How Do You Respond When People Ask About Your Dysfunctional Family

[BloomInWinter]

This thread has really had me noticing how much of my day is avoidance of 'normal people conversations' because of the triggering. Especially this time of year.

Possible responses I'm considering for the usual holiday small talk triggers from people I DO NOT care to associate with;

"My family? I haven't heard from them...you, know, too busy training to pull Santa's Sleigh and all that..."

"My family? Working hard at the North Pole preparing the tailgating party for Santa's Liftoff. Yours?"

"My family? Fabulous with a capital "F"...yours?"

Possible responses I'm considering for people I DO care to associate with again...

"My family? Putting the FUN in dysfunctional as always. Yours?"

"My family? All above average, thanks. Yours?"

"My family? No longer eating their young. Much. Yours?"

Huh. I realize I am feeling pretty morose right now. Maybe I need to not think any more about family today. :P

 

[Nicolette]

While I see the humor in the answers and can laugh with you - I still think it is important to find your honest truth with the situation rather than saying things to either appease others or change the subject/focus. Otherwise you still really haven't dealt with the issue IMHO.

 

[PTSDT]

In a work situation, how do I say, "I like to keep my personal life private," or "I am a private person and do not share with everyone" without hurting feelings or causing problems with coworkers? I am a very private person. I find that lying or joking work best. If someone is my friend, I don't mind telling them the latest thing in my personal life. But at work or with new acquaintances (most of which I avoid), I believe lying or joking is best.

 

[Nicolette]

In a work situation, how do I say, "I like to keep my personal life private," or "I am a private person and do not share with everyone".

Just like you did....what is there not to respect about such a comment? Lying on the other hand to me is wrong. What happens if the coworker thrn becomes your friend......then you have started a relationship on lies? Sorry; I don't share the same opinion.

 

[PTSDT]

I live in a southern state where people do not accept straightforward answers like that. They become offended. I was raised in a progressive state and then moved as a teenager to a place where women are expected to be "nice" and are not equal. I am a straightforward person but, unfortunately, being assertive has not worked well for me here. The move from a progressive place to a backwards one was my first solid trauma.

My last trauma involved being a whistelblower involving a terrorist cell before and after the attacks. I was a source to a reporter. I was an informant to authorities and I was abused at work for years while I made sure the authorities got information. I played a part in why the 20th highjacker was caught. I have also suffered many other traumas in between these two. My state is in the bottom 10 in the health and welfare of women and children, poverty, high school dropouts, etc.

I am a lost person. I suffer from prolonged severe PTSD. I am sharing my experiences. I am sharing what has worked for me. I am sharing what has not worked for me.

Thank you to everyone who has responded kindly, contacted me and helped me here. These last few days, I have felt welcomed and understood and I have been told I have been helpful. I am hopeful it will remain emotionally safe for me to stay. I am feeling very uneasy tonight and very misunderstood. I would be grateful for any encouraging PMs from those with PTSD also. Thank you everyone.

 

[Nicolette]

PTSDT.....We only base our responses based on what we know. With you now sharing background information my answer may have been a little more delicate.

It is important to remember that the forum offers you the opportunity to challenge your thinking and patterns from trauma based on other's opinions and experiences. You take from it what you want and the rest you leave. It is not personal. Due to my life experiences I HATE lying hence why you received my response. That is not to say either is right or wrong and what you are doing might be best for you. Only you know that.

I will honestly tell you that the only time I made good progress with healing was when I was challenged and my thinking stretched as while empathy is nice and helps comfort, it changes nothing other than your feelings at the time. We all need empathy too...:rolleyes:

My point is I am not attacking you; I just have different strong opinions on things which I share. What I say could be totally wrong for you. At some point, as what has to occur in therapy, you either have to lay your cards on the table (dirty laundry and all) in order to solve the problems and heal the trauma. If you write a snippet here and there is no background information it is open for interpretation. Like I just said, you just sharing, gave me a different perspective on why you wrote what you wrote however it still doesn't change my opinion.

I do care about you as a person and wish no one here any ill will. There are times we are all misunderstood and misunderstand each other. Sending you a cyber Hug (if ok) to let you know that I'm just sharing and do not wish to discourage you.

 

[PTSDT]

I risked my life and lost my career.

I found out that people lie. I also hate lying.

However, I told many truths to my own detriment and that is how I ended up with PTSD, nightmares and teeth that hurt so bad from chomping them at night, I have to puree everything i eat. People lie every day.

When I wear makeup, I am not showing my true face. Some people consider that a lie. I just say what I think works in some cases. Sometimes a lie could save a life. Lying is relative to each situation. I believe if a little lie about a family dysfunction helps someone protect themselves from trauma, shame, or humiliation, it is OK to protect themselves. Everyone needs to protect themselves first without hurting anyone else. And then go through the painful truth with the safety of a therapist.

I am very tired tonight and probably won't sleep. I hope this makes sense and that people take it for what it's worth. The opinion of a broken, sick counselor who has the MA, but no use for it ever again.

 

[anni]

I think a lot, LOT of us are here due to various lies. ' I'll always love you', ;I'll never hit you again', 'I wasn't trying to kill you, the gun wasn't even loaded' ( swear ). Those are a tiny portion of the lies specific to me ending up in the forum. JUST a few. As Nicolette said, we hate lies. I've been basically full of crap myself at times in my life to just protect myself-my privacy, my shame, really and it hasn't been good. I remember going to the OBGYN, 8 1/2 months pregnant, and lying my head off about the finger mark shaped bruises on my throat. Shame. He did that to me and I'M the one who felt such shame some warped thing in my head felt it was better to protect my 'dignity' than my life? There are just all kinds of lies attached to so many of us ending up here, others to us, maybe ours to ourselves- they kind of pile up and obfuscate truth so much we don't know how to get back there-to the truth. It just makes me, anyway, have this incredible need to always, always know where the dam thing IS, in myself and others, since it's absolutely HAS to be my reality or the whole world goes to hell.

It's a good forum for this. I like that, and also that it's pretty much safe to speak one's truth. The PTSD reactivity can make us go 'poof' once in awhile over personalizing things others have said, but since everyone's trauma's are different in the end one just steps backs, sort of plugs in that exact thought you see there generally is nothing at all personal coming your way, you know? *Just* other's perceptions through or because of their own pain and traumas. Then it's much easier to see that others actually care, which is sometimes a tough thing to accept anyway since we kind of don't like ourselves much. I kind of think Nicolette's response should be on the home page, actually, in the 'About PTSD Forum' section, since it's almost a navigational tool. We tend to navigate with our emotions, and this sort of brings us a better GPS for use here, if that makes sense.

There's no good answer for what happened to you, PTSDT, when truth was used to destroy you. Others lied to obfuscate your truth and mangle you personally, which is surely the greater evil. I'm so sorry, but please know your genuine pain is seen, acknowledged and I also offer a hug, for what it's worth when you're feeling so awful.

 

[StressyJen]

PTSDT- Just wanted to concur with you about the southern culture. Insofar as the some of the discussion hinges on, as you said IN THE SOUTH "people do not accept straightforward answers like that. They become offended." I have found this to be 100% true. I grew up and lived until about age 36 in the midwest where it was normal for people to be more businesslike at work. If you told someone bluntly that something was none of their business, they often moved right on and made a point to be friendly to help the awkward moment blow over, then it never came up again. Not so in the south!!!!!!! (where I live now). It's been a serious adjustment for me and actually, If I didn't live in the south I likely never would have made this original post. I didn't think about it until I read that you also moved to the south as an adult. Now that I think about it, I'm sure if I still lived in IL I would not have this problem to the extreme that I do, because whatever I would say would stand forever with most people, but I have found here that whatever I say, a few months later some people will be asking again about my family, as if they never heard the original answer, or they will start treating me weird right away, sending me an awkward vibe. And I am a bad liar but I think the people down here know how to make those "social" lies much better. i.e. My poor family, bless their hearts, they have so many troubles, (enter 60 minute gossip like convo where they tell you all the family problems). I can't talk like that to people about my family LOL!

The discussion on truth and lying is interesting and I think one of the blessings of our support forum is it seems PTSD people are for the most part seeking truth and try very hard to be concise and honest in communication. This helps this place be safe. Like I said in my first post, I hate to lie about anything. I might have more to chime on on that aspect but I need more coffee and the "southern state" aspect I share with PTSDT really stuck me so I wanted to give you a big old (hug) and let you know that I get what you go through in that department and I frikkin hate it too!

-Jennie

 

[Jade-]

You will find the healthier you become the healthier people you will be surrounded by.

I sure hope that statement is true. I seem to be a magnet for the most dysfunctional people on earth. It's like I have something written on my forehead that says 'treat me like shit, not only will I tolerate it, but I like it'.

 

[Nicolette]

I kind of think Nicolette's response should be on the home page, actually, in the 'About PTSD Forum' section, since it's almost a navigational tool. We tend to navigate with our emotions, and this sort of brings us a better GPS for use here, if that makes sense.

Thanks Anni..... I am glad you understood what I was trying to say. We have to get past the emotions to the facts in order to heal our trauma. Our emotions often cloud our judgment and interpretation.

 

[Nicolette]

PTSDT...I have moved your post to your own diary [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/forums/trauma-diaries-members.14/[/DLMURL] and I am happy to change the title for you - just send me a PC.

While your story is important this thread is about dysfunctional families and, while I respect you were explaining your situation, it was taking the thread off topic. Please do not be offended and I have put the link here so other members can read what you wrote.