How Much Detail Do You Give In Therapy?

[Brokensoul88]

Hello, I'm not in therapy as in psychologist/psychiatrist. I have one to one weekly sessions with a rape crisis support worker. I've been trying to get to a point where I talk specifically about my rape and failing. She said that often people don't give lots of specific detail or explain very little of the incident itself. I was wondering how much other people have shared and where they felt the line of sharing & keeping to yourself was? I have it all written down and I want to read it out loud to verbalize it but I haven't been able to. I wish I could find the strength to speak about it

 

[mrsps]

Only when you are ready should you talk about it, it should never be forced. As your support worker said some people hardly talk about the actually event as what needs to be talked about and worked through are the emotions and issues caused by the rape/abuse. The rape/abuse can never be taken away but the thoughts of us not being good enough/ low self esteem /abandonment issues etc all of these can be worked on. :)

 

[Jane.l]

I think the short answer is - whatever you are comfortable with .

 

[Friday]

The things I don't care about, I can talk about it great detail, very easily. But I don't have to talk about them, and I can (and do) vague them up as easily as I can sharpen them.

The things I care about? Ugh. There is no rational reason to feel so durn exposed, but I do. It feels identifying; like handing over my name/ social security number/ prints/ DNA/ minute schedule/ and map to my house. Where I come from there are also strict rules against & surrounding this kind of exposure. Thou shalt not talk. Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. But if one does, it needs to be in this specific format. (Aka a good laugh). Grrrrr. Sigh.

So my jaw locks shut. Mentally & physically. 12 layers of effed up.

But the things I don't care about? Have no power over me. None. I couldn't care less than I already do about them. "Never accept the blame for evil others do" is as solid, as the past is unchangeable acceptance. Either blame is where it belongs, on others, or my own is accepted and tabled. It just feels right. Like that logged right, correctly. While all my PTSD stuff didn't. I'm currently trying to talk about stuff, but I can't. I shoot off the scale and shut down. f*ck. Well, that's not right. Even talking about talking has just jumped my pulse into the 140s and I've broken out in a prickling sweat. That's wrong. For me. My body should not be responding this way to even the idea. So, personally, I'm chipping away. Trying to come at vault stuff from other angles. I've done it before, I can do it again. Somehow. Because the things I don't care about have no power over me.

 

[Hashi]

whatever you are comfortable with

I'm not sure I really agree with this.

My short answer would be - whatever will help you to talk about. It may be very difficult, but then I think that's something to work towards being able to do.

I think "comfortable" is important in terms of the relationship with the counsellor or therapist though.

I have it all written down and I want to read it out loud to verbalize it but I haven't been able to. I wish I could find the strength to speak about it

It sounds like you feel it would be good for your healing to read it. If so, then it doesn't really matter how much other people tell or don't tell. The important thing would be how you can get to the point of telling as much as you'd like to.

How long have you been seeing the rape crisis support worker? Is it time-limited? Do you feel safe with them?

I'm afraid I'm not familiar with the setup. I'm in the UK but I saw a psychotherapist through Rape Crisis (at a RASASC - Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre). It was hard to talk about what happened and I needed to build up to it gradually - saying a bit more detail, testing her reaction, testing my reaction, and giving myself time to process it before saying something else.

Sometimes it was weeks before I'd say any more detail. At a minimum, I usually spent one session talking with her about planning to give more detail the following week - we would talk about how that felt, how we'd approach it, things she could do to make it easier for me (like, did I want her to hold my hand, or how much time would we keep at the end of session for talking about nice things to help me ground again). Then the next session I'd talk about it. Then the following session/s we'd discuss how I felt now, things that had come up for me etc.

I eventually shared a lot. Verbalising it was very powerful and healing for me. But I paced that carefully, and I did a lot of work on coping, grounding and safety skills. Otherwise it could have been overwhelming or even retraumatising.

Could you maybe read one or two sentences from what you've written, to begin with?

 

[Jane.l]

@Brokensoul88 / hashi I apologise I was going to elaborate on my rather short post but suddenly realised I was in a bad place and needed to stop . So I agree with @Hashi my comment was more suitable for therapy.

Also I find talking about this difficult stuff pretty impossible - so not being able to talk is something a lot of us struggle with.

 

[Brokensoul88]

I can talk about other things in my life that affect me but not the incident. I end up talking about that to fill the silence so I don't feel so much like I'm wasting her time.

@Hashi I have been seeing her once a week for 6 weeks. The sessions are a max of 20. I do feel safe with her it's the charity SARSAS (Somerset & Avon Rape & Sexual Abuse Support) they have been amazing initially supporting me by email to get to this point. The sessions have been hard but it is a calming and safe environment with lovely people. Reading some of it out loud was what I tried to do on Friday but I just shut down. I stared at the paper and I just couldn't do it. She said she could tell I couldn't do it because I was pressing my lips together & biting my lip.

It does feel so impossible at the moment, maybe it's that initial getting over the first wall, starting to talk specifically. Maybe it will get easier if I can get over this hurdle but I frustrate myself immensely when I can't do things.

After Fridays session I crossed the road and walked in front of a bus because I zoned out. I have to get past this but I don't know how..

 

[Jane.l]

Sounds like you might be disassociating, when you were zoned out crossing the road - which may also be why as much as you want to you can't get the words out .

Do you know about dissociation? Are you aware of yourself doing it ?

 

[Hashi]

After Fridays session I crossed the road and walked in front of a bus because I zoned out.

This is the problem. As @Jane.l says, it sounds like dissociation. We freeze, clam up and dissociate when we don't feel safe enough. I don't mean physically safe but psychologically safe. I used to feel very vulnerable and powerless. I used to think my therapist would be disgusted by me if I told her. I was afraid if I talked I would have flashbacks and nightmares. I was afraid it would take me straight back there. I felt that somehow my attackers could still get to me inside my head, and something terrible would happen if I spoke about it. I felt like I had everything locked inside and if I told someone about what happened, all that shame, fear and horror would be let loose and I wouldn't be able to bear it. That's the kind of thing I mean by feeling psychologically unsafe.

The safety we need comes partly from how much we trust the person we're with, and it sounds like you have a good service helping you. I'm glad.

It's also how much we practise skills and techniques to stay strong and grounded. I've been able to say a lot and process a lot, and feel safe doing that, but only because of all the skills and techniques I've practised. I estimate that I spent about 60% of time - inside and outside therapy - putting the skills to work and only about 40% on what actually happened (talking, journaling etc). Skills are that important.

Have you talked with your support worker about grounding and stability? Also, you might want to search this site on words like grounding, coping or safety.

You still have fourteen weeks, so you can afford to take time to work on skills before talking about details. I wouldn't try to jump the hurdle without doing that. The aim is to do it without walking under a bus afterwards. The aim is to talk about it in a way that's empowering and healing.

 

[Brokensoul88]

@Jane.l yes I do dissociate but I don't realise until something brings me back and then I'm not necessarily completely with it for some time after.

@Hashi your description about your fears of speaking about it- I feel the same. Like I'm riding a wave just staying on my surf board but talking will cause a wipeout.

We have talked a little about grounding but I think like you say that's something I need to keep working on and talk about with her before I try again.

I've had an awful day, two panic attacks and dissociation plus awful palpitations. I think I need to slow things down and stop forcing myself to do things and lower my expectations.

Thank you guys you've been really helpful.

 

[Hashi]

@Brokensoul88, I'm not liking your post because I like what you're going through. I sympathise and want to send you support.

Rape is terrible, and healing is hard. It's possible, though. The other side is worth getting to, believe me.

 

[Samantha_38]

I have it all written down and I want to read it out loud to verbalize it but I haven't been able to. I wish I could find the strength to speak about it

I have a lot of mine written down as well like you do. I did not read it to my last Therapist (I'm in transition between two) but I emailed a lot of it to him. I, like you, could not verbalize any of it.

It helped A LOT. When he didn't freak out about it, I felt more normal. It also helped him understand exactly where I was coming from. He didn't have to ask dumb questions, and he had a better idea of what to ask starting when I sent him some of my writings. We actually rarely talked about details even after I told him, but it helped him figure out my feelings towards it and work on those.

I'd say if you feel like you need to, you should. I went back and forth as well, feeling like I needed to, but scared of what would happen. When I finally did share, the relationship went from me saying 10 words per session to there being points where I couldn't stop talking. All of a sudden instead of dying to get out of session, I didn't want to leave.

I think that one single thing, sharing the details of my trauma, and seeing that he could handle that, was what lead me to start actually trusting him.