How Important Is It To Have Good Support? (guilt/burden)

[Ryn]

Hi all! This is my first post here though I've been lurking for a while. ;) I'm suffering from PTSD after memories and flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse abruptly resurfaced several months ago. I wanted to see if any of you could offer me insight on my situation.

As of now, I have only told my therapist and (at her insistence) my parents about what has surfaced. My parents knew I had been dealing with mental illness for some time, primarily depression, but were shocked and in denial at my revelation about the abuse (it was a trusted family friend) and have not been the best support. I have never had the best relationship with them... My mother initially said she didn't believe me. Which really hurt. She later "amended" that remark and they promised support, but long story short they have definitely not provided that and are choosing to ignore the issue completely.

Throughout the difficult past year or so, my best friend has been my #1 support. She lives several states away, but she has been the one person always willing to listen to tearful phone calls and send encouraging e-mails and text messages when she knows I'm down. The support she has provided for me is truly astounding and I am very grateful. I would not be alive without her.

Right before the memories began to surface, however, she was dealing with significant life stressors of her own and told me she needed to take a few weeks'/months break from the relationship and contact with me. This was a good and healthy idea, I think - our friendship had become very intense, as I had recently been suicidal, and it was an unhealthy strain for us both. As I was safe for the time being, we needed a new perspective on boundaries and how best to work with a long-distance friendship.

During that time, though... the flashbacks began. She has since resumed contact, but things just don't feel right and I know it is my fault. I am keeping a lot of distance because I haven't told her what is going on yet. I am sure she knows something is up, but she would never suspect this. Because of my "abandonment issues" I am struggling with the way I view her; despite her 100% support I am terrified she will hurt me and leave me. Whenever I'm trapped in a flashback, it's like I keep confusing her with my abuser, and I hate it.

I am feeling really guilty for the stress and pain that I caused her during the time I was suicidal and she was afraid for me. I don't want to do that to her again, and to burden her with something this huge, especially while she is dealing with lots of personal and family burdens. At the same time, I feel it is unfair for me to be this unexpectedly distant without an explanation. Our friendship was something amazing and I refuse to let it go or let it fade because of what that b*st*rd did to me.

Truthfully, I really wish I had her support, even though I am afraid of burdening her. I am feeling incredibly guilty, dirty, ashamed... And the longer I keep silent, the more shameful and stigmatized I feel. Silence and "don't tell" is what my abuser drilled into me and it's keeping me under his power.

She is a lifelong friend, and I will definitely tell her at some point. I absolutely trust her. Initially I decided I wanted to tell her face-to-face the next time either of us visited. I feel like that respects both the importance of my situation and also her feelings. But because of financial issues it is doubtful I will be able to visit her until next December. The implication of this is an entire year of keeping this horrible secret to myself, and I am already crumbling only a few months without any adequate support.

Can anyone offer their thoughts? How important is it to have a good support group aside from a therapist? How do you deal with the guilt of offering your burdens to other people, especially your closest friends? Have you ever asked for support from a long-distance friend? And of course, telling on the phone vs. face-to-face vs. email...? What should I do? :(

Sorry for all the questions. I am so new to this and I am really terrified. I had a horrible flashback New Years Eve and I'm at my wit's end. I really need my best friend.

Ryn

 

[Hashi]

I have support from close friends who know very little.

I told my best friend that I'm having a hard time dealing with something, that I'm having therapy, that I'm struggling. She has no idea that it's trauma or PTSD. She just accepts what I said, and is willing to hear more if I want to say more, and is willing to support me either way. Just being able to tell her, "I'm struggling, my depression has been bad, I've been very anxious" - for me, that's enough. It's a big support and a relief. All of this is by phone. I rarely see her. I wouldn't do it by text or email, even though we do that too. I do it when we talk on the phone.

I told another close friend that I'd experienced a trauma and I'm struggling to heal from it. No details beyond that. Her response amazed me - no questions, no judgement, the only thing she asked was "is there anything I can do?" This was face to face. We only meet up every now and then. I'm not sure I'd go so far as mentioning trauma, however vaguely, except this way. But that's only me.

I know I'm very lucky to have this, in terms of friendship. Possibly, you have it too. At any rate I just wanted to make the suggestion that one option is to give limited information. I don't feel that I'm lying to my friends. I'm not hiding anything from them. I'm not giving them the details, but that's not the same as lying or hiding. If at any point in the future I disclosed the nature of my trauma and my healing, it would make sense and it would tie in to what they know now. For now, they know I'm not giving details, and they accept that.

The horrible flashbacks stuff - I've saved that for my journal and therapy. My friends don't need to know and it wouldn't help any of us if they did.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hello Ryn,

I edited your threads title to reflect the thread's context and questions asked. It should help you get more replies.

Best wishes in your journey,

Ayesha

 

[HelenB]

Personally I have often found it very hard when I have been going through things and been in a place where I wanted and needed support. I even feel guilty for seeing my therapist at times, but have really been trying to learn that actually there are times when I do have these needs and having a friend who really does understand and care is so important.

It sounds to me as if your friend has been very good at being able to tell you what her needs and boundaries are too and I think that it is important to remember this when you are thinking about talking to her. It does sound like as she has done this in the past that she really would be honest with you and tell you what things are too much, and it also sounds like your friendship is strong enough and you strong enough to be able to take this and realise it is not about you but the place she is in too if there were ever times when she felt it was too much.

I personally think good friends where we can be so honest are so valuable. I have a friend who I can email and though I am very often checking that she really doesn't mind and that it really is ok, she has always been so accepting and loving and even when I know she cannot reply and I do not hear from her for a while, she always says it is still ok to write and just having someone who is so accepting and who I really can say anything to, has been so important to me and I know so worth having.

Though it is so hard, I am really glad that you are in the place where you can accept and know the things which happened to you, and hope you can get all the support you do need as you journey through into the freedom you deserve.

God bless
Helen

 

[Marf]

It is extremely important to have a good support system. I would be honest with your friend that you have something that you want to talk about in person and feel torn. Decide together how to handle it. Your friend needs your support also.

 

[Ryn]

Thanks so much all!

@Hashi, I really appreciate your input about being able to share without the details. I guess I was having trouble thinking of a "middle ground" like that so your suggestions were very helpful. :) I'm leaning towards that route.

@HelenB the thing is, aside from this one incident, my friend is actually not very good about setting boundaries and caring for herself. She is a very self-sacrificial person to the point where it is admirable but harmful for her. One of the biggest stressors of our friendship for me has been feeling like I have to "protect her from myself" because she will selflessly support and support until she is crumbling; then I feel guilty. It's difficult enough for me to manage setting boundaries for myself without feeling like I have to set them for her too.

At this point one of the biggest reasons I wish I could talk to her is to get out from under all this silence. Telling my therapist was very liberating and helped me feel a bit less ashamed of myself (not much). I know trauma isn't something to be taken lightly at ALL, but at the same time I know from experience that hiding my issues like skeletons in the closet often proves poisonous for both me and the people around me. But is that even a legitimate motive for telling? To simply break the silence? Sigh. Confused. Feeling like a guilty child who won't tell what she's done wrong.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like a guilty child, and personally think that yes getting away from the silence is a very legitimate reason for sharing with your friend. I agree that it is like a skeleton in the closet and know for myself that when I have shut it up and tried to keep it in silence too it has been so much harder and really been so destructive to me.

In terms of feeling like a guilty child I really want to say to you that this is not your fault. These things happened to you and were done to you and I am so sorry that the person who did them made you feel like the blame is on you so much. This is so often the case with abuse, but is not reality. You are not to blame and I really do hope that if you decide that you can tell, that sharing this and really being able to bring it more in the light will also be able to expose this lie and help you realise that it really is not your fault.

I know that though it has been hard for me, I have now come to a place where I am very honest with quite a few people about the things which have happened to me. I do not go into detail but have no problem saying that I am suffering from PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. I believe this is important for me, because effectively I have shut away the little girl it happened to away inside me, and blamed her for so long, but when I can really be like that and allow myself to be so real, even when it is hard, that has helped me so much with no longer shutting that part away, and has been so important towards my whole self acceptance and learning so much more not to hate and blame myself. I still struggle a lot with blaming myself and going back to that place of self destruction, but do know that really bringing it into the light and really exposing the truth for what it really is, had been so helpful, and know that when I have done this it helps so much with the shame too, because this really is something which was done to me, and not something I should take the shame and guilt on for myself.

In terms of your friend I would personally suggest that you talk this through with her and ask her specifically what her boundaries would be. Sharing this information does not have to be putting something massive on her and it is not asking for her to be there in each and every situation, but it is about having that person there who you know really hears and understands and I know for me that even when I do not actually go to the person, knowing there is someone else close in my life, who really hears that part of me helps so much, as I do not have to shut it out but really can be me and all if me, whatever that entails, and do not feel like I am just there putting on a mask and having to hide everything away, which I really do not think helps me, or that hurting little girl inside me at all.

I hope sharing my experience helps you and really do hope more than anything that you can see that these things which you want to share are not things which you should feel guilty and ashamed of, but things which happened to you, which you in no terms need to feel bad about, because it really was not your fault and the guilt and shame really do belong to other person who did these things to you.

God bless
Helen

 

[Bluerose]

A good support system is important. I found one person may not understand all that is going on but each member of my support system seemed to understand some of it and that helped.

And sometimes just having someone you can go to in a tough moment was like letting some of the pressure out of a pressure cooker, and that helped to prevent a build up of emotional pain and breathlessness.

The distraction alone often helped a lot. Just not being left alone with your own thoughts helped.

 

[Ryn]

Thank you. I feel a bit better about things and am planning to talk with her in the next few weeks or so. I am already feeling the relief knowing that this silence can't suffocate me.

 

[WendyA]

@Ryn have you talked to your friend yet? I am curious as to the outcome. I have a friend and situation very similar except that I see him at work M-F and talk to him every day. I have been trying to keep things to myself now since he is having some stress in his life himself and I don't want to overburden him or overwhelm him. However, he is the only person right now, aside from my therapist, that I trust and for the time being I do trust him more than my therapist. I've never had someone love and care about me so much and be so supportive and believe in me. So now that I'm giving him a bit of a break from the awful details that is my life now I find that I am feeling completely and utterly alone. I have tried other people, just no one I feel I can trust, as trust for me takes a lot of time and I don't have that kind of time now. I do benefit from coming here and "talking" but it is not the same as this personal relationship and I live for his hugs...there is safety there that I have never felt before. Please keep us posted with how things go. I hope, with all my heart, that things work out for you.

 

[The Albatross]

How important is it to have a good support group aside from a therapist?

Optimal but optional. Sure good supportive groups or people are wonderful... but I was keenly aware of wearing people down or out. I nixed the dependency and drag on someone else and went into online forums and tried to cultivate some autonomy and a sense of competent independence.

 

[Ryn]

Hi @WendyA, no I haven't talked to her but am planning to tomorrow morning via skype. I let her know that there was something important/serious I wanted to talk to her about and she was absolutely supportive and willing to listen. I decided I am just going to focus on the PTSD diagnosis and only briefly/vaguely mention the trauma surrounding it. I'm admittedly pretty terrified and stressed about it, but hopefully it goes well. Will let you all know!