Relationship How Do You Supporters/careers Understand It..

[monicaelise]

However, 'un-trustworthiness' is not a feature of ptsd. Perhaps untreated, well then yes.

Just to clarify, the lack of trust had nothing to do with infidelity or anything like that. The lack of trust I am talking about is a very general sort, as in "will this person be here for me when I need them?" I'm not a dependent or codependent person, but there's a certain level of give and take in most reasonably healthy relationships that seems to be much harder to come by in relationships where one partner has PTSD.

Also, I had very little faith in him bothering with ongoing treatment and, as you very wisely pointed out, left untreated PTSD can be a source of a lot untrustworthy/dishonest/unpredictable behaviour. I just wasn't ready to put my whole life on the line with this kind of instability. I didn't want to be in a relationship where certain topics were off limits or I was expected to wait for weeks on end to be treated with basic courtesy. If I share my life with someone, I want to actually have a partner, an equal who brings as much to the relationship as I do.

 

[Sailorgal]

When the effort is one-sided, it won't work in any relationship period.

Most of the problems come because one is trying to help or fix the other when the other is not ready or want to. And it's not the supporter's role anyhow.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Sailorgal, I was a terror in many ways, and full of rage, at the beginning. Then I was trying to cope in many unhealthy ways, though I tried to never take it out on others. Even knowing what I know now- and that's oodles compared to then- there is no guarantee I won't fall apart. :(

That's why I said 'time'. To start there.

Dear monicalise, that sounds horrendous, and I don't blame you for carrying on. I can only imagine the hurt. :( I am so sorry. PTSD is no excuse for that behaviour. And not seeking any help, well, it sounds like at best the timing was way off.

I do fear I do not, nor likely would ever be able to bring (to a healthy partner or relationship) what they would give to me. I try to think of what my mom said, that it's "rarely 50/50"- that is, more often 70/30, 30/70. 60/40 etc, even 90/10 0r 10/90, at times. But, I don't know.

Funny, I don't think that about others though. But ptsd already makes one feel defective, or like damaged goods. Well, in my case. But that's not a very good thought to entertain. I guess, if it works out, it has to be unique to the people involved. My sister seems to have ptsd, or at least the symptomology. I understand it all too well. But I don't love her less.

 

[Sailorgal]

There's no guarantee for anyone Junebug. But at least we can see the signs and be better in control more. Example, I don't watch a lot of tv/movies about overly negative relationships. Media affect people with/without PTSD so I don't need to add to anymore.

Damaged goods..no. Slightly altered. Maybe. ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Sweet Sailorgal, ya- REALLY 'slightly' altered, lol. Thank you.

Back to your original post, I think communication, 'educating' the other person, using analogies, even joking about it, are ways. Really I guess like communicating about anything between 2 people. And hopefully both do it. But you need to have a receptive and willing audience. Ideally the person would have to care enough to even want to know, or to listen.

Do you mean it's hard for you to forgive? Or for him to forgive you?

 

[Sailorgal]

Hmmm I tend to consider myself the irregular. Looks like the normal one but at close inspection, the stitching is just a tad bit different!

He said he forgave me but realized it affected him. Also, I have changed(improved) so much. I just want things at peace for the both of us. He kind of understands but not really, so I think it'll help his confusion and then he can deal with it.

I didn't want to love him...but it happened. I don't have regrets.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Now I am a bit confused:)

It is hard to keep track of what your goal is. As the title suggest, you want him to understand. As Junebug suggested, communication is the key.

If I have understood it correctly, you did not know at the time it was PTSD that was the root of your behavior, and he didn't / doesn't know either. Then tell him straight out what you knew then, and what you know now (about the affects of PTSD!) There is really no other way than a linear, one word at a time approach, to try and explain an issue that may or may not be linear.

The PTSD 'cup' explaination is a good way to start :)

 

[Sailorgal]

Yes Crazyhorse, you got it. I didn't know what it was. I would share as I learned things but now I clearly see and know it's PTSD. It makes things clearer, at least it makes sense for me to tell him.