How Many Of You...

[J'aime]

I can imagine! I would feel uncomfortable talking to a male T about my sexual abuse as well. Then again, talking about it to female would be weird too, because I'd get the sense she was pitying me. Probably not the case, but I'd still feel uncomfortable with it. Wishing you lots and lots of luck workinf with your new therapist! :) xoxo

 

[reallydown]

For me...it seems the more I feel, the more I push them away...:confused:

 

[Sandra]

That isn't uncommon Reallydown. I hate to count how many people I have pushed away from me over the years.

 

[Sterre]

...I hate to count how many people I have pushed away from me over the years.

Raises hand. Me too.:(

 

[Sandra]

Sad to say Sterre but is true.

Big hugs for you.

 

[~Cat75~]

I go either way, depending on the day (heh, moment) it seems.

I either push him away with all I have (everything short of telling him to go away), or I get intensely clingy and am killing myself for his approval. I love him, but cannot seem to keep it together and my PTSD is just getting in the way right now. I push him away to "save myself and save him" because, I don't think I deserve him, and I don't want to hurt him anymore by making him deal with my ptsd.

Sometimes I feel like breaking it off just to save me from what could be painful (just getting what I am scared of the most out of the way I guess), and to save him from my unstable moods and lashing out. BUT, that is also the last thing I want, and besides my son, he is the one thing that has kept my head above the water (at least enough to survive) for the last 16 months.

*sigh*

 

[Prettysmile]

Having no feelings for someone I can understand. However, having feelings that are deeply concealed for someone leads to major disappointments and regrets.

Anyone else feel the same?

No I dont feel the same but I been on the receiving end. My now ex-boyfriend now suffers from combat ptsd. We were so in love and crazy about each other. When his contract was coming close to the end (may 2011) he was so excited about finally being out the military. He couldnt wait to fly back home to his home town for good. He was making plans to start this normal civilan life with me. Once he got back home.. it freaked him out why he couldnt "feel" those same emotions he knows he had for me. He'd always say he knows he loves me but he cant feel it. I didnt understand much about ptsd at the time. So i didnt know he meant that literally. I took it as he is no longer in love with me. But now I know better.

So you can probably can guess the rest of the story. He pushed me away, and said I deserve someone better. I havent seen him in almost two months and there isnt a day i dont pray that he will peel back those layers you speak of and feel all those loving emotions that had us soo in love for two years.

 

[kimba]

I am also a voluntary loner. Having done the back and forth, clingy & needy then push away dance one too many times, I decided to forget it all and work on being happy with myself first. Unfortunately, I had no idea how long that would take...

 

[scaldedsheep]

I've been infatuated with someone once and hopefully it never happens again. Now that I realize I don't feel in a way that is considered normal by textbook standards I've stopped caring. I don't even look at guys anymore because I know that no one could ever possibly care that deeply for me and vice versa. I don't know if this because of PTSD or life long observations. I will be alone until the day I die...which is hopefully soon.

 

[Tosh]

When my PTSD symptoms started to get worse in my last relationship, it ended. He broke up with me, couldn't handle it. I wasen't violent or anything. It was mainly the anxiety/depression I think. It must be hard watching someone you love dealing with such difficult emotions/flashbacks/nightmares/etc... I know it changed me. I wasen't the same girl he fell in love with.

Now I find myself making new friendships, but that's just it. I don't know if I can move past "friendship." So far I just say that I want to take things really slowly, hang out, have fun. It helps keeping our visits spaced out. My fear is that he will ask me be in a relationship with him and I won't know what to do. I won't even know what I want. It just changes so much, sometimes daily.

 

[maddog]

All of the significant relationships in my life, both positive and negative, have been with men. I feel enormously ambivalent towards other women, and while I have many "friends" who are female, none of them have ever penetrated my trust barrier, and none of them are people I could or would ever go to in a crisis.

Having had 0 attachment to my mother, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out where that all started.

The best and the worst people in my world have been men, and that continues to this day. All of my few trusted current confidantes are male, though oddly, almost none of them are people I "hang out" with, in that casual friend/social acquaintance capacity. It's really very odd.

I can't imagine having a female T and have no desire to pursue this - as I say, I just don't click with other women. For me it's all about the person, not the gender when it comes to disclosing, even yukky things about sex and intimacy. I could tell him things I could never tell another soul.

Maddog

 

[Lucille]

I can't think of a single relationship I have that HASN'T been struck by the PTSD shrapnel... My family is a wreck even though they pretend things are all rosy in the house with the white picket fence. I've been in a relationship with a man I love for over a year and a half, but I keep him at an arm's length. I don't know if he can see what was the real me underneath all the rubble. My friends either don't know I have PTSD or don't understand. I just get nervous and implode in all sorts of social situations. On top of it all, I take out my fear in the form of anger on all of the most important people in my life.