How Do You Respond To Other People's Anger?

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - alternatively, something to try with this friend to break your habit, next time you see her 'covert anger' bubbling away when she's talking to someone else, interrupt and call her out on it. Never mind being a little rude for interrupting, just casually comment, "Wow, you seem to be getting angry about this..."

How does she respond? Maybe that might help you next time the anger is directed at you, because you'll know 'actually, I can intervene earlier without the whole situation, and her, completely blowing up'...?

 

[Knak]

I have a question here though. After their outburst is over and you've bowed out, what do you do to...

I was thinking if I am around a person who is talking very angry or in a threatening way, with others around but not directed at me. I would leave unnoticed not waiting for them to finish, or ignore the conversation and zone out, or try to find a more pleasant atmosphere.

Or if it was directed at me I may start to argue or if it's not worth it just walk away before they are finished. I am not talking about close friends who I would care whether they ever talked to me again. I avoid creating situations with friends that would cause anger and pick friends who do not act that way in the first place. I don't have anybody I would count on to the death.

I did have a neighbor who is unbalanced in my house discussing how she handled something regarding her son. I tried show her the other side and she started yelling at me that I've never been a mother. I felt like saying "yes but I had a mother" but didn't want to prolong the argument. I felt she was way out of line attacking me so I told her loudly to get out of my house. After time when I saw her again everything was as if it never happened. She is a very vengeful person who got herself into a horrible situation.

 

[Knak]

I don't think she was being manipulative, I just think she exploded because of other stress in her life. And I know from experience that she is not good at apologizing. I am not sure what you mean though about her being aware of what she expects from me, can you explain that some more?

I was referring to what you wrote much earlier which I quoted below, that she may be reacting to your change with an outburst to see if it will stand up under pressure. You said maybe this is what my friend is doing.

I think I misinterpreted your post because now I see you also said "without even being aware". I was confused following who was which person and I was very tired when I wrote it.

Sorry to make it harder to discuss.

When one person in a dysfunctional relationship (of any variety) changes their behaviour, there will be a reaction from others as they adjust to the new unaccustomed reality. In the book it was called "change" and "change back" as others will, without even being aware they are doing it, test the change to see if it will stand up under pressure, before they will adjust their own behaviour accordingly.

So maybe this is what my friend is doing, in addition to the fact that she is under a lot of pressure. She isn't used to me saying no to her. She is reacting to the change with an outburst to see whether I will change back.

 

[Knak]

Easy non-confrontational way to gauge where the other person is at after they've exploded? Laugh...

I think that is amazing you can do that and brilliant.

I live in an atmosphere where laughter is not allowed so I couldn't emulate that. It reinforces my need to bust out of my circumstances however.

Unfortunately I have learned to cope by making people unimportant. Yours is a much better way.

 

[Sideways]

@Knak - it's worth practicing, because it's helpful in so many ways. There's few things that diffuse situations like putting on the smile and having a small laugh. Laughter is really non-threatening to so many people, and will often take the edge off their anger almost instantly. And it works as a defence - the other person has no idea if you're actually feeling really vulnerable.

I had a lady coming towards me once raising her arm ready to smack me out. I've done a lot of boxing and can hold my own pretty well, but I just started laughing. Fake as silicone t!ts on a bull...but she stopped, looked completely embarrassed for a moment, then promptly did an about turn and ran off.

You don't have to find the situation funny. And it comes with practice:)

 

[oasis2003]

Anger in other people is very frightening for me. I become invisible and Truro diffuse it freeze. It is a massive defence mechanism for me

 

[Gadgie]

When I was really young I used to face anger every day, and my defence back then, was to run away, out of range, alarms length.

Then when I was an adult, and came face to face with anger, I realised that I had to stand up and defend myself, which I did!

Fortunately it wasn't that often, but when it did, I had to defend myself, which can get you in trouble, as we have to be responsible for our actions.

 

[Alien Goodness]

Fascinating thread. I want to thank the OP @sun seeker for asking the question. It was interesting reading the replies.

I'm not good at coping with other people's anger. It's a trigger for me. I've been aware of it for years but have never been able to find the strength to handle other people's anger effectively. Inside I just crumple up. Outside I go quiet and bottle up the maelstrom of emotions brewing. Very rarely, if I'm exposed to anger for too long, I explode with a torrent of irrational words and thump an inanimate object (I've never hit anybody in anger). I can't even watch people being angry on TV (e.g. Oprah) as it makes me ill.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a freeze up response but if I am being pushed into a corner I explode in reactive anger and that is not good for anyone. I have learned so much from reading the responses and in my current life I am pretty much insulated from angry people who go off on their own. I wish I could be amused by other peoples anger outbursts but now the last time I laid down a boundary, it was crossed and I left the unhealthy relationship for good and just hung up the phone. So baby steps progress for me.

 

[ladee]

This has been a great thread ! I have had to work on my response to anger as much as anything else in my journey. My key word, being, response. Not react. My learned reaction to being on the street since the age of 14, I learned how to take care of myself... and mine was rage, not anger. Like @gizmo said, I exploded.... At the time, it worked. But it has no place in my life now.. but still feel my heart starting to pound and that is my first clue to back up...I was never a bully, but did not have a problem defending myself or others. It was the only time I felt 'powerful' instead of 'powerless'....

 

[Knak]

@Knak - it's worth practicing, because it's helpful in so many ways. There's f...

My husband is so undermining I lost my ability to laugh. I had to fight him back to survive, but learned his tactics.

I need a non-destructive protective shell so I will practice. It helps hear you say it is so fake.

 

[Knak]

Fascinating thread. I want to thank the OP @sun seeker for asking the question..
I'm not good at coping with other people's anger. It's a trigger for me. I've been aware of it for years but have never been able to find the strength to handle other people's anger effectively. Inside I just crumple up. Outside I go quiet and bottle up the maelstrom of emotions brewing..

Today I remembered the terror I felt since a toddler that lasted until I left home, which tells me it was my mom and dad that instigated it. I still had the freeze and feeling invisible symptom and I couldn't talk to people for decades.

It took medication to come out of that. I had ADD, then migraines and now panic attacks With the meds I am learning to talk to anybody, except when my undermining husband acts crazy when he can't confuse me.

Along with some EMDR I was able to see when I was right and not feel scared or at fault. I believe I can only heal if I approach the person attacking me, even if I just approach them to let them know I'm not afraid to talk to them and consider them an equal. If I didn't do that I'd stay afraid.

I try to apologize if I realize I was wrong. The humility helps keep me from losing touch with reality which is a big problem with PTSD.