How Do You Respond When People Ask About Your Dysfunctional Family

[BloomInWinter]

I risked my life and lost my career...

However, I told many truths to my own detriment and that is how I ended up with PTSD, nightmares and teeth that hurt so bad from chomping them at night, I have to puree everything i eat. People lie every day.

Right there with you. Risked my life and lost two careers, and my sanity, as it turned out. I just didn't know it for a long time.

One of the first things I needed to learn was the difference between 'truth' and 'disclosure'...and when we direct an intrusive inquiry into our personal lives away from information that can be used against us, there is nothing wrong with that. NOT the same thing as lying, or 'little white lies', IMHO.

There are people in the workforce (and in life) for whom we need to maintain a firm working boundary with. Just because I work with someone does NOT make them entitled to know all about me and mine. I found that out the hard way, several times.

There's the co-worker who becomes a friend, and then, I let those people in as they prove safe. ...and if I misdirected them previously, I can choose to let them in as to why. I've had good luck with these co-worker types who totally understand once I tell them why.

Then there's the range of friendship...friends to eat with, friends to go to movies with, friends to shop with, friends to have over with their children, etc. I think it's acceptable, and even healthy, to have differing levels of disclosure with friends.

Most of the disclosures I made that greatly harmed my physical health, safety, and emotional health (not to mention career) was on the end of giving far TOO much information to people who weren't trustworthy. I figured 'the truth is the truth' and while that black or white thinking let me bull my way through life, it didn't bring me any peace nor security.

Very interesting topic, all...lots of good info here to chew on.

 

[Sterre]

What a great thread!
It's a "problem' I run into very often. The "problem" for me with being truthfull to relative strangers (co-workers) is that I have to decide if it will increase my distrust toward them , or if it will make me feel safe to tell the truth about my family. Sometimes I will just answer in a small talk way and tell them that my family is okay, and try to avoid the question or return the question as soon as possible, in order to focus the attention towards the other person. When someone is persistent or opening up to me about their personal life, I will tell them that I come from a very unconventional family, with unconventional morals.

Looking back I always ( especially in a work situation) was/am cautious and very aware toward these type of questions. I found it to be shamefull to tell someting about my disfunctional family, affraid they would think it was my fault, or that I deserved it in some way, that by me telling something negative about my familybonds, it will rub off on me. Pure projection coming from me,off course.

Nowadays I ( altough recently i am not in a working situation) will give the socially expected answer "my family is okay, I'm just not very close with them", or "my family is disfunctional and crazy, and therefor I'm not very close to them". It depends on the situation and on my feelings of safety. I found that opening up to some people raises other problems like me getting distrustfull towards them after opening up to them, because I feel to vunerable afterwards, and then start to project those distrustfull feelings onto them.

I have to remind myself very actively that my disfunctional family is not my fault, and that it's not something that sprouted from my imagination. The fact that my family is highly disfunctional is not something I should feel shamefull about, because it's not personal. It was not my fault or creation that they are who they are.

I hope my attempt to describe how I handle these questions makes some sense.