I am much of the same frame of mind as you, my first trauma was at 2 1/2 and I was 5 when I was welcomed into fellowship and in all truth, I would not have survived my childhood or the past 46 years if not for the love of God and the gift of the word shared by Jesus. I was also 35 when I started to actually understand that what I was dealing with on the inside, was something that wasn't going to go away, and that there was no love except for my desire to love that was going to heal me. Before you can love another you must love yourself. This is an extraordinarily tall order when you have spent your life trying to prove yourself worthy of love by loving others instead. I was also 35 when I read in in the bible about love growing cold, and yes it is happening, of this you can be sure..and its very sad and frightening to be aware of it and recognize that so many others are not aware of it and have "drank the kool-aid", we can thank the "its all about me" movement.for nurturing this state of society. Unfortunately, the rules that govern society are why you and I suffer in the manner we do. And all the others who suffer as well. And if you are a free thinker, which as I am, I believe you are, we don't fit in easily as it is, then add CPTSD to the mix, and we are drastically different from what society says we should be, we are cast aside as mentally ill, or emotionally unstable.This is the "force" that is exacted to create the atmosphere of going along with societies expectations of those who live in it. Be like us even if it goes against your character and beliefs or be alone, or abused. We don't want to be abused any further, we want to be understood and accepted, but you can't be alone, and truly feel understood and accepted. Until society accepts that the rules are not conducive to the health and well being of the individual, and that the current rules, while there are those that are good and are for the good of all, there are rules that are cruel and damaging to those who need the support of society to just be able to function within it. We have no choice but to continue to struggle with our inner demons and be the best person we can be to ourselves first, not because "its all about me" but because it never was when we needed it to be. And reach out to those who suffer in kind. Not everyone is going to be receptive to our kindness, our compassion, and our generousity of giving our love, but every little bit counts....I live with the constant pain of rejection and lately I have just wanted to give up and end my misery suffering once and for all, but I read your post and I am glad did, because it has reminded me that God has a way of using everything for the good, and though I suffer, he gave me a heart of love in an age where love is most desperately needed. Keep up the good fight, we are not alone...
