How does one move away from someone they take care of?

[TruthSeeker]

When my mom was my age, she took care of her mom from the house we're both living in now.

Now I'm stuck at home taking care of her. She seems to love it and keeps proudly making references to me being the head of household. So does my sister.

It's making me crazy. I keep trying to give her back her independence and she keeps either abusing it (by immediately doing something stupid like eating a million jellybeans (she's diabetic)) or she keeps refusing to be independent.

I want to move out soon. I feel like I can't because she's not going to do anything to make sure basic things are taken care of once I'm gone. She physically can't take out the trash, for example. She can't take care of her cat, either, and I feel I can't just leave the cat either because she's gotten very attached to me.

Meanwhile I'm worried, on the other side of this, that if I move out, my grandmother is immediately going to put the house up for sale. Which I know she either will do eventually, or she will die and the house still won't be ours. And it's going to end up being my responsibility to get my mom somewhere because she doesn't have a savings and isn't going to do any research on her own.

Has anyone been through this? I can't take care of her. I really just can't. She can't plan ahead. I'm angry I moved back home because my siblings weren't taking care of her either, and she wasn't asking for outside help from anyone else because she is terrified of being a burden, but now she's also got herself relying on me and I really, really, really need space. I've been emotionally distancing myself from her for over a year and she still won't respect my boundaries.

And then half of this is just in my head, my own triggers and my own problems. It's not her fault I don't view her as my mom and I am not ever going to tell her I feel that way.

This feels hopeless. Any advice from anyone who's dealt with this?

You are not responsible for your mom. You can "prepare your mom" for you leaving by handing her the information she needs to have in a book with phone numbers, addresses and emails for the bills....name and number of handymen, heat/plumbers repair and numbers, a pill box, and field the housing situation and hand her the name/numbers to call. Your mother's life, her diabetes, her responsibility to care for herself. It's one thing to come stay a few days in a crisis....another when someone creates crisis situations to guilt you into staying.

 

[Friday]

There’s no easy way, when you love someone. If you’re waiting for it to be easy? You’ll never leave.

Consider average parents sending their kid off to university. It’s expected. It’s wanted by everyone. It’s worked for by everyone. And the parents are STILL a hot mess as soon as they drive away and leave their kid at school... and STILL deal with the pain of absence so common it has its own name “empty nest”.

So even under the BEST circumstances? It’s still fiendishly hard. It hurts. It’s scary. It’s heartbreaking. It leaves a gaping void that all to often fills with situational depression for a year or two. And that’s when EVERYONE is excited, and wants it. Still. Just. That. Damn. Hard.

Your situation? Is going to be harder than that... to begin with.

This stuff isn’t easy... and you’re not doing it wrong, because it’s hard.

 

[Mee]

Have you read about the impacts of being a ‘parentified child’?

This is such a tough situation - you have had had some excellent advice. An issue to consider might be the inverted responsibility and boundary issues created by parentification.

( and if you figure it out please tell me). My guess is your experience is exacerbated by the multigenerational precedent.
it might help to think of this as if happening to someone else? Perhaps even breaking it down into sections and thinking about how different aspects Might/ do impact boundaries - what you think that ‘other’ person could or should do in that situation?

Good luck!

 

[Freida]

What is this process like? Do I or my mom have any control?

First up is just to give them a call, tell them your mom has some issues, you are wanting to move and you are looking for resources to make sure she is healthy and happy when you do. They can connect you with all the programs she can qualify for - - from medicare to home health care to meals on wheels

There are a ton of different options available based on her needs. They don't just swoop her up and lock her up :) it can range from her staying at home and someone comes to the house every day to check on her, cook her meals, do her shopping and what not to her getting full time care in a group style home. Cost will vary wildly, depending on what her needs are and what she qualifies for.

Don't think of it as abandoning her. Think of it as starting a conversation about what can make her life better while taking the pressure off of you. This is investigating resources, nothing more.

And write this on a sticky note!
It's perfectly ok for you to try to find help for her to make sure she is well taken care of.
That it might turn out to make your life easier is secondary.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Have you read about the impacts of being a ‘parentified child’?

This is such a tough situation - you have had had some excellent advice. An issue to consider might be the inverted responsibility and boundary issues created by parentification.

( and if you figure it out please tell me). My guess is your experience is exacerbated by the multigenerational precedent.
it might help to think of this as if happening to someone else? Perhaps even breaking it down into sections and thinking about how different aspects Might/ do impact boundaries - what you think that ‘other’ person could or should do in that situation?

Good luck!

@Mee I think your approach makes such logical sense!

 

[Friday]

First up is just to give them a call, tell them your mom has some issues, you are wanting to move and you are looking for resources to make sure she is healthy and happy when you do. They can connect you with all the programs she can qualify for - - from medicare to home health care to meals on wheels

There are a ton of different options available based on her needs. They don't just swoop her up and lock her up :) it can range from her staying at home and someone comes to the house every day to check on her, cook her meals, do her shopping and what not to her getting full time care in a group style home. Cost will vary wildly, depending on what her needs are and what she qualifies for.

Don't think of it as abandoning her. Think of it as starting a conversation about what can make her life better while taking the pressure off of you. This is investigating resources, nothing more.

And write this on a sticky note!
It's perfectly ok for you to try to find help for her to make sure she is well taken care of.
That it might turn out to make your life easier is secondary.

This. All of it.

 

[Mee]

@Mee I think your approach makes such logical sense!

Thank you.

It’s approaches I am using myself because ...... my dad lives with us ( hence me understanding the difference between the logic and the emotion.).