How Do You Start Talking?

[Ustabe]

I have a very hard time talking about anything beyond superficial stuff with my significant other/fiancee.

I will talk about TV shows, or food, or what her family is doing, or music, or theatre. I can even talk about non-superficial stuff like politics or religion. But I simply can't talk about:

- my day
- what's bothering me
- work (which is going incredibly poorly right now)
- what I am thinking
- what's going on with therapy

She knows my history of physical abuse from when I was a child. I remember the first time it came up ... beyond just simply saying, "I was a victim of child abuse". We were lying in bed, holding each other and I put her hand just above my hip, where she felt a scar. She asked what it was and I told her, "that's where my father stabbed me once when I was a kid." She recoiled in horror. I said the first thing that popped into my head - "Please don't hold that against me." She just held me and cried. And it's that reaction which makes me (in part) not want to talk about anything. Why would I want to share bad shit from my day? How horrible I feel most of the time? What a failure I feel like?

Do I want to? Ummmm ... not really. But my therapist says I need to in order to begin addressing my PTSD. And in order to address a myriad of other things I'm dealing with - depression, inability to focus at work, suicidal ideation, anger issues, food addictions.

How do I even begin to open up without feeling totally drained. Without starting to sweat and have heart palpitations? How do I say, "Honey, you know what? I didn't get shit done today because I sat on the computer playing games all day because I feel completely frozen, even though I've been going to therapy for a year"? How do I say, "If they knew at work how much I haven't gotten done, they'd probably let me go"? Hell, how do I even say, "Boo"?

Anything anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated.

 

[ivyrose]

Hi unstable,

I can understand it being hard to open up. I know for me I have the same problem. But I have to say, just reading that post made me want to give you a hug, and I don't even know you! Why not have her read it?;)

Why? Because that is what honest open communication does. It will create intimacy and closeness and a bond with your future wife that will make you stronger to get through this hell hole we are all in right now. It is draining having those emotion conversations, but if you want a relationship to be satisfying, it takes work, right? :)

I hope it works out for you. I'm about to celebrate my 8th year with my hubby on the 25th :)

 

[ivyrose]

Sorry stupid computer and auto correct! Ustabe not unstable :oops:

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I really think that's a really good idea. Scary, I know. But, if she reads the above and then asks questions, that might be easier for you.

 

[amcen]

She asked what it was and I told her, "that's where my father stabbed me once when I was a kid." She recoiled in horror. I said the first thing that popped into my head - "Please don't hold that against me." She just held me and cried. And it's that reaction which makes me (in part) not want to talk about anything.

Ustabe, what I will tell you is only coming straightly from my heart, these are my feelings, they not necesseraly correspond to any thruth, it is yours to see how much you can relate to any of that.

From what I read, your fiancee simply loves you so deeply. As a true loving person she feels empathy towards you, and according to me this is so natural that she held you and cried. Yes, she probably felt sad at the understanding of what had happened to you. And yet, this is the most beautiful thing that could happen and I call that deep sharing. Not all the tears have an horrible meaning, by far. What happened to you in the past is obviously still present in some way, until you sort everything out, and I feel it would be unfair that you try to hide any of it to your beloved one.

To summerize, what your fiancee did by holding you and crying is a proof that you can trust her, surely not the opposite.

I have the feeling that your personality is not to get stuck in a "victim mode" forever. To me, you look like you are craving for improving and healing and moving on. But first, you have to find compassion towards yourself and I believe that sharing with your fiancee is one of the paths that can lead to it. Of course it can look very tough to do so, or you would already have done it.

Why not starting by showing her that forum, your threads and others' answers?

Please, forgive me if I am mistaken in what I have told you here.

I wish you plenty of wonderful things.

 

[Ustabe]

While I appreciate the replies, I don't feel capable of showing her this thread right now. That's just WAY too much exposure all at once.

But I do appreciate the response. Thank you.

 

[lighteningdarkness]

Hey Ustabe, know where you're coming from with this one. Feels incredible vulnerable? I know that's how I felt and still do now sometimes.

I guess I started just by making little tiny comments, then bracing myself for all hell to break loose. And they didn't. You know, comments so small that others probably wouldn't even notice but make your breath catch in your throat. And then grab the reasurance of the response (which from what you've said is likely to be positive) with both hands and take little steps. I think when I started the things I said were so small they just flowed with conversation and he didn't even blink.

I found having a couple of drinks and then admitting that I was having difficulty (think I used some nonsense about 'being emotionally honest') but this isn't a great pattern to start.

Therapy is dificult. I sometimes just talk mention little unimportant things from the start / end conversations so that the whole therapy thing doesn't become the elephant in the room. I guess it also gives a little cue that I'm open to talk if he has questions - much preferred to the big crashing 'how's therapy' question out of nowhere. I find enquiry / question easier than just talking.

Just take things at your pace and don't be afraid to put the brakes on if you're uncomfortable. Wishing you luck.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ustabe,

I can't blame you for not wanting to share this thread with someone in your life. The thing to remember is that once you show someone an actual thread, any privacy you had here on the forum is blown. You can't change your name or open a new account like on other sites. Also, any and all postings, vents, and whatnot that you may have posted only because there's relative anonymity are suddenly VERY public and you've been exposed. This is why I tell no one I am a member here, nor do I post anything that could definitively identify me to someone in my life.