Childhood How long did your "crisis" state last, once you started having flashbacks and nightmares of the CSA?

[Wonder Woman]

I'm here. Not sure for how much longer, but if you need to rant, I'm listening.

This is a very personal and possibly not-good-for-you way that I deal with these feelings, but I often feel like I'm in more control of my body when I spend some alone time giving it happy sexual memories, if you get my meaning. It's like an overwrite of whatever's been done to me. (With a plus side of making me sleepy afterwards) Absolutely don't take this as concrete advice because I know it only works for me because I feel very comfortable with feeling sexual. On more thought, it might make things worse because I don't know the specifics of your situation.

Can you read something fluffy? Like a good romance novel or watch a movie? I'm a medical nerd so I often fall asleep watching surgery videos but not sure that's quite your style. Can you take a bath (NOT A SHOWER, just a soak) to reset your physical state?

Hi, rumor. Thank you for responding.

Your first suggestion is too scary for me. Long story needed to explain, and way to personal for a forum post.

These rape-like sensations would get connected to any book or movie I'd use to try to distract myself.

I tried bathing, earlier, because it use to help me relax. However, I recently remembered an episode of abuse from my early childhood, and since that memory surfaced baths are problematic for me.

I think that is the reason I am struggling so much. I am being inundated with new memories. Plus, the stuff that used to comfort me is no longer working, or even worse adding to my distress.

I'm so tired that I'm beyond exhausted. I went to bed, expecting sleep. Sadly, it hasn't happened, and the way I'm feeling (in my body) it just isn't possible.

 

[Wonder Woman]

I'm still awake. The sun will rise soon, and I will have had another sleepless night.

Sorry, I realize I am misusing this thread, but I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm having such a miserable time with this.

I need my body to settle-down enough, so I can fall asleep. Don't know how to get there.

Any suggestions, any support are welcome.

 

[rumor18894]

Hi, rumor. Thank you for responding.

Your first suggestion is too scary for me. Long story needed to explain, and way to personal for a forum post.

These rape-like sensations would get connected to any book or movie I'd use to try to distract myself.

I tried bathing, earlier, because it use to help me relax. However, I recently remembered an episode of abuse from my early childhood, and since that memory surfaced baths are problematic for me.

I think that is the reason I am struggling so much. I am being inundated with new memories. Plus, the stuff that used to comfort me is no longer working, or even worse adding to my distress.

I'm so tired that I'm beyond exhausted. I went to bed, expecting sleep. Sadly, it hasn't happened, and the way I'm feeling (in my body) it just isn't possible.

Yeah, no, thats completely fair. It was bad advice at the start.

If you mean that the sensations would get connected and mean you can't watch them again, one of the main reasons I suggested a romance novel is because they're all similar enough to be expendable but often have enough differences in terms of setting and plot to make each one distinct (the hope being that it would not bleed over into the other books so that an entire genre is ruined fpr you). Similar genres imo would be young adult fiction or fantasy novels. Something you wouldn't usually read but that's interesting enough that it keeps your attention.

If nothing else, is there a way you can try to meditate or otherwise distract yourself? Are you able to talk to your psych at all in the morning? Since sleep seems to be out of reach, maybe a video game like slither.io or tetris, something mind-numbing to get you through until people start waking up.

In terms of body-settling-down, I find counting/breathing exercises with the clock work for me but my mom finds them unbearable, so it depends on the person.

In terms of body-settling-down, I find counting/breathing exercises with the clock work for me but my mom finds them unbearable, so it depends on the person.

After some thought, Im going to put them here anyways in the hopes that it will help at all hopefully!!!

1. breathe in for 1, out for 1, in for 2, out for 2, etc. until you get to in for 8, out for 8. Start holding your breath after breathing out 1s, then 2s, then 3s until that also gets to 8s (so the total cycle should be 8 in, 8 out, 8 hold). CO2 in the lungs makes you sleepy, which is why the holding is important. Don't force yourself to hold, it's more of a pause in breathing, and if it's too difficult stay at the count you're currently at until you feel comfortable moving forward. (i.e. if ur at 4, stay there, if youre at 8 in/out and 3s hold, stay there, whatever feels bearable)

2. Once I'm at 8 in/out/hold, I try to go for physical sensations. There's two ways you can do this: the filling ver. or the letting go ver.

Filling ver.: at whatever breathing youre comfortable with (though it should stay slow as possible) start imagining that youre filling up the top of your head with every intake. Then move that feeling to behind your nose (something like your sinuses), then your chin, then your collarbones etc. until you get to your toes. If you want, you can reverse the process by imagining that you're emptying bits of your body with every exhale.

Letting go ver.: In whatever position your body's in, hold it (don't put strength into your position per se, but just hold it). Try and focus on what feels tense, and then on the exhale make everything go limp. Then do it again at whatever level of tension you're at after letting yourself go limp. It should hopefully feel like you're gradually getting more and more relaxed (because when you make yourself limp, it only takes away the tension partially) and for me it soon feels like I'm sinking through the mattress.

3. Breathing should still be at 8in/out/hold, but after all that if I'm still awake then I go with the good old counting. I try to count the seconds until I get up to a minute, then start over until I get to 2 min, etc. If I lose track, I start over (and this may be a good way to reset your thoughts or at least keep track of them). The goal is to get as high as possible (well, actually, the goal is to forget you were counting and fall asleep).

I really really hope this helps. I had been dealing with insomnia for abt 5 years before i started collecting breathing exercises to help me sleep and these are the ones that worked for me. I'd say 90% of the time, this do the trick for me and the other 10% is because it's too hot in the room and I need to open a window.

I really hope you get through this, and I am sending all the good vibes!!!

 

[Rumors]

Good meditation, reading books, breathing exercises. I have terrible insomnia for similar reasons and I hate it. I am learning how to switch my mind off the intrusive memories and turn it into a more compassionate process. Instead of judging my insomnia/nightmares and memories, I am trying to recognize them, be kind to myself, breath, notice where I am having body memories, be compassionate and kind even more, and then try and return to sleep. Its NOT something you can do the first time you try. People become frustrated and quit. Its a learned experience. If you have never used that tool before, you can't expect to just pick it up and know how to use it from day one. You have to read the instruction manual, practice, practice more, fail, practice, and soon you will begin to naturally integrate those skills without even thinking about it. I'm sorry you are struggling. I feel your pain. I hope you can find some peace in knowing that you aren't alone. Hang in there...

 

[Friday]

I am unable to sleep tonight. I took the Prazosin over five hours ago, and still no sleep. This is torture

To the best of my knowledge... prazosin doesn’t help people fall asleep (unless it’s fear of nightmares keeping them awake)... it helps -most- people not remember their dreams.

Sorry, I realize I am misusing this thread, but I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm having such a miserable time with this.

It’s your thread... to -generally speaking- use as you choose. You’re the OP. You might consider starting a trauma diary, however.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Yeah, no, thats completely fair. It was bad advice at the start.

If you mean that the sensations would get connected and mean you can't watch them again, one of the main reasons I suggested a romance novel is because they're all similar enough to be expendable but often have enough differences in terms of setting and plot to make each one distinct (the hope being that it would not bleed over into the other books so that an entire genre is ruined fpr you). Similar genres imo would be young adult fiction or fantasy novels. Something you wouldn't usually read but that's interesting enough that it keeps your attention.

If nothing else, is there a way you can try to meditate or otherwise distract yourself? Are you able to talk to your psych at all in the morning? Since sleep seems to be out of reach, maybe a video game like slither.io or tetris, something mind-numbing to get you through until people start waking up.

It's okay. That suggestion works for some people, I'm sure.

I ended-up playing words with friends, and I was so sleepy that after several words, I put the phone down. I tried to sleep, and got about three hours. So not too bad.

In terms of body-settling-down, I find counting/breathing exercises with the clock work for me but my mom finds them unbearable, so it depends on the person.

I counted the black splotches against the white ceiling tiles above me, in order to get through part of my rape when I was 12. Sometimes counting still works, but sometimes it is triggering, too.

Additionally, between acts of violence, because I was hyperventilating and crying, my rapist ordered me to calm down. He actually led me through breathing, telling what to do. Subsequently, I hate to be told to calm-down, and I am funny about breathing exercises at times.

I know my situation is frustrating to others.

In order to take deep breaths, I usually use lavender. I put it on my bed post. If I give the little sack thing a few squeezes, before i get into bed, and concentrate while taking deep breaths, the fragrance fills me. That’s about the best I can do.

After some thought, Im going to put them here anyways in the hopes that it will help at all hopefully!!!

1. breathe in for 1, out for 1, in for 2, out for 2, etc. until you get to in for 8, out for 8. Start holding your breath after breathing out 1s, then 2s, then 3s until that also gets to 8s (so the total cycle should be 8 in, 8 out, 8 hold). CO2 in the lungs makes you sleepy, which is why the holding is important. Don't force yourself to hold, it's more of a pause in breathing, and if it's too difficult stay at the count you're currently at until you feel comfortable moving forward. (i.e. if ur at 4, stay there, if youre at 8 in/out and 3s hold, stay there, whatever feels bearable)

2. Once I'm at 8 in/out/hold, I try to go for physical sensations. There's two ways you can do this: the filling ver. or the letting go ver.

Filling ver.: at whatever breathing youre comfortable with (though it should stay slow as possible) start imagining that youre filling up the top of your head with every intake. Then move that feeling to behind your nose (something like your sinuses), then your chin, then your collarbones etc. until you get to your toes. If you want, you can reverse the process by imagining that you're emptying bits of your body with every exhale.

Letting go ver.: In whatever position your body's in, hold it (don't put strength into your position per se, but just hold it). Try and focus on what feels tense, and then on the exhale make everything go limp. Then do it again at whatever level of tension you're at after letting yourself go limp. It should hopefully feel like you're gradually getting more and more relaxed (because when you make yourself limp, it only takes away the tension partially) and for me it soon feels like I'm sinking through the mattress.

3. Breathing should still be at 8in/out/hold, but after all that if I'm still awake then I go with the good old counting. I try to count the seconds until I get up to a minute, then start over until I get to 2 min, etc. If I lose track, I start over (and this may be a good way to reset your thoughts or at least keep track of them). The goal is to get as high as possible (well, actually, the goal is to forget you were counting and fall asleep).

I really really hope this helps. I had been dealing with insomnia for abt 5 years before i started collecting breathing exercises to help me sleep and these are the ones that worked for me. I'd say 90% of the time, this do the trick for me and the other 10% is because it's too hot in the room and I need to open a window.

I really hope you get through this, and I am sending all the good vibes!!!

Thank you for the detailed instructions. When I'm in a safer place in my body, I will give this a try. Combining the breathing with the filling-up relaxing the body gradually sounds interesting.

Thanks for the good vibes!! Maybe that is what made me more sleepy, and gave me the motivation to attempt sleep, again.

Thank you for all of your thoughtful replies.

Sending you warm thoughts, and hugs. ?

Good meditation, reading books, breathing exercises. I have terrible insomnia for similar reasons and I hate it. I am learning how to switch my mind off the intrusive memories and turn it into a more compassionate process. Instead of judging my insomnia/nightmares and memories, I am trying to recognize them, be kind to myself, breath, notice where I am having body memories, be compassionate and kind even more, and then try and return to sleep. Its NOT something you can do the first time you try. People become frustrated and quit. Its a learned experience. If you have never used that tool before, you can't expect to just pick it up and know how to use it from day one. You have to read the instruction manual, practice, practice more, fail, practice, and soon you will begin to naturally integrate those skills without even thinking about it. I'm sorry you are struggling. I feel your pain. I hope you can find some peace in knowing that you aren't alone. Hang in there...

Hi, Rumors. Is there a particular book that you found helpful for learning this?

 

[Ronin]

As to abusive people & ordering how to breathe or else controling it...

Yeah. I get.
Something that helped me, other than caring people doing the same in completely different ways even immediately after that clusterf*ck ;) - was try out different types of breathing and patterns.

Either for different activities, or just in the same situation to see what might work best.

Build up a solid repertoire of things, so when I want to go the I can't breathe. anxiety route, I can also go to A-ha. It's just THIS breathing, in this body position, is wonky. Change the breathing and/or the position and things get better. :inlove:

And if they don't *then* I worry what else is wrong that breathing is difficult.

But try up varied options first. :smug:

 

[Wonder Woman]

To the best of my knowledge... prazosin doesn’t help people fall asleep (unless it’s fear of nightmares keeping them awake)... it helps -most- people not remember their dreams.

It’s your thread... to -generally speaking- use as you choose. You’re the OP. You might consider starting a trauma diary, however.

Hi, Friday. Thanks for the reply.

I'm taking the Prazosin with Xanax, and I took them at the same time. So, I probably should have mentioned that. (Monday, my psychiatrist wants to talk about tapering off the Xanax. I'm praying he has an alternative plan.)

I have considered the trauma diary thing, but honestly I find it a bit more than frightening. I'm a little paranoid that people might read it and judge me, 'cause there's some pretty messed-up stuff that happened growing-up. And when I got older, well, let's just say, things were not normal. Also, I think if I did that and someone figured out my real-life identity it would kill me. The idea terrifies me.

 

[Wonder Woman]

As to abusive people & ordering how to breathe or else controling it...

Yeah. I get.
Something that helped me, other than caring people doing the same in completely different ways even immediately after that clusterf*ck ;) - was try out different types of breathing and patterns.

Either for different activities, or just in the same situation to see what might work best.

Build up a solid repertoire of things, so when I want to go the I can't breathe. anxiety route, I can also go to A-ha. It's just THIS breathing, in this body position, is wonky. Change the breathing and/or the position and things get better. :inlove:

And if they don't *then* I worry what else is wrong that breathing is difficult.

But try up varied options first. :smug:

Hi, Ronin. Thank you for the thoughtful response.

I have found my body position really does impact my "natural" breathing pattern. Interesting idea you suggested mixing up breathing and changing positions. I will try to be more mindful of this during the day. Hopefully, I can figure something out to help myself more reliably.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm a little paranoid that people might read it and judge me, 'cause there's some pretty messed-up stuff that happened growing-up. And when I got older, well, let's just say, things were not normal

You know, I've been here a long time (sigh), but I've never seen anyone get judged for what happened to them, or what they did afterwards.

Also, I think if I did that and someone figured out my real-life identity it would kill me.

Understood. But I've never seen this happen, either.

Hypervigilance is rough. It can really work against you sometimes.

 

[rumor18894]

Hi, Ronin. Thank you for the thoughtful response.

I have found my body position really does impact my "natural" breathing pattern. Interesting idea you suggested mixing up breathing and changing positions. I will try to be more mindful of this during the day. Hopefully, I can figure something out to help myself more reliably.

It's only frustrating because your abuser has taken away something that might help you. I'm so angry that he did that to you and that it has left you without many options for feeling safe calming down. It shouldn't have happened. I hope Ronin's advice about positions help!

In terms of trauma diary, I think the tool was used offline before it was used in this forum, right? Meaning if you didn't want to share it, you don't have to - the point is not to expose yourself to others but to put things down in writing and reread it until it becomes less scary (this is just going by the instructions in that forum so i may be wrong). You absolutely don't have to put it on the internet to start keeping one.

I'm so glad you were able to sleep some!! None of this is your fault.

 

[Wonder Woman]

You know, I've been here a long time (sigh), but I've never seen anyone get judged for what happened to them, or what they did afterwards.

Understood. But I've never seen this happen, either.

Hypervigilance is rough. It can really work against you sometimes.

I understand what your saying, but i've been judged by various mental heath professionals on multiple occasions, and they are trained on being objective. So, it's a little hard to believe that regular people won't do the same.

Sometimes I just feel like there must be something intrinsically evil about me. Otherwise, all of this stuff wouldn't have happened. I feel like I must be so evil, I make others turn evil and do bad things to me.

I make people frustrated and angry, and they have to hurt me.

Honestly, I don't try to upset anyone. I try to make others happy and feel good and be kind. But somehow I always get them angry.

Now, my son is frustrated with me, because I've been sad for too long. Today he brought me coffee, and he saw I had been crying and that I looked like hell. He said I needed to stop over-thinking things. He said I needed to meditate. He said I needed to help myself. It makes me afraid that maybe I'll lose him, too. And that would crush me. So, I thanked him for the coffee, and asked him to leave so I could be alone and not further upset him, because I was unable to hold back my tears, and I didn't want that to p*ss him off with my crying.