Dom Violence How Long Did You Stay?

[p-no]

11 years.

Having said that, at our first date, he did not show. It was noon, I came to his town and was waiting at the train station. I called and called, no answer. It took me 90 minutes to get so angry that I would take a train back. Unfortunately that's when he got there. I should have left then, and not gotten into the relationship at all. Then again, that was normal men behaviour for me at the time.

Several years before I actually left -- and I take great pride in me having left him and me having filed for divorce -- I knew I was going to leave. I wrote a poem about me knowing but not being ready to actually do it, not knowing how to do it. All that matters now is I did.

 

[Nicolette]

All that matters now is I did.

Yes it is! That being said, I saw signs and I put it down to 'normal' but I knew that was my normal version of men but one I did not see with some of my friends. My friends had men who treated them like princesses with the utmost respect but I thought the problem was me - it was me but my learned standards and nothing less.

 

[p-no]

I thought the problem was me - it was me but my learned standards and nothing less

Exactly. Congratulations on getting out when you did!

Took me a second round, too. Hopefully, now, I'm out for good. I think so, but am wary of giving in to believing it and possibly putting blinders on. Better for me to watch myself carefully...

 

[p-no]

I feel stupid why did I stay so long

I used to feel stupid (and aggressive towards myself) for this. Until I realized that AT THE TIME I literally was not able to do ANYTHING different. I think it's vital to differentiate between who I was THEN and who I am NOW. Looking back who I am now I still feel stupid, but when I step back into my shoes then, I wasn't. I was doing the best I could. Literally.

At the end of the day, you got out. There are women who literally never do. You found your way and have made it here. You deserve a lot of respect for that.

 

[Nebulustrix]

My entire relationship lasted about a year and three months, and was abusive for about a year. The first three months were bliss, and I allowed things to go way too fast. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when the abuse started, because it was at first little manipulative tactics that I hardly even recognized. The first time he actually physically hurt me though was about... 4-5 months into the relationship.

 

[Nicolette]

Nebulustrix, without being too forward, is this the relationship from which you had your child? (Don't feel compelled to answer) I am just curious as I wonder, if it was so, how do you deal with this. I did not have a child with my abusive partners (thankfully).

 

[Nebulustrix]

Yes, I was pregnant about the same time the physical abuse started. Made it through the pregnancy, and the baby was five months old when I left. It was having a child from the relationship that saved me, because the abuse had caused me to lose all self worth, and I'd become depressed to the point that I'd seriously contemplated suicide on several occasions. The only thing that had stopped me from making any actual attempts at suicide was the knowledge that I'd be killing a baby with me (while I was still pregnant) or leaving him behind to a helpless and hopeless situation. And if I hadn't committed suicide, the violence was bad enough that I'm certain, if I'd stuck around, I still eventually would have wound up dead.

It was when my ex started exhibiting abusive behavior toward the baby - screaming in his face, becoming upset over his squirming and crying, using manipulative phrases in his "baby-speak" and once even shaking him - that I realized I needed to leave the situation to protect the child. Luckily, I had enough evidence (and the ex never contested anything) to support getting an injunction, sole custody, and no visitation as part of my divorce. So, the ex doesn't even know where I live now, I'm under no obligation to communicate with him in any way, and my son does not even remember him - except what I believe to be very vague memories that give him nightmares.

My son is now four years old and there are times I become impatient with him for no other reason than that his behavior reminds me of the ex. I strive to recognize this when it is happening so that I can work on being a better parent, but it is hard. He has problems with extreme fears, anxiety, and clingy-ness. He's also short tempered, and we have to work on techniques to help him cope with his emotions. He is being evaluated through his preschool to determine whether he has a disorder (anxiety, bi-polor, or possibly even schizophrenia), or if his behaviors are just part of his personality and not bad enough to fit an actual diagnosis.

I have found myself on a few occasions reacting defensively to my son's temper instead of helping him cope. And there was even one occasion where I instinctively smacked him while he was just playing - because he'd "pinned" me and had the same look in his eyes that my ex would get when he was angry. My parenting is something I am constantly working on and probably one of my touchiest areas in relation to myself - I don't really talk about it with family or friends, and have never really brought it up in therapy either. I have not been a "bad" parent, but I know I could be better, and the constant reminder my son gives me is hard to overcome.

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks for sharing and being so open and honest :)

I have not been a "bad" parent, but I know I could be better, and the constant reminder my son gives me is hard to overcome.

I too, like you, appreciate this situation as my son is the splitting image of his father and at times over the years I have seen my ex and not my son. My son's father left when he was 10 months old - he wanted to leave 6 weeks later (after having my son's first Christmas with us) but that is another story....

Some mannerisms my son exhibits are like his father too and that is hard as no matter how much I have tried, you cannot change genetic makeup. You can help your son become the best person he is able to be and I am sure you will make a difference and be a positive influence on your son Nebulustrix. By just acknowledging the challenges (admitting the problem) you are at least open to discovering new ways to deal with what lays ahead of you.

It is hard being a parent, even for most mothers, I mean I know ones in perfectly stable and normal relationships and they need days off as well as all their coffee breaks, and require a cleaning lady while not working as they just can't cope. Seriously, we need to take our hats off to ourselves as they have no idea what a tough day is... I will now get off my podium. :mute:

 

[therapybankrupt]

Do the best with what you can at the time. Refrain from looking back with the growth you have now and judging. If only I knew then what I know know now. Not allowed. Hold your head up high!

 

[JustBe]

Physically I only stayed for a matter of months but then he followed us so the actual threat continued for many years and the after effects still resonate.

 

[Nicolette]

There is a saying that "people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime". It's when I read

I only stayed for a matter of months but then he followed us so the actual threat continued for many years

it all seems pretty screwed up how someone can cause so much distress in your life with continuing repercussions.