How Does Isolation Express Itself

[saraheart]

I'm curious how isolation works in someone with PTSD, especially a Veteran.

I am dating/not dating a Veteran and I find myself scratching my head at times. the back and forth, the I want to see you but cancelling at the last minute. When we are together it's wonderful and when he opens up and shows some of his bottled emotions, he pushes away again. I don't hear from him for weeks and when I mention I need a little bit to hold on to, he wants to see me. Yet, I know he has a very active life, though it is mostly military related. Whether he is protesting or doing charity work.

So, how does isolation show in relationships? Is it different from friendships? Does it last days, weeks or years? Why do people who suffer with PTSD reach out and want a relationship yet pull away when it gets a little real (I know the answer to this but I'd still like to hear opinions).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The answer to your last question is in the stress cup explanation. Well, at least in my personal experience. I think it holds true for many others, but I'm sure there are other reasons as well. No matter how awesome a relationship is, it WILL bring us stress, and then the cup overflows at some point.

Isolation in friendships is different than in relationships for me. I don't usually isolate from friends but more often need space in a relationship. But, right now I'm isolating from almost everyone save a few people.

My isolation lasts days usually, sometimes weeks (like now). If isolation lasts years, is say there is no "relationship" beyond casual friendship.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I think isolation for PTSD sufferes is personal to their own circumstances and issues. I go into isolation too but usually after flashbacks , this also leads into severe anxiety . I usually isolate from one to three days then after that I'm fine . It's not that I want to but the anxiety, panicky and depressive state of mind kicks in and no matter how hard I try or my friends and family try I cannot just "snap out of it".

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I've always felt like an odd duck becasue while I do isolate from people it's normally my husband I let in. In fact when I am am ultra stressed him and our cat is really the only two living begins I let in while I wind down. I do have my 'me time' which lasts for a few hours (me in the living room, him in his study working) where I de-stress but when I've had a rough day and need someone to talk too I rush to my husband.

Relationships will always bring stress like @Solara said but it's also about where in healing you are, your coping methods etc. It's all really personal actually.

But I am not a veteran @saraheart which I think is a big key in your sufferers isolation patterns.

 

[Kintsugi]

Isolation is related to my stress cup as well. I also feel that isolation and avoidance are almost always synonymous for me.

Every obligation in my life feels connected by a thread of anxiety, good and bad. I can quarantine some stress from the rest (showing up to work, paying bills, caring for my dogs), but mostly everything feels connected, and the stronger my anxiety, the stronger that connection is.

This is hard to describe.

Imagine a string tying together my family relationships, my friends, my household obligations, my obligations to email correspondence, my car maintenance, my desire to go to graduate school... and every time I feel stress increase (like, I just started a new full time job that is demanding of my time, commitment, and flexibility and comes with a lot of responsibilities to keep up with), that string gets fatter and stronger. I'm sitting in a protected glass room with a window. Inside the room are my "quarantined" stressors, the ones that are non-negotiable on an everyday basis listed above. Let's say my friend's birthday is coming up. I reach out the window and try to pull the stress towards me that is my relationship, but everything is connected, so everything comes into full view of the glass walls all at once. I let go of my relationship with my friend, and they all recede as one.

So now, I decide not to call my friend on their birthday, because for me it leads to thinking about the brakes that need to be replaced, the floor I need to mop, the school applications to fill out, the emails I never read... So I just hide from everything outside my little everyday bubble. I close the window.

That is long winded and strange and maybe no one else knows what the hell I'm going on about. But that's how isolation starts for me. Stress goes up somewhere, everything suddenly feels more urgent and connected, and I cannot approach any issue in my life outside of my set boundaries without having a complete meltdown.

I have isolated from friends for years at a time. I have isolated from my family for nearly a year at a time. I have never isolated from my current partner, but it has happened with other romantic interests in the past.

I call this spiraling or "my rabbit hole." I realize I need to sweep the bathroom and suddenly everything I need to keep up with crashes through my head at once. I get a gift in the mail and have a breakdown because I feel obligated to call the sender and say thank you, but I feel like I can't call them without accomplishing everything else.

This connectivity between my stressors is so bad that in college I had a professor who would accept bulk bundles of papers from me. If one paper was late and just about finished but another one was about to be due, I would have to compulsively complete all work for that class and turn it in at the same time or not at all. All of this nonsensical stuff is a very real part of my life and something I deal with every hour of every day.

 

[Friday]

I get weird the moment I start to care about someone. Romantically or platonically.

If I don't give a damn (or am totally secure)... I'm very, very intense. All sparkle. All now, and more, and energy. Let's do this thing! :D

Once I start to care? Or rather, notice I've started to care? Whoops. Back away. For a couple reasons. Okay...It's a very "American" couple. A few. Several. Whatever. They all blend together.

- Exercising fine control (stress cup stuff... True in new & secure stuff)
- Don't cross the streams (I'm on a ghostbusters kick at the moment) / contaminate the good with the bad / keep those memories pristine. What I don't touch, I can't f*ck up.
- Paranoia. I've read too much in. I'm wrong. Crap. Back away.
- Oh. I've been a bit clingy, haven't I? Crap. Back away. (Want to call 40x a day. Don't.)
- Exposed. Fear. They hate me, must hate me. I don't want to know that. Crap. Hide. I've said too much. Not said enough. Nope. Too much. Wrong. Less? Ah eff it. My brain hurts.

 

[saraheart]

Interesting...I have also suffered from PTSD and know how I've reacted with isolation. It has taken me almost 20 years to have a normal relationship with someone. And well, it's still not completely normal. I lived with someone for 10 years and refused to let him call me his girlfriend. I referred to him as my roommate. We never had sex. It was very destructive for both of us. I have never been able to feel anything besides surface feelings. Once they get intense I run.

But I've noticed now that I'm able to have a somewhat real relationship I want to be with someone with PTSD. I see a kindred spirit I guess. Or I can still escape and blame it on them? I don't know.

I also think combat PTSD is different. With my Vet I notice a different type of pulling away. He will go weeks without seeing or talking to me. And then when we are together, he's completely there. Into the next day or so and then he's gone again. I always think this is the last time I'll see him, then I see him again.

When I suffered (and I still have traces) with PTSD, I pushed everyone away. I didn't let anyone in. If I did it was only a significant, like my 10 year relationship. However, it could never go deeper until recently. I was never in love with anyone. I couldn't do it. I refused to be vulnerable. It has me wondering, how many push everyone away or only push their significant away.

With my Vet I notice he has friends and family but he hasn't been able to have a relationship since he got back from Afghanistan over a year ago. I wonder if it's too hard for him to open up in such a vulnerable way. Intimacy in that way is so much harder than just hanging out with friends and having a few drinks.