How Do You Respond When People Ask About Your Dysfunctional Family

[StressyJen]

I wanted to discuss this with my T yesterday but ran out of time, but it is really burning on me. I need a plan for how to reply when people ask about my family.

My family is highly dysfunctional, my mom is a crazy narcissist and treats me very poorly, and I talk to them about once every 2-3 years usually because of a death or emergency or something and it never goes well usually lasts a few hours to a few days then back to 2-3 years of nothing. As discussed in a previous thread, most people seem to react by doubting what I'm saying is true, maybe also picking up that I am uncomfortable explaining it helps them act that way, or just the fact that "normal" people think if one person is ousted from or abandons their family, there must be something wrong with THEM, not the family.

I now live 6 states away. If anyone else has a similar situation, please tell me how you would answer some of the following questions that acquaintances or would ask, i.e. husband's family, acquaintances at work, or people at church, etc.

Sample questions
"Do you have family nearby?"... answer no... followup "Do you visit them often?" or "Have they come to visit you since you've moved here?"
"Did your family come in for the wedding?"
In the course of talking about THEIR mother or family, "How does your mother/family handle these things?"

I hope you get the idea.

I don't like to outright lie. If I end up becoming friends with these people I don't want to be constantly making more lies if we end up talking about other things where the subject comes up. I also like to be true to myself, i.e. give myself the respect to not hide from the truth which is I am deeply effected and hurt by my family situation and I don't want to... stuff my inner child away and do anything that tells her that she has to hide from the truth or has any reason to be ashamed.

-Jennie

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I usually just say my family and I aren't close. If there are follow up questions, simply say it's a long story.

 

[kers]

Yes, I also like the "we're not close" answer.

It helps me to remember that just because others ask a question, I am not obligated to answer it. I have a right to keep my private life private (and I will do so until the other person proves themselves trustworthy). Still, it's hard to remember that in the moment, no? Maybe it would help to have a follow up to that for rude people who persist in asking questions, like, "It's painful for me to discuss," or, "I'd rather not discuss it," or even "It's a really long story."

It's difficult not being able to discuss the things that other people can, but we have a right to keep our privacy and not feel invaded by others' questions.

 

[Nicolette]

If anyone else has a similar situation, please tell me how you would answer some of the following questions that acquaintances or would ask, i.e. husband's family, acquaintances at work, or people at church, etc.

Jen I have found the easiest way is to be blunt as it renders people speechless to the point of being embarrassed. I simply say "I have nothing to do with my family as I don't get on with them, they are dysfunctional and I can't live with that in my life".

 

[StressyJen]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. I've been stammering through the "we're not close" type responses most of my life but I'm trying to formulate a pat answer more like Nicolette's now. I think that means I'm getting healthier. I'm sick and tired of leaving things open to interpretation, they are the ones with the problem, I'm the one trying to be healthy, and somehow I want my short statement to be clear. I don't wanna sound like a bitter bitch though haha!

 

[anni]

I was lurking the forum without logging in simply because had a terrible night, so know am more than foggy. I just logged in over a couple of threads because gosh, my heart so much goes out to all of you. I don't mean to intrude in a thread that isn't relevant to me so please excuse if it comes across that way.

I only wished to say that Nicolette's and TK's answer's will 'work', for those intrusive types who really might just be flatly nosy. Then perhaps if some person is actually genuine and ends up maintaining a friendship, well, that type would certainly be receptive to your honest revelations down the road. I'm always genuinely impressed to meet you folks, some of whom have become friends- children of dreadful pasts who grew up with their huge own dignity. There's not pity about it, either, just makes me resolve to try to have more resislient bits in myself.

Seriously- sorry to intrude, and if wordy it's only because I tend to be careful of wording when foggy foggy foggy. Please excuse this also!

Anni

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm so grateful for this thread.

This has been an ongoing issue for me, creating yet more avoidance in my life.

When others share their stories about their families, I disassociate, or sit silently, or find a way to physically 'exit'...the problem being, of course, that my inability to form a truthful but not overly hostile or pitiful response leads to my appearing deceptive, aloof, or worse.

Now, I'm trying to find some people who are 'safe' and 'healthy' and are ok with my showing emotion. If I feel like I have to put on the PTSD 'I'm fine' mask, it's a good sign that some instinct in me has identified them as untrustworthy and I usually regret it if I don't heed that warning.

Last week, I had a huge moment when a friend was sharing an everyday annoyance about her Mom. I actually let the tears show through instead of just my lifelong misdirection of 'that sounds wonderful!' - and she saw the tears and asked and I just shared honestly 'I'd give anything to receive a package from my Mom' (my Mom died of cancer when I was 22..or is that 21? That time is still really screwed up in my head.)

She apologized and I could see she felt bad but I did tell her 'please, no...don't avoid those things. That is the kind of stuff I used to avoid friendships over...so please, just let me cry but don't feel bad about sharing because I still enjoy hearing about it even if there's some pain in the memories that come up for me'. Which is true.

I only welled up with tears but for someone who doesn't cry for years...it's a start.

As for others...if they are being nosy, I feel free to respond with 'you first' which often leads the conversation away.

 

[Nicolette]

This has been an ongoing issue for me, creating yet more avoidance in my life.
.......................Now, I'm trying to find some people who are 'safe' and 'healthy' and are ok with my showing emotion. If I feel like I have to put on the PTSD 'I'm fine' mask, it's a good sign that some instinct in me has identified them as untrustworthy and I usually regret it if I don't heed that warning.

BloomInWinter - we attract what we think and actually mirror ourselves. You will find the healthier you become the healthier people you will be surrounded by. Other sayings are 'misery breeds misery' and so on. My point being as you change so will the people around you but you have to change first.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and as l look over my shoulder at the friends and family I had to those I have now I know I have done extraordinary well. That is not a pat on the back but the truth and I worked damned hard to achieve it. I didn't know the right answers during my journey but was able to eliminate the ones which didn't work which left me headed on the right track.

Actually therein lies the answer to many a question asked on this forum "how did you do it?" I can't tell you how but I do know I made every mistake and learned from it so as to not do it again and nor go down the same path. I eliminated what didn't work for me. That is the answer - work out what does work out for you by trying everything out, being honest with yourself and then getting rid of what is pulling or holding you back (people included).

 

[Marlene]

If someone asks, I usually just sort of joke it off with a 'If you met them, you'd understand' sort of statement. If someone really pushes (which is rarely) I tell them I grew up in an abusive home and leave it at that. Most people have the decency to not push after that.

On the flip side of this, I do find that I like to listen to people talk about their more normal, happy families. It feels like I'm infiltrating foreign territory and finding out state secrets or something. I try to understand (with limited success) what it's like to grow up a 'normal'. I know everyone's family is nuts...that's a given. But not everyone's family grows up abusive. And when everything you see/do/feel/etc. is done through the veil of past abuse, it's difficult to understand how others grew up so differently.

Lisa

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

All families ( as far as I can tell) seem to have things hidden away. Why not turn the tables on them and start asking them questions?
Anni and Lisa are right, some people are just good...and...I'm the last person to ask about how to deal with nice people.

 

[PTSDT]

I tend to joke my way out of things that are none of someone's business. The mood I'm in lately, I would probably say any of the following:

I was raised by wolves and they stayed in the wild while I decided to live as a human.

My Dad is from Mars and Mom is from Venus and you know how complicated that can be.

Seriously, I remember watching an episode of Oprah over 20 years ago. She said something like "just because someone is in your family, it doesn't mean you have to like them." I found it so interesting. I think everyone has dysfunctional families and most people fake it when they brag about their perfect families.

I like the idea best is the shortest answer possible and saying, "Tell me about your family." Most people who ask are really just wanting to tell you about little Susie's soccer match or Bobby's brilliant performance in the school play anyway. Ask to see pictures and they will forget they even asked you anything!

 

[StressyJen]

After reading over all these great ideas again, I think I have to admit that when someone asks me about my family it is a huge trigger for me, which helps shape my usual awkward response.

Most people who ask are really just wanting to tell you about...

HAHA This is probably so true. Most people are probably trying to make small talk. I'm so bad at small talk, everything in life is so serious for me in my strange brain. I am going to first try to recognize this and deflect those by letting them know they definitely do not want to seriously talk about this i.e. something witty or joking but that should get the point across like many suggested. For anyone that continues to push, I guess I'll have to then determine if they are 1. Nosy and untrustworthy and undeserving of my trust (I'll shut them down bam) or 2. genuinely wanting to know and already know me and would believe me so I could tell them something truthful without worrying they will think I'm some bad person that got kicked out of my family.

You'd think I would be able to figure out how to handle things like this but I'm not. I'm just not good at making brain flowcharts for handling social situations especially where my family comes up, I just clam up. I guess I get a mini-emo flashback and I feel and look like a crazy person. Thanks for helping me get a plan together and I don't know when I'll need it next but I will report back how it goes!

Still would love to continue the conversation not trying to shut it down. More thoughts and ideas on the subject help bring it into reality instead of just fear in my head. I really love and value all you guys the help I get from you, my friends here, I thank God for it every day.
-Jennie