How I Sit, It's Become An Issue For T. Odd Thing He Noticed.

[Panda Bear]

So, when I'm in session, I try to behave myself and keep my body relatively normal. I sit with my legs crossed(I'm female if that matters). And I when I'm really thinking, I'll put my up hands up on my head and lean back some to get comfortable. I usually scratch my head for comfort/soothing.

But normally, when I sit at home or places I'm comfortable, I'll sit all wrapped up in a ball. Legs tucked under my bottom, or all curled up, legs in whatever pretzel looking-contortionist looking position they feels good. I almost never sit 'normal'....

This week T noticed something specific about my body language. I've told him many times that I normally sit in a ball/pretzel so it's not a shock to him, because he often comments on my discomfort getting comfortable in his office. So I again remind him that I normally sit in a ball.

We were deep in a huge shit storm of a mess...I was freaking out and I uncrossed my legs and took my left leg and rested the heal of my left foot on my right knee. I brought that left leg up as high as I could, towards my chest, heel on my right knee. It was a very 'protective stance'. I've done it for years in his office and he's never said anything. But this week, it happened a lot. I couldn't help myself from making it happen. He commented and asked me what I was afraid of, told me I was safe. Drew attention to the stance I had taken. He drew closer to me(by scooting to the edge of his chair) and my leg drew closer to my chest. Swear to God..I felt like kicking him....

It was freaking weird! He questioned me a few more times before I got so upset and I yelled at him to stop. He sat back and says "A....the body keeps the score" "why are you trying to protect yourself?" He dropped the subject as I was too far gone for it to be productive. He had pushed me to my breaking point.

What happened?? I knew the behavior existed, but never considered it an issue nor have I associated it with fear. Though it obviously is, because I freaked as he drew closer to me. He wanted me to try an exercise...he was going to let me push him. He put his desk chair between me and him, he wanted me to kick/push him from behind while he was in the chair. But I freaked and ended up back to my ball/pretzel.

Am I psycho? He is going to push the subject again next week.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Am I psycho?

No

My sitting has always been the same and started due to neuropathy in my legs but i take off my shoes (used to wear flip flips before my work schedule changed) and sit sideways on the couch. Long ways and ball up. The tighter the more fearful i am. Sometimes i sit un-balled up. But normally start in a ball and become un-balled up as we talk.

My therapist reads body langauge (like yours did) and micro expressions so "why are trying to protect yourself?" "Why are you scared...mad...sad...whatever" is common in session.

I think he played it right. He pushed you and backed off when it was enough. My therapist pushes me like that and once i had screamed at him for like 15 mins at the top of my lungs. He usually doesnt push that hard, we were dealing with hard stuff.

Anyway, you arent "psycho" but rather human! A traumatized human but human nonetheless!

 

[Panda Bear]

@lostforgottensoul

He pushes hard! I can cope and he always gives me the time needed to come back down, now that I have the skills. It's been the practice as of late, he has been deliberately triggering me to get a response and that's what he was doing this week. We were knee deep in a shit storm and pushing it as hard as we could....

I did yell, 3x. Telling him no and to SIT DOWN!! He backed off, when my hands started covered my ears.

I felt crazy over him pushing the idea that we needed to deal with my sitting habits. I feel psycho.....one more thing wrong with me? Do I give in to his idea to have me push him back?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I feel psycho.....one more thing wrong with me? Do I give in to his idea to have me push him back?

It feels lile that but no!

Think of this as exposure therapy. Think of this as you are bring exposed to certain things that trigger you now but in months from now (making that time up) may not be. You'll be used to it. You'll have more tools to deal with it. Thats all this is in my opinion. My therapist does it too.

And you are NOT crazy! I recently told my therapist i was having thoughts of hurting him as it scared me! You are fully normal!

 

[jaccat]

Sounds like you might be protecting your core. I think it's a primal thing that gets triggered by fear.

I sit weirdly in T, but it's the closest I can get to normal- legs and arms crossed, shoulders hunched, head down, and body turned away from my therapist. It's actually a bit painful. But it's the only way I feel safe enough to communicate with her. She once tried to get me to sit normally. I practically had a panic attack. She's never pushed it since.

For me it's a case of very gradual change. I've been with my T for more than 2 years, and over that time there's been a very slight alteration in how I sit. Same posture, not quite so tense. I guess some way down the line she'll bring it up again, but I am nowhere near ready yet. I think it's brave of you to attempt it. You're definitely not crazy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Do I give in to his idea to have me push him back?

I just read this correctly.

Id say if it is the back of the chair and not your therapist, Id say he might be inching you to kick the chair. But your are kicking it into him, is an act of violence, and overall isnt good so id not give into it.

But the way im reading this (which could be wrong) it sounds like he is doing it on purpose.

 

[shimmerz]

My T 10 years ago pushed me on this. I, personally thought he was nuts. It was an excellent lesson in checking my body language. A real foundational tool.

 

[Panda Bear]

So it's not just me @shimmerz.....

I was thinking more about it the idea of changing how I sit, in office and out. It's rather frightening to consider siting in a less protective way. It's all I know.

@lostforgottensoul....yes, he wants me to push away or kick away the chair with him sitting in it. His back facing me. He really tired hard before I shut down, to make it work and get me to comply. He assured me that he can't be hurt. He is much taller and probably wouldn't get hurt.

Either way, I have to face this next week-again. He'll push the subject till I get angry enough to react. Either this particular activity or he'll have found an alternative by next week.

 

[Sideways]

I s used to have a T that was big on my body language when Inwas sitting (also frequently balled up). There were 2 lessons he was deliberately helping me with by drawing attention to it.

First, helping me become aware of what my body language was telling me. Second, encouraging me to shift into a more relaxed posture as a way of helping my body (and ergo mind) relax a little bit - kind of like deep breathing to help yourself relax, only through posture and muscle relaxation. A lot of your muscles are pretty tense when you ball up sometimes, and if you can get those muscles to relax, it can drop the whole system from high alert to more relaxed. Handy, but pretty hard to pull off!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Panda Bear, if he actually said he wants you to then yeah, Id give into the want to. It might make you feel better. So he's sitting in the chair, his back to you or he has the back of the chair facing you with him standing facing you? I had visioned it the 2nd way and him like holding onto the top of the back of the chair but it sounds like its the first one.

If its like my therapist's chair, one of the big and comfortable office chair then i doubt he'd get hurt but i can see myself kicking it so hard that it could hurt someone.

I dont know, if he wants you to AND if he cant get hurt then yeah, go for it! If you are scared of hurting him then push it hard rather than kicking?

 

[Panda Bear]

Even if I did end up hurting him....he wouldn't care. I'm more worried about it than he is. He'd rather me be better and live a fulfilled life.....seriously, he'd take one for the team.

I just have to do it...he's usually right.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Think of this as Exposure therapy.

That's exactly what I was thinking, it's like Exposure Therapy ... moving toward what you normally avoid. I have a great T who pushes me in her own way, but I am going to ask her to specifically tell me when she notices something about my body language or facial expressions. I am hyper-aware of all that myself, and can "fake good" pretty easily (paying attention to posture, prosody, eye contact, etc.) However, I am trying to be more natural and transparent in my T's office. I want to know what she notices, since I am so hypervigilant about body language myself. Good for you for sticking through these uncomfortable moments in therapy!