Poll How Long Do Shut Outs Last?

[Justmehere]

As a sufferer, if you have shut someone out, and later returned to the relationship, how long did the shut outs typically last?

As a supporter, if you have been shut out by a sufferer who later returned to the relationship, how long did the shut out typically last?

A shut out can include any of the following: lack of response to the other person, cut off communication, pushed them away, ghosted, didn't respond, isolated, broke up with someone, ended the friendship, etc.

If different shut outs lasted different lengths of time, please choose the top 2 most common lengths of time.

 

[EveHarrington]

All of the above. It really does run the gamut. And I can't even really say that one or two time periods are more common.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Each situation is different and its impossible to generalize this in my opinion.

Sometimes it was about me, sometimes my surroundings, most times it was the supporter. All go up and down the entire scale.

 

[Sandstone]

Can you define more clearly what you mean by shut out? The phrase

later returned to the relationship,

seems to suggest a physical removal. I would rarely even leave the room, but I often withdraw into silence. Is that behaviour relevant to your question?

 

[anonymous]

if you have shut someone out, and later returned to the relationship

Are you interested in all relationships (friends, family's members etc) or are you just looking for information about romantic-type relationships?

 

[digger]

^^^ sorry, that was me - anonymous thumb strikes again!

 

[Fadeaway]

I have run the entire gamut from days to years.

 

[Friday]

Another 'All of the Above' person here.

The major problem for me is that isolating is a huge enough thing in and of itself. That's just way way waaaaaay too broad of a question. If "shut-out" not only includes isolating but also "ending" a relationship (romantic or platonic) only to resume later, as well as everything in between? <low whistle> Even if we just stick to PTSD related there's far too much variation. Add in normal life stuff? Like breaking up? Foh'gedd'abou'dit! :P

Also clicked 'Other'

The second problem is that, when I'm isolating? I tend to come back. That's where my tango in relationships is based out of. But roughly half of the other versions? I don't. When I'm done, I'm done. Period. The other half, being normal life stuff, is very much flip a coin. Meaning if life changes, again? The person may well be back in my life. It's just all too complicated and variable.

I have patterns, for sure, but they're very dependent on the individual relationship & set of circumstances going on in my life at that time.

 

[shimmerz]

It depends on what I am processing at the time. If I feel like I am no good to anyone, anything or that I am doing the person damage, I tend to go on for ever. If it is because I am overwhelmed by an event in my life or a stage in my healing then I think that may be of shorter duration.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm asking because we get this question on the forum from time to time from hurt and frustrated supporters, who have been shut out. Sometimes the question gets asked over and over, and I was genuinely curious if there was any kind of pattern in length of time of shut outs that I have not noticed before.

It is my hypothesis that the option of "unable to generalize" will be the most common selection, far and above all the others combined, but I'm not sure. So I'm testing the hypothesis.

Maybe most shut outs do fit on a predictable timeline across the board. I figured I would ask and see.,

The question is quite broad, on purpose, because it's how others ask about this. I'm not sure if there is a way to make it more specific and have a follow up poll on a more specific question.

Can you define more clearly what you mean by shut out?... I would rarely even leave the room, but I often withdraw into silence. Is that behaviour relevant to your question?

That is a great example of a shut out. It can mean someone who stops texting, someone who goes into the other room, someone who suddenly leaves and isolated from the relationship. By saying return to the relationship, I want to rule out situations where people break up and never return.

Are you interested in all relationships (friends, family's members etc) or are you just looking for information about romantic-type relationships?

All types.

Thanks for all the responses!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Absolutely love that you did this @Justmehere as i also cant see people within certian "cycles" but even if they have a "cycle" how do we know something like a bad trigger cant break that "cycle" which would also break the supporter's ability to predict.

I also get frustrated when someone asks this. I understand why a supporter would want to predict, unless they have been together for a long time (over 12 months) and have huge insight on certian patterns and most stressors, its not possible and even so, its not 100% predictable and if the couple was in that high knowledge/high support place, in my opinion, there would be no need for the supporter to come on the forum and ask.

I did think it would come out most unable to generalized and there a big issue in my head with generalizations in general. I dont like them but i think it stings more when it comes to mental health as theres already a stigma around mental health without generalizing. Thats just my opinion though.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I cast a vote for 1-7 days, as that is typically how long my sufferer isolates for a "reset." Usually less than 5 days, and without any kind of break up talk.

He will tell me he needs space, and I know the drill and leave him in peace until he contacts me.

That's just him specifically though.