Dom Violence How Do You Think Dv Affected Your Children If It Has At All?

[Nicolette]

We have discussed how our pasts as children seems to have impacted upon some of us leading to believe we had a predisposition to domestic violence from being accustomed to living in that type of environment.

Tonight I was wondering how we perceive the affects of our own adult domestic violence upon our children. What impact is obvious? What do you wonder? How do you feel about it?

Me, I think I managed to protect my son from a lot as some of my relationships were prior to his birth and then I spent 7 years hating men after his father cheated so there wasn't a father figure around outside of my brother who lived with us for almost 5 years and was a good role model.

I see my son as being easily hurt and wanting to please but not to the extent I ever did. He is angry at times but at 21 and based on what and how his own father has been (neglectful and mean) I don't see the anger as a direct result of anything I exposed him to.

We talked about my last abusive situation as he was about 14 at the time and he seemed fine with the discussion had. I tried to educate him that most people will always put their best foot forward in a relationship and it takes time to get to know who they really are. Again I say I was glad I was forced to take this Ex to court by the police as it sent a very positive message to my son.

I do worry though; I hope I did enough to break the cycle. I know I damn sure tried to. He has been able to speak to me about many topics which actually shocked me (as in I didn't realise I had made myself so approachable) so I feel in my heart of hearts he would talk to me if he felt there were issues and ask for help. I hope so.

 

[trying2moveon]

Both my children have been greatly affected by what they saw/heard and I thought that I had hidden most of the abuse well as it turns out I didn't do that good of a job and my guilt for that is almost unbearable.

My 17 nearly 18 year old daughter self harms and my 12 year old son is still receiving counseling my daughter has no contact with her father but my son still wants a relationship with his father its his dad and he loves him I understand that but I wish their dad would just disappear for good as he is a dad when it suits him and I am the one who has to pick up the pieces after he lets my son down time after time.

 

[Nicolette]

my guilt for that is almost unbearable

I am sorry for your guilt. I am sure those of us on here who are parents share some of that. I don't think there is much you can do with guilt that will make things any better. You obviously did the best you could as you said you tried to hide it. That is why this forum is here, to provide an outlet in hope that someone can find enough support to stop 'hiding' the abuse and getting help. To me the first step was actually the admission that domestic violence was occurring and that it wasn't something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

If it was me in your shoes I would try and find solace in that you did the best with what you had and knew. I would also try and stop beating myself up about it as nothing can undo what has been done. You can however now take very positive steps to show your children that you are strong and will no longer accept abuse in your life. You say your children have been impacted by what they 'did see' so maybe the way to start making 'amends' as such is to show them how you can find help for yourself, heal yourself, take care of yourself and protect yourself from abuse rather than enduring one more day of it.

ut my son still wants a relationship with his father its his dad and he loves him I understand that but I wish their dad would just disappear for good as he is a dad when it suits him and I am the one who has to pick up the pieces after he lets my son down time after time.

I have walked in similar shoes. My advice is to not get caught up in your feelings about your husband and projecting them upon your son. Time has an interesting way of putting things right, a kind of karmic justice. Once I let go of my hatred towards my son's father, by accepting the man I knew was dead - helping me separate my feelings to ones where I was now only dealing with my son's father and not an ex-husband, I found I could be more supportive towards my son. By doing this, no matter how many times his dad let him down, and not begrudging having to 'pick up the pieces' I found I was a better mother and just got on with what I had to do. In time I noticed my son worked things out for himself. All I ever said was always be prepared with a back up plan as the likelihood of your father letting you down is high and I always made sure I had one too. The years have now past and my son says to me that he knows how his father is, that he can't count on him however he accepts him with these faults. While sad the great part is my son now, at the age of 21, thanks me for being his rock, a source of strength and support. You can't stop your children from falling over, that is how they learn best, but as a mother you can choose to always be there when they do and help them get back up. :smile:

 

[Abstract]

Both my children have been greatly affected by what they saw/heard

It sounds like you were doing the best you knew how at the time and that believed you were protecting them from what was happening. You obviously DID protect them from a lot of it too.

One saying that I find comfort in and helpful is, "I did the best that I could at the time with what I knew". If I look at it clearly if I had known more I would have acted differently but really that is irrelevant as that knowledge wasn't there then.

You obviously care deeply about your children and they are getting help. Getting help early can make all the difference.

I am sorry you are still connected to him via your children though. That must be very hard.

I hope you find self compassion. Anyone who has experienced this stuff deserves it.