General How Does A Parent's PTSD Effect Our Children?

[pandora]

pastrychefamywife......I just created a thread in success stories on having PTSD and parenting a child...I am doing it and my son has some special needs we ae dealing with.

 

[Jade-]

Just found this old thread and wanted to comment.

My dad suffered untreated/undiagnosed combat ptsd, along with other mental illnesses. My mom also obviously suffered with ptsd too. I think it had major affects on all of us kids.

Then, I was suffering with untreated/undiagnosed ptsd myself while my kids were young. I know it has had lasting affects on them. When I think about my behavior when they were young it makes me cringe. I'm sure they were confused by my reactions and my behavior and I'm sure alot of my negative traits were passed on to them just by being around me.

I wish I could undo it all, but that's not possible. I didn't know what was wrong with me and I never expected ptsd, I hadn't even really heard about it except for those who had been to war. I wish I would have sought help years ago, but I didn't.

The only thing I can do is try to be a better mom now. I have been talking to my kids about my behavior when they were young. It's hard to do, but I feel it's something I need to do. It's been hard saying "remember when I used to always threaten to kill myself" or " remember the times I pushed the gas pedal to the floor and said I was going to kill all of us when I was driving", "remember when I stayed in the bed/in the house for 18 months straight", "remember all the times I flipped out and broke things or screamed and cried". I can't change the things that I did or the way that I acted, but hopefully, by talking to them about it now they will understand that I was ill and maybe forgive me and not think it was them that caused me to behave the way I did.

 

[seedling]

Jade - to me this is one of the most heartwarming stories I have ever heard. This must be a difficult thing to do but like you said - "I need to do it". You are on the quest for forgiveness in your life.

 

[ISupportHer]

Well, this is a subject I hesitate to comment too much on. Doubt my wife reads my posts but yet I do want to be careful.

I will just say that I think that this potentially can be huge. This came up on my first visit to my new TH and she suggested a book called "Motherless Daughters" and, although a lot of examples are losses due to deaths like cancer, the Th said it also covers emotional loss and discusses the loss at various developmental ages of the daughters. There is also a subsequent one called Motherless Mothers about how this loss can affect the daughters' parenting, etc.

I just don't feel I can tell the whole story publicly but I think the effect is huge.

ISH

 

[Tinyflame]

I believe now that my dad, though he has long since died, may have had untreated ptsd or the next-closest-thing to it. Fortunately he was also an AA and I believe that working so hard on that he did not have violent uncontrolled behaviour. But now, oddly enough, I feel as if I understand my dad better- a LOT better.

All I can think of is everyone can only do the best they can with the tools they have at the time.

 

[James B.]

Awesome post Jadebear. Think talking to your kids now, about how things were, sounds like a great idea. Something told me I would never be suitable as a parent, so all I can do is commend you for dealing with this the way you are.

 

[Iam]

I couldn't agree more Jade.

The only thing I can do is try to be a better mom now. I have been talking to my kids about my behavior when they were young. It's hard to do, but I feel it's something I need to do.

Ican't change the things that I did or the way that I acted, but hopefully, by talking to them about it now they will understand that I was ill and maybe forgive me and not think it was them that caused me to behave the way I did.

I know my PTSD affected my kids. I even chased my youngest son with a butcher knife once. I wanted help but my husband didn't think I needed it and view all mental health professionals as quacks. I think more than anything he would have been embarassed. How I wish I had gotten the help I needed. The best I ever did was go to Alanon.

I think it's imperitive that we talk with our children and explain what is wrong, why we did the things we did. I have talked with all my boys about the instability that they had to live with and I have apologized. The boys are all really close to eachother and to us, but they have all had or have probles that I am sure is due to my PTSD. It breaks my heart but I KNOW I did the best I could with what I had. I also know that my parents both did the best that they could (I would bet that both have PTSD and my mom has DID). Maybe that is why there is no anger with my sons towards me or me towards my parents. We did our best and all we can do is be the best parents now that we can be too.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

My beautiful, beautiful daughter has been scared by the monster that lives within me. My moods and irritability are beginning to present in her personality and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want this for her. She never has had to deal with molestation, alcoholism, drug abuse, rampant familial codependency, nor fearing for her life as I have, but she has dealt with my screaming, throwing things, unpredictability of mood, being ignored while I isolated myself in front of the computer and disregarded everything else in my life. She has witnessed more than one physical confrontation between my husband and I. Heck, I think I have even given the dog PTSD...and I am not joking! Following a summer of surgery for my gallbladder and therapy for the back surgery I had last summer, returning to work as a teacher this fall and the stress over my daughter's changing schools has ramped up my anger and aggression. The poor mutt heads for the nearest hiding place at any sign of an upset tone in my voice...duck and cover has become her method of survival for sure.

I think my daughter feels the same way about me. It comes out through her own anger and is expressed through rebellion. While I have never physically put her in danger, my moods swings and anger have impacted her. This last slide was the one that forced me to seek out further help. The monster inside of me was/is destroying my world and my precious child. I was younger than her when my PTSD started to develop. It frightens me that I could have activated this in her life.

 

[FreedomO2]

December 15, 2007, I started this threat. Now 3 years later, we are doing ok. We are still together, which is something.
My wife has had a major change early this year, which moved us ,( me and my 3 kids) out of the danger zone.
now it would be nice for us to express our secondary trauma, but that's really hard. She wounded us, and we can't really express it to her. Well, sometimes we can, but as soon as she smells the slightest accusation, she moves into defense. It feels like she doesn't take responsibility to what she did to us. And it would be so good to see her grief about her causing us to suffer.
but maybe that's the wrong approach.
Any thoughts?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Harry,

Your post confused me a little bit, as your statement almost sounds like retribution rather than reconciliation.

She wounded us, and we can't really express it to her. Well, sometimes we can, but as soon as she smells the slightest accusation, she moves into defense. It feels like she doesn't take responsibility to what she did to us. And it would be so good to see her grief about her causing us to suffer.

I hope you are seeking reconciliation. I have PTSD and my behaviors have hurt my husband and my children. But we don't discuss it in the "spirit of blame", but in the "spirit of healing". They have identified the specific behaviors, how they feel about it, and then set boundaries to ensure their feelings are not negatively affected.

For example, my isolation really caused my family discomfort. They couldn't understand why I was "mad" at them or what they did "wrong". Once I explained that I wasn't mad at them and they didn't do anything wrong, it was just my means of coping when I felt overloaded, things improved dramatically. At the same time, I did acknowledge how the behavior could be interpreted that way. Now I just let them know when I need "down time". They understand it, do not take it personally, respect my privacy, and continue to do what they want and go about their day. No one has to worry, feel guilty, or confused.

Perhaps family therapy would help, and sometimes a third party is invaluable when addressing emotionally charged subjects. It is wonderful that your family is still intact and they is quite an accomplishment when dealing with PTSD. The bright side to this disorder is that by improving communication, it can make an entire family stronger, closer, and healthier.

Wishing you the best.
Debbie

 

[FreedomO2]

"spirit of blame" - "spirit of healing"
Thanks for your response. I guess you pick up on my confusion right now.
deep down, at least right now, I'd like retribution rather than reconciliation. Which is not something I plan, more on a heart level, a battle in me.
Part of the healing process I guess, I hope.
Fam Therapy sounds good.

 

[hopelives]

Harry, What you are feeling is NORMAL. You have been hurt and you want the other person to not only understand and acknowledge that. BUT You want them to PAY. :)

But unfortunatly what you want is not healthy for anyone. I personally would suggest that you find a therapist to talk to. Someone to help you get over your anger and disappointment. BIG HUGS.

I have felt what you are feeling