Dom Violence How Do You Want Men To Behave?

[Meadowsweet]

The question could apply to whatever sex the domestic abuse has come from. But for me that's male, so I've asked how do you want men to behave. I'm not really talking about partners, but men in general.

What sparked the question is that a couple of men at work will hold the door and expect me to walk through first. I know they mean well, and I walk through without making a fuss. But I feel very very uncomfortable when men do that.

Firstly I feel that they're seeing me as a female, rather than as a person. Secondly, I feel owned, I feel like I have to walk through that door at their will, and they shut the door behind me. I avoid getting myself into that position when I can, but it's not always possible. It feels like a very dominating manoeuvre.

But I tell myself off a bit, because I know these men are just trying to be what they believe is polite, and after the men I've known I probably should appreciate it. So the question for myself was more, well how the hell do you want men to behave, like I moan when they beat me and moan when they're trying to be nice.

So I thought I'd put the question out there, how do you want men to behave towards you, or what are the little things you don't like?

 

[Nicolette]

I've asked how do you want men to behave.

I like them to treat me as an equal and with respect. I think you summed it up well Meadowsweet when saying

seeing me as a female, rather than as a person.

as I would like to be seen as a person.

The contradiction is I like chivalry. I like the 'old fashioned' ways and even taught my son to open doors for me and help without being asked. I see it as an act of being polite, courteous and one of being put 'ahead (importance)' which is the opposite to your opinion of

It feels like a very dominating manoeuvre.

as I don't see it of anything of the sort unless they are also trying to hit on your and you don't like them.

what are the little things you don't like?

Well, what an interesting question filled of contradictory answers for me.

• I don't like being seen as a sexual object but I like a flattering comment.
• I hate being spoken down to.
• I hate being treated as if I am of lesser intelligence yet used to play on the blonde hair assumption years ago.

I'll have to come back to this sorry........

 

[Abstract]

I don't mind door opening and other similar things as long as they are done matter-of-factly rather than with a certain vibe that insinuates more. I see it as good manners and I will do it for men or others too depending on the circumstances.

What I hate, hate, hate is any of the certain vibe I mentioned before. There might have been a time I seeked out being noticed in that way as I didn't have much understanding of me having any other value. It was a knee jerk reaction. I hate it now though. I especially hate body or personal comments. I know that is partially my trauma speaking.

I hate overly "charming" gushy behaviour. I don't trust it. It is one of the things I think of as potential psycho indicators.

I hate jealously more than anything else. Again potential psycho alert. I am not flattered by it as it is about the persons insecurity not my value.

I don't like possessiveness but I do like consideration.

The idea of anyone seeking to solve anything with violence in any context. I don't see it as manly or appealing.

I like quiet consideration. I like someone who is Ok with my fierce independence. I want to be treated in an equal way, with respect. Someone who listens. Someone who is kind but in an understated way.

I also can't be around men who are judgemental about women's looks or are overly critical in that way. For example making fat comments about people.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I have a hard time with men that express romance through words or actions. I feel like such emotions are just a lie. So many people claim to feel love, when in reality they only feel lust, infatuation, etc. That head-over-heels feeling that we see portrayed in movies so much and depicted as "true love" is not true love at all. It is a selfish feeling seeking self gratification. When people feel this, they typically project expectations onto the other for whom they feel those feelings - expectations to fulfill and reciprocate those feelings.

Real, true love is an unselfish feeling and not at all hormonal. It is an act of selfless sacrifice - a desire to give even at the expense of oneself. It is not so much a "romantic" feeling as it is a charitable feeling. So I tend to react badly when someone attempts to express romantic feelings - especially when there hasn't been any time for feelings of real love to develop.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I agree with both of you about the fakeness of gushy niceness. Or over-confident niceness - the kind of niceness that seems to assume I will fall at their feet. It brings all my barriers up to keep that person away.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I want a man to behave with truth, respect and compassion to me and others.
The things I loth is selfishness, gas lighting, talking down, blaming, superiority , cheaters, demeaning, lying, addiction and stalking.

 

[p-no]

I want men to behave the way they are. No masks, no acting. Nobody can wear masks or act all the time. I would like to see the person behind the masks and acting and whatever else so I can be free in my decision and not lose any more time believing a man is someone he is not.

 

[therapybankrupt]

I want men to behave the way they are.

Wouldn't the world safe if everyone had to take of their masks. I would love for this the happen. I have nothing to hide. Oh yeah I am not perfect. Possibly we could hide some small things?:bh::rolleyes::D

 

[Nicolette]

No masks, no acting.

It is interesting the thoughts this brings ups for me. My son always wanted me to re-marry, I don't fully understand why other than to perhaps fit into 'normal' life being 20 years ago when being a single parent family was not as acceptable as now. Anyway, my son asked me why I dated a few men and didn't stay with them.... I told him that everyone was on their best behaviour when they started a relationship and only over time do they start being their true self. I went on to say the only way I could determine if the person was 'right' for both of us (him and I) was for us to spend time with them regularly to see if they were 'good enough'. I didn't succeed with my choices initially even though my intent was good. :bag::sorry:

 

[JustBe]

I don't trust anyone anymore so my expectations are skewed but I demand honesty above all else.