How does one integrate spouse into your care?

[hodge]

I wish I could help more, @Still Standing , but your situation is your own. I really hope your hubby can hang in there. It sounds to me like he will, but you're the expert.

At least in my case, I really feel it's a balancing act. I asked my hubby how much he wants to know about my traumas, and he really doesn't want to know much, which is fine with me, because I have my T and you guys. I don't need to have him take all that on as well. We need one relatively trauma-free person in our relationship and it won't help us to have both of us having nightmares about my traumas :). I should mention, also, that his mom came down with MS when he was a little kid, and he says that growing up with a mom who became so chronically ill helped prepare him to be with me, even though neither of us had any idea when we got together that I would come down with PTSD.

 

[somerandomguy]

My situation with integrating my spouse has, quite suddenly, changed.

For years I held her at arm's length and didn't really share much of what was going on. She knew I had PTSD, and she knew why I had PTSD. I was very up front about that from the very beginning of our relationship. But I only very rarely let her in emotionally, for two reasons: first, because not much positive was going on, actually, and I didn't want to bum her out; second (and most important), because I simply didn't trust her.

A couple of weeks ago I was triggered in a major way and got symptomatic from hell. Lying on the bed, unable to do anything but wish I was dead, I guess I felt so bad that I didn't care what she thought, and I'm not quite sure why, but I poured everything out to her about why I had been triggered and how bad I felt. To my complete surprise, she responded with compassion and understanding, which helped me feel better much more quickly than I would have ever expected.

So for the past two weeks I have been telling her what I'm going through emotionally. I am being mindful and not dumping loads of crap onto her or treating her like a therapist - just letting her know where I'm at emotionally and answering any questions she has. It has been a revelation and her support has been amazing. I feel like I have someone else on my team. I wish I'd opened up to her before now, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't in a place to do so until now.

I'm sure that not all spouses would be as completely supportive as mine has been, but a cautious reveal might end up going incredibly right.

 

[Still Standing]

My situation with integrating my spouse has, quite suddenly, changed.
For years I held her at arm...

What is it about trust? That is the base issue I have. I am scared to trust him with me on a deeply personal level...a level that I have never shard with him either, as you also expressed . The vulnerability is huge. But, I know that this has to be addressed, otherwise, I am in this battle with only my therapist, as my support system. Hiding and distrusting takes so much energy. How wonderful that you had a situation that naturally opened the door for you to include your wife. That is a really precious. Thanks for sharing. I do hope that me encounter with my spouse will go just as well.

 

[somerandomguy]

@Still Standing , please keep us posted on how it goes and good luck!

 

[barefoot]

This is certainly an area I have found tricky to navigate and I do things differently now than I did when I first started therapy.

Like @hodge, my partner and I both knew something was going on and that I wasn’t in a great place but neither of us had PTSD on our radar.

When I got diagnosed, I didn’t tell her for a while. Partly because I was trying to process the diagnosis myself, partly because I was pretty much in denial, partly because I didn’t really know what the diagnosis meant, partly because I didn’t want her to be upset, partly because I didn’t want her to somehow think/feel differently about me, partly because I didn’t know how to bring it up or what to say, partly because it just felt like such a personal, private thing that I didn’t want to share with anyone....lots of reasons!

When I did tell her, I sort of blurted it out by accident and it was all pretty messy and heavy-handed. I didn’t do it brilliantly. And she didn’t handle it brilliantly either. The fallout was pretty hard for the next few weeks.

She ended up going to therapy herself in order to get some support herself - because I still wasn’t in a good place at all at that time - and to find out more about PTSD and how best to support me. She did some of that stuff with her T but also worked on some of her own stuff. And that has really helped us - both doing our own work, on trauma/PTSD but other stuff too.

I never asked her to come to one of my therapy sessions. She would have if I’d have asked her to - not sure whether my T would have been open to it though - but I would hate it.

She knows I come here, I have quite a few trauma books, I look up stuff online....I don’t know how much PTSD research she has done but I don’t get a feeling that she has read my books or visited here. I think, for her, she has chosen to see what comes up and what I share but to not get sucked into reading up on everything.

I do sometimes share some stuff about therapy but don’t share any real detail about trauma content. And I will tell her now if I’ve been triggered eg by something in the news or on TV. She knows broad headline stuff about things that have happened but no more than that and she doesn’t push for more now. I know she is open to listening to anything I want to share and she is way more resilient now to hear any of it than when I first told her I had PTSD. I think, through her own therapy, she has got to a point of being ok with not knowing any more. But if I choose to tell her more, she will be willing and able to hear it, she knows better now how to support me and she is also better placed to look after herself and not feel she has to try to go into rescuer mode. But she is not obsessed anymore with “needing to know” and “needing to help”.

Wishing you well with this @Still Standing - keep us posted!

ETA: although I share more now and she is good with that, I am still cautious about sharing exactly how I feel. Eg if I feel like I’m depressed or really, really anxious, I do tend to play that down. So I might say I feel a bit low or a bit anxious but I try to be measured about it because I don’t want her to worry about me or feel stressed if she thinks I am in a bad way. So, if I’m in a bad place, she gets a censored, minimised version.

 

[Still Standing]

Thank you barefoot, for you response and your insights. They help a lot. It helps me to process my own situation. I would love it if hubby sought out some counseling, too. There is a part of me that feels like if I include him more fully into what I am experiencing, it will cause him to think that this is my battle alone. What he does not know, or at least admits to, is that he is part of my difficulty, and I fear including him in this will cause him to 'push' me to do things I am no way ready for. Silly, but it is a deep concern for me. So, if he would both, talk with my Therapist and perhaps, seek out his own, for a season, I can see where we might be able to redevelop a more balanced relationship, too. All in due time. There is always hope....

 

[barefoot]

Have you/could you suggest some counselling to your husband @Still Standing? My partner really ended up going to therapy because I suggested and encouraged it. My therapist had also advised that, if my partner was willing, it would be good for both of us if she did a few sessions with someone. So, I suggested that and she ended up seeing a therapist that my therapist recommended and put us in touch with. Original plan was that she'd go for a few sessions so that she had someone to talk to about my PTSD and what that meant for me/her/us etc. She ended up going for about 18 months as they then started working on some of her stuff too. She found it a really valuable process in all sorts of ways.

It really helped us both as individuals and in terms of our relationship to both go and do our own work. I think it was also really helpful for both of us to have our own person who was listening objectively and in our corner and also maybe reflecting back some potential impacts on the relationship. And, for us, I think both being in therapy facilitated some useful conversations - it definitely encouraged me to open up and share more. To be really honest, it also helped me to feel less pressure/responsibility - I knew that she had someone else to share stuff with that wasn't me!

I dont think your concerns are silly at all. Perhaps they are worth talking through with your therapist so that you can decide the path you want to take?

There is always hope....

Absolutely! :)

 

[Gemini83]

I had my wife meet with my previous therapist and it was slightly helpful, but she wasn't trauma focus...

Hymless, I’m at class right now. But I would like to talk to you later if it’s possible. My husband and I have been together almost 16 years and I found out last month he attempted suicide 2 years ago. We are in a rough place right now. I’m looking for anyone who can relate to anything for some kind of guidance if possible.

 

[Still Standing]

Hi Gemini83.

You will get more responses if you repost this in the Depression and Suicidality, or Supporter's Forum, or Supporter Relationships. I am glad you are reaching out. There are great folks around here that can share with you and give you support. You might want to repost in the Introductions forum, as well. Have you or your hubby been diagnosed with PTSD? Are either of you in counseling? If not, whether PTSD is involved or not, it sounds like you and your hubby are in need of help outside of yourselves, which would be some mental health counseling. I can only encourage you to get professional help. My heart goes out to you in your current concerns and relationship. I hope this will be resolved in a positive way for you both.

 

[Gemini83]

Hi Gemini83.

You will get more responses if you repost this in the Depression and Suicidalit...

Thank you.

 

[Mee]

Doesn’t it depend hugely on yhd relationship?

My partner and I are very open about it. He is also the person who controls my drugs ; after attempted ODs last year he leaves me with what I need in his absence and takes the rest with him. I have signed forms allowing him complete access to my medical records and because I hate the phone and have poor memory and stuff he and my Dr often deal with my medical stuff then he relays to me.
Our challenge is in working out where this is enabling rather than facilitating and that boundary moves. It's my responsibility to push my boundaries and that's really tough sometimes because honestly? I’d prefer to give up often!

I don’t think my therapists office is big enough for us both to go at one time, but I am sure he would if I asked. I don’t think it's required yet.