How Do You Validate Yourself?

[Deleted member 12723]

I am in need of much validation right now and I am wondering if anyone has had success in self validation. We have to heal ourselves from within, I believe.

I am currently using all of my tools but I cannot seem to validate myself when I need it the most.

Any one relate to this one?

 

[Changing4Best]

Speak the validations out loud to yourself, go into the restroom and whisper them to yourself or take a break from work and do so. Speak them to yourself while you are driving to and from. Scream them out into the country air if you have some available!!! Write them in your journal. Tell them to someone you love and who loves you. Pray them to God.

 

[City Slicker]

That's a really good question gizmo.

I am starting to see success. My first challenge was to get to know the circumstances under which I was most likely to invalidate myself. Once I got my head around that when I got into those circumstances I began to try to inject some statements into the invalidation noise in my head. I started speaking statements out loud too - things that should have been said to me and mirrored for me early on but weren't and as a result left me struggling to regulate myself.

I say the most 'embarrassing' things to myself like, 'you're ok', you're a good girl', you're doing fine', 'yes, this is hard, I am so proud of you', 'we'll get through this together', 'I am right here with you' and so on. It's embarrassing because it's so foreign to me to hear it.

But I am at the point now where I can almost feel some new patterns beginning in my brain. It might just be working.

 

[ghotiff]

Great thread @gizmo

I really look forward to learning how people self-validate.

A comment on affirmations. They often seemed a bit 'wrong' to me until I read some solid research that explained the critical point of how to choose your affirmations.
Apparently, if the affirmation is "I am stunningly gorgeous" but you actually feel ugly then when stating this affirmation, the brain recognises the huge gap between the affirmation and your personal truth so it rejects the affirmation and in doing so subconsciously reinforces the negative view (that you see yourself as ugly). The trick (apparently) is to choose an affirmation that pushes you a little, but doesn't directly contradict your personal truth. For example a good affirmation (while mildly depressed) might be "I am on a journey towards happiness" as it does not deny or contradict your depression, but instead encourages you to move towards happiness, and to actively notice or seek happiness.

 

[serenity55]

Recently I've started talking to myself from my elder state. Imagine myself as my wiser, older sage and talk to myself from that point of view. What that part of me would tell me.

Also it can help to visualize myself as a young child and imagine how i would treat and what i would say to that young child.

Another trick is to really look at what i am doing well and go through a list of that. Even if it is small things like noticing that i was dissociating or choosing to look for the positives even if i am not sure what they are. Sometimes i can find some great things i would have missed and can feel proud of a few good choices. I allow the bad ones to be there too, I just choose to list the good ones right now for this moment. This helps me personalize the affirmation to what i am willing to see as positive in the moment.

Also at times I struggle to believe or even come up with the positive affirmations so I visualize loving kindness in an image rather than words and picture myself recieving it.

 

[shell]

I find validating myself really hard, I try to treat myself like I would a friend, so when I'm feeling threatened, or unsupported I think of what I would say to my best friend, that way I am more caring and compassionate and not self crictical or dismissing of my needs.

I think it's important to accept that we all have needs, and to give ourselves permission to have them.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Let your light shine Gismo!!

Validation comes from the very depths of your soul. You validate yourself through self love. The knowing you didn't deserve the abuse you endured. There are evil people in this world who want you to live/feel their detestable lives. They want to steal your joy happiness and peace. Having survived a clusterF*** of a childhood full of dangerous emotionally dead vampires I don't need anyone to validate what I lived through. I know. I feel the peace in my heart. Despite their best efforts I can feel love joy and happiness to greater depths. Most of society is incapable of understanding the depth of dysfunction many of us have survived. At times that is discouraging...until you realize it is also a beautiful thing. It validates something bigger than us...it validates life itself and gives you hope. :joyful:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and sharing it with me.

Everything is so helpful to me. I really appreciate your taking the time to respond.

I had a rotten day yesterday and got lost in it.

This morning I got my joy back.

I love the trees. They are an example to me of life and how it goes. They remain strong and standing no matter what unless a rain comes so heavy that they topple over and make a huge mess.

This morning there is great wind and I saw that the wind was cleaning the pine trees of their dead needles. So I realized that there is more healing in my life that needs to be done. Good comes out of the bad when we make the effort and do the work on ourselves. I also realized that I love me now. So all of this painful emotions I feel are like the dead needles on the trees.
I will remember this metaphor.

You guys gave me some hope on things I can do when lost in a hurricane of flashbacks and pain and anguish.

I am going to be ok now. Healing and recovery is a process that takes a long time and a lot of work.

So today I found my own self validation. I especially liked what Survivor 2thriver said. It goes along with what I experienced this morning.

Is it not interesting that to become aware of something, real solid change can happen?

 

[Changing4Best]

One other suggestion, buy yourself a small gift, something that you don't need, just something that will cheer you up or make you feel better about you.

 

[ghotiff]

I was thinking about self-validation and a thought came to mind, that I’m not sure about, but I thought I’d open it up for discussion and input.

The book: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, describes the five different way love is received (gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch). The book is about working out what you and your partner need so that they can give love to you in the language you need, and so you can give love to them in the language they need.

I was thinking that maybe self-validation is giving ‘love’ to yourself in the language that you need.

 

[The Albatross]

I actually suck at validating myself. But I bring back the people in my life who are no longer living to buoy me back up. They modeled for me how to deal with adversity, loss, chronic illness. Most often it is my father and my father-in-law who both had a tenacity and special though gruff quality about themselves. Ironically, my father was my first abuser but I have learned to pull what I need from my memory without all the other stuff flooding back in.

The other thing I use a lot, is famous quotes. I go on the hunt for them when having difficulty and read up, finding some truisms that resonate with me on any given day. I can hold them in my mind for that day or for a few days so that I don't slide into the abyss nearly as often. I also use bible study or devotional reading for the same purpose.

For me the problem with self validation is that I can say the words, but it has no effect unless on a core level I believe it. On a core level I am still damaged and there are times when self validation will fail because on a base level I don't believe it. I do have some times now where I can sustain with self validation, but it is inconsistent for me.

 

[Philippa]

I found this article. Hope it helps:

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