Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[EveHarrington]

The bold option isn't in your phone it's just above the site reply box in all those functions.

 

[glass half full]

Again, I apologize for unintentionally yelling. All I am finding above the reply box are options for posting content to other destinations. I would edit the post out of bold if I could.

 

[Justmehere]

@glass half full - I can see how frustrating it would be to see a sufferer try to do the thinking and feeling for a supporter, and vice versa. He will have his reaction to the trauma and you will have yours.

Your sufferer shared deep details with you and then shut you out without much explaination. I can see how much you want him to know you are ok with this and he doesn't need to run to protect you.

I do not want him to believe he needs to spare me gory details when in fact he needs to spare himself. I want him to be able to acknowledge that his motive is to spare himself.

You hurt because he hurts, right? Being let into the depth of what he saw, what his deep pain would be about, would naturally make him worried you would hurt as deeply as him.

I think it's hard for some sufferers to know that a supporter could have a different response.

I think is maybe hard for some supporters to understand is the self loathing many sufferers feel, because supporters don't often hate us or feel disgusted by our pain - at least not to the same level that we feel about ourselves.

Trauma often sends the message the victim is a bad person. It send this message with life and death levels of power. Sharing, even in therapy, can stir up symptoms. Validation from a supporter is a good thing, and it can come with a very unfair cost. It can lead to the self proective wall of denial melting and the sufferer facing the full force of the pain they have been running from.

And the pain the sufferer is in can oversleep all their abilities to cope with it and sustain any relational or emotional connection.

Shut outs are not always about preservation of the self, but yes, that can be a big competent of it for some people. Is it healthy? Sometimes yes, often it isn't. Sometimes it's the bet a sufferer is able to do in that moment with the skills they currently have.

Take someone who is suffering from cancer, and going through chemo. They may want to climb mountains, they may know that it hurts others that they can't climb mountains . But, it doesn't mean that they can just decide to face the pain and go climb that mountain. Instead, they do what they can to survive the pain and set a different goal - perhaps a walk around the block or even just an effort to stand up.

I think it's easier to understand the cancer patient who can't climb a mountain, than it is to understand the PTSD sufferer who can't maintain emotional intimacy or connection.

@glass half full - Your sufferer has left with little dialogue and no end in sight. He is the only one who can say why he has done it and what he is thinking and feeling. It is hard when someone doesn't say, because that's the only way to know.

Ps - Edited to add: I tried to unbold to quote your post and it wouldn't let me from my phone to bold or unbold. I believe your holding the post wasn't intentional. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your sufferer has left with little dialogue and no end in sight. He is the only one who can say why he has done it and what he is thinking and feeling. It is hard when someone doesn't say, because that's the only way to know.

Exactly, thus why generalizing either direction just cant be done. Not one person knows why or how long but them.

 

[glass half full]

Justmehere-

Thank you- for a lot of things! LOL!

Clearly I speak my mind. Perhaps less clearly I am not confrontational nor do I seek to offend or hurt others. I hope clearly now, I didn't intend to yell at anyone. Thanks for backing me on that!

Your cancer analogy is so very accurate, thanks. Its hard in the shut out situation when things- outwardly, but that's all another person can see- were just fine even an hour earlier.

Yes, he let me in to a great deal. He believed that not letting others in had caused the demise of earlier relationships and he did not want to repeat the mistake.

Yes, I hurt because he hurts, but not for the same reason he hurts. That's why I don't loathe him and never will for what he did, or didn't do.

Yes, only he can tell me what happened- maybe, if he even understands it himself.

Yes, I am afraid that the length of his isolation will lead him to choose to walk away rather than toward me.

I also fear what some sufferers have said about associating a supporter with a trigger and leaving the supporter because of that association. Just before he went dark he had opened an intimate pic of me- a pic he had requested. Within minutes he left the conversation and did not return. Four weeks later an email saying: I'm ok thank you. That's it.

I am not at fault in this. I didn't cause it. I don't blame myself. But if the association of me with whatever brought this on is indelibly in his mind- I'm screwed and scared that I'm screwed.

Thanks again for so succinctly saying what is so difficult to put into words.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@glass half full you had stated:

Similarly, that I can understand that a sufferer will want to prevent additional pain for him or herself by not divulging more details to their supporter.

So the way im reading that is you are saying he is sparing you for him. Correct?

If i am correct, i would and do the exact opposite. I spare them for them so they dont hurt more.

So maybe his "black out" or whatever is because he feels that is best, he sees you hurting and wants you to spare you more hurting.

I stepped out of this and will step back out but if i read that clearly along with your last reply, its another way to look at it.

Obviously, there is still no way to predict what will happen but maybe having that view will help.

 

[EveHarrington]

Again, I apologize for unintentionally yelling. All I am finding above the reply box are option...

You can edit for up to an hour. It's a function in the reply you want to edit.

 

[glass half full]

Thanks for reaching out again Lost- I appreciate it.

If isolation is seen as a way to spare a loved one the pain of knowing more about one's trauma; then yes, I think there's a possibility that he could choose to isolate rather than tell me more and justify that choice to himself by saying he wants to spare me the pain of knowing those details.

But, the reality may be that he is, in fact sparing himself the pain of sharing those details.

My belief is that for me, the isolation is far more painful- for me- than knowing more details. If indeed its his own pain he wants to prevent, I would want him to acknowledge that he is sparing himself and not me.

I'm pretty sure I can handle it- I've also had an old SF boyfriend go into great detail about the off-label uses of common items when he needed to talk. I can handle it. If he needs to spare himself more pain- that's ok and I want him to be able to know and acknowledge the difference. I hope this makes sense.

Again thank you for reaching out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But @glass half full it may not be about sparing him anything. To us trauma survivors, we seen it, we've gone through it, we know already how it feels and we are already feeling it (which is why sparing him pain doesnt make sense to me) but if i see a loved one in as much pain as you seem to be because of my pain, what is going to be my knee jerk reaction? Leave as if they are hurting because of my pain than, to me, im the cause of that pain...then no me equals no pain, or at least less pain.

Thats how i think and i would put money on it that its how most trauma survivors think. Unless you guys have already be there done that and had time to talk about it but it doesnt seem that way and if i can feel your pain over his here than he's gotta be feeling it 10 fold.

 

[EveHarrington]

What kind of details are we talking about?

The term "details" is vague.

There are "details" and then there are "DETAILS"----!

When I think of that word I jump to "DETAILS" and in this sense no, people can't handle my "DETAILS".

Will wait for clarification.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There are "details" and then there are "DETAILS"----!

Totally!

 

[Justmehere]

When I think of that word I jump to "DETAILS" and in this sense no, people can't handle my "DETAILS".

I shut people out of the details too.... All. The. Time.

I will challenge you (and myself)a little on this. Is this really true that everyone can't handle the DETAILS. And I know we are talking about THE DETAILS. But is it fair to say that no, people can't handle it in the sense that it's all people?

Generalizations are dangerous, on both sides. (I make them all the time myself so I'm not pointing any fingers here.) We all generalize because that's how the human brain works. But in one on one relationships, it's important we remember that the over-generalizations can be counter productive and put things on people that are not always accurate. Sometimes, but not always.

Some can't hack it. A few can. A few can be let in and they can be generally safe people about the details. Yes, even those details.

All relationships are a process of getting to know the person for who they are. Not who we think they are or what we think they are thinking and feeling or why they are doing what they are doing...