Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[lostforgottensoul]

As a sufferer, I expect my supporters to leave at any second and I try to show the appreciation I have for them and the person I support does the same.

Yes yes yes!

Entire comment so on the mark and what i experience too. Im.constantly thanking people, even online, for "putting up with me".

 

[glass half full]

Why? You just said you know he isnt doing anything on purpose...his isolatiom has nothing to...

I beg to differ that his isolation has nothing to do with me. His REASONS for isolating have nothing to do with me. But the fact he is isolating DOES impact me, make no mistake about that. I think this is a very important distinction that is often overlooked. I LOVE this man. When one of us hurts, we BOTH hurt. That's how I do relationship.

Look, I have friends, I have family, I have a challenging job, I have a lovely home to maintain and a huge dog to walk and feed and play with. My vet works overseas. Loneliness is not a factor for me.

So what could be left that hurts? How about the unrelenting silence while i know he hurts? How about the fact that he shared his journals from the past ten years with me? How about the fact that I know at times he sees dead people and cannot stop? How about that fact that sometimes by his own description he screams through the night to no one about no thing? How about the fact that i know there's nothing i can do to help him. Nothing i can do to reach him? Nothing i can do to shine light into this kind of darkness? How about the fact that i would do anything to help him if i could? How about the fact that i am scared shitless that he will be so remorseful about his long silence that he will choose to walk away from me rather than back towards me? There are so many people here who openly admit to having done just that and i do not want him to be one of them.

God, please give me loneliness over this.

Yes, Sweetpea has a healthy relationship. Yes, Sweetpea has had the time to establish boundaries that work in her relationship. I pray that i will be given the time and opportunity to develop those boundaries abd that kind of relationship. But i do not have them right now.

When my man hurts, i hurt. That is not co-dependence - that is empathy. My man hurts, badly or he would not be isolated like this. There are many things i know about his situation that i do not repeat privately much less on a forum. But, not only does he hurt, he has stockpiled and retreated into survival mode.

So yeah- please, bring on the loneliness.

 

[glass half full]

@glass half full - I think you raise a point that is something important for suff...

It was not my intention to imply that all, most or even many sufferers take that "oh well" attitude. This is a very individual thing. Not even my own sufferer has taken that attitude. My pont was and is- that there is little empathy given to what supporters experience. And that is unfortunate. Its also frustrating for supporters.

 

[Justmehere]

@glass half full - thanks for the clarification. Perhaps instead of talking generalities, let's get more specific. Maybe this seems like a silly question, but what would help you feel like your very real and legit pain is validated and acknowledged better? I think reasonable minds can disagree about if your relationship is co-dependent or not - I have no feedback on that myself - but I think one many people here can agree on is that invalidating the real pain people are in really hurts.

What helps you feel like people take your pain and struggle as a supporter seriously and helps you feel validated?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@glass half full i hear you but what you are discribing is PTSD and is also the reason most that i have seen give up, because i wasnt getting better fast enough, thus my reply. You had stated i was generalizing when i didnt mean it as a generalization but now its you hurt because he hurts and i get that, thats vaildating and understanding but if we are speaking of genetalizations, thats your relationship, not everyones.

Such as you statement here:

largely unacknowledged and unappreciated by our sufferers.

Is also a generalization and as @Justmehere stated, we (most) blame ourselves and very much know others around us suffer, thus why we leave the relationship, we dont want those to suffer anymore.

So im understanding what you are saying but it seems to be also generalizing. I do thank the only 2 left in my life and the one online for putting up with me, daily, if i hurt them then i hurt myself as "punishment"...im acutely aware that those around me suffer, thus why i have suidial thoughts daily. This statement isnt true. Not in my life and not that ive seen either. Im sorry that you hurt, im sorry if he isnt aware but i and most on this site are.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My pont was and is- that there is little empathy given to what supporters experience. And that is unfortunate. Its also frustrating for supporters.

But thats not true, not in my world and not online from my replies. Like I thanked @Sweetpea76 and she isnt even my supporter, i always thank supporters on here when they are trying very hard to keep their relationship together and i also thank my dad & step mom (only 2 left in my real world) even though they make statements such as "just get over"...i still thank them because they put up with me and im have self guilt all over me.

I also thank my online friend, constantly, for putting up with me.

It is my opinion that you are making generalizing statements the other way and generalizing any way just isnt a good thing and its not true. It might be true in your world but "largely" it isnt.

 

[glass half full]

@glass half full - thanks for the clarification. Perhaps instead of talking gener...

Justmehere-

THANK YOU for asking. While I'm clearly having a tough day today- this is an issue that is not limited to me or to today. I've had numerous side conversations with other supporters and this is not an isolated frustration on the part of supporters in new relationships.

I wish I had a good answer to your question, but since this is not just me, all I can say right now is thank you for asking. That means a lot.

Maybe another section should be added where supporters can vent about our hurts and frustrations? We supporters in new relationships struggle with being blindsided by things we had no idea were coming, no idea how to respond to. We fell heavy and hard for someone we don't know how to help and who often won't even communicate with us in a substantive way. It needs to be OK for us to say: that son of a bitch is still blowing me off today. That's our truth at the moment. Its how we feel. Once we get it off our chest we can go on back to being strong and supportive again. I've said just that about my sufferer more than once and more than twice in the past weeks- but not here. Even in the supporter section, it doesn't feel ok to say that.

I also want to say- very clearly- that in every other way this is a wonderful place, with welcoming and generous people. I have learned so much and what strength I've gained to keep me going through these weeks, now months- has been gained by being here. I cannot express my thanks adequately.
Supporters do need somewhere to be able to let it all out, and sometimes there's a lot that needs to be let out so that we can pick up the pieces and keep going. New supporter relationships probably have a different dynamic and frankly, we may have more hurt and puzzlement and frustration and anger to process.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe another section should be added where supporters can vent about our hurts and frustrations?

Start a thread in the supporter area. Certianly this is something you should do, as do the sufferer.

ETA:

It needs to be OK for us to say: that son of a bitch is still blowing me off today.

In my opinion, it is ok for you to say that. Every person needs a place to vent and the site is split in half with half being a supporter area. Why not start a 'venting fruatration' thread, making it clear for any sufferer (so no one jumps on anyone) that its just venting?

Just an idea.

 

[Justmehere]

@glass half full - :hug: I'm sorry today is a tough day. Shut outs really do hurt. There's lots supporters and sufferers can do to manage the pain and work towards healthy relationship, but when it comes down to it, shut outs hurt even when they are not done with the intention to hurt someone, but with the opposite heart.

What you are going through is very hard. No doubt about it. We need more people in the world who do care and love so deeply like you do.

It needs to be OK for us to say: that son of a bitch is still blowing me off today. That's our truth at the moment. Its how we feel.

I think you make a valid point. I would hope that at least the supporter suforums, are hopefully be a place where supporters can vent about what they are dealing with in regards to the behavior of a sufferer. im ok with this dialogue too on this thread. I think it's an important topic.

I think you got pushback on this today when you generalized the venting to most sufferers and tried to claim we don't care when we do. Deeply.

If you need to vent, then that's ok. And if you don't want sufferers to jump in saying wait, wait, we do actually care very deeply, so much... make it known. You may still get push back but I think it's important to communicate about this. I like @lostforttensoul's suggestion to start a thread about that.

While your sufferer may not be there or listen right now, this forum is here as a place to be heard. :hug:

 

[glass half full]

Start a thread in the supporter area. Certianly this is something you should do, as do the s...

And its a good idea. Thank you. I thought this survey was for both supporters and sufferers and more to the point- I didn't intend to start such a heated discussion, nor cause offense. My apologies if I did.

 

[glass half full]

@glass half full - :hug: I'm sorry today is a tough day. Shut outs really do hurt...

Thank you, in many ways. My sufferer does listen, actually. He told me months ago that even when he doesn't respond he reads what I have to say via email. His one response- I'm ok thank you- followed an email from me in which, among other things, I told him that I miss him and love him. I have no doubt that's what his thanks were for. But five more weeks on from that, I've said all I can about being here for him. Its up to him now. What I said above about hurting for him and being afraid that he'll walk away rather than toward me because of the length of his isolation- those are weighing very heavily right now. It was not my intent to start any thing negative or to disrespect others feelings or views.

 

[EveHarrington]

Just a thought based on a true fact-----

Sufferers (on average) have been in a lot more PTSD relationships than supporters. Most supporters-------this is their very first PTSD relationship (and for a few this is their second). Sufferers on the other hand------well some of us have been in dozens of PTSD relationships.

So what may seem to be an unfair generalization to a supporter is actually something experienced over and over and over again by a sufferer.

I see this phenomenon happen in many threads. Sufferer input is criticized and discounted and even thrown away because what the sufferer experiences doesn't fit in with that particular supporters relationship.

Again, not an attack on anyone, but at the end of the day this is a dynamic that will play out because of differences in experience.

And indeed, this dynamic played out in the thread that prompted this poll, correct?

So sometimes it's just best to agree to disagree. Sometimes people with limited experience with something believe that their particular experience is universal to all when that simply isn't true.

And I personally believe that @lostforgottensoul s statement is right on the money. No editing needed to say it only happens to her. It happens in PTSD relationships all the time.