How Much Is Too Much?

[EvenStrongerNow]

I have T sessions every Wednesday. I usually talk to my husband about what I've processed because it is exciting to me when I reach milestones.

Well, we have been experiencing issues with it lately. He isn't doing anything wrong.

2 things happening:

1. He gets stressed out and says I'm going to deep and it is starting to affect him. He says that it is getting to be too much. He doesn't say it like that. I totally understand it. Ts are trained to hear our trauma and not get sucked in to the point of unraveling. But I don't know what is healthy to share and what isn't?

2. I am going through a process right now where I am starting to miss my FOO. I have barely talked to them in 3 years because I was so angry with them. Well they are unhealthy people. Step father is an alcoholic, abused me and possibly personality disordered. Mother had a traumatic childhood with a Narcissistic mom so she has tendencies and is just unhealthy all around because she has been fighting his alcolism, etc and has been in a toxic environment all these years.

Anyway, I have reached a milestone in therapy where I am strong enough to communicate with my mother because I'm not angry at them anymore. I don't feel the need to try and get emotional needs met anymore. Since processing a past relationship with a Sociopath, I am starting to realize that particular trauma has made it so I was unable to see things clearly.

I'll make a long story short. I shared all the details of my upbringing with my husband. He has never met them. Tonight, I was trying to share about the milestone where I finally know I can have a small kernel of a relationship with her without unraveling like I used to. Well, due to what I've shared with him, he does not agree.

I respect him for wanting to protect me. I can't expect him to be where I am at emotionally because he has to process my trauma too. I'm starting to think maybe it was unhealthy to share all of that with him? He is unsure how to support me in this. He doesn't want me to get hurt and I appreciate that.

He went through trauma from a previous relationship alone but the girl also had a very dysfunctional family.


Any advice?

 

[rainy_daze]

Does FOO stand for Family Of Origin?

He is unsure how to support me in this.

Do you know ways he can support you, and have you told him these ways? Maybe that is all he needs to feel better about the situation, because then he will know how he can support you?

due to what I've shared with him, he does not agree

I'm not sure what you class as being unhealthy to share with a partner. I did one big share with my partner years ago, and now I know I can share if I need to, but I don't go into details because I remember what sharing put him through the last time. Now and then I say things, but they aren't graphic. When I truly shared, and I was hysterical at the time, it hurt him to see me hurting. It also caused him great anger and sadness. My partner knowing a label for my past is enough for me. I can talk to him about how I feel now as a result of the past, but I'm not processing trauma with him by talking to him about details.

I'm not sure if it's the same sort of thing for your husband, being overwhelmed by the pain and awfulness someone you love has been put through, but if he says it's starting to affect him then maybe it's a good idea to ask him what support he needs from you? What does he need from you to feel okay and supported? What does he need so that he doesn't feel like things are getting too much? I can't imagine it's easy being on the listening end of PTSD.

My partner says he'll always listen to me, and that's enough for me, but then again I'm not talking to him in the same way I talk in therapy. Have you spoken in therapy about the affect you talking to him about trauma details has had or how he doesn't want you to start a relationship with your mother? I realise the answer might be a "no" if you've only just had your therapy session Wednesday, but that's one suggestion I would go for, as it has bothered you enough to seek advice here.

It sounds like a difficult situation. Well done on managing to share your childhood with your husband; I would say that is a great accomplishment, even if it has resulted in you questioning if it was healthy, it's a huge step sharing all the details with someone.

Those are my thoughts StrongerNow. I haven't been in the same situation as you, so it's difficult to give good advice I think, and all of that is from my own point of view. I hope others can post and help give you advice too.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi rainy_daze, Thanks so much for your reply. I've been clicking reload for awhile haha

Yes, that is FOO. I tried to tell him that I can totally empathize because I have been on the receiving end before. I told him that communicating with my mother does not mean she gets to have all of the details of my life like she has in the past and it does mean that I have boundaries now. I told him I'm strong enough to protect myself and protect the life we have built.

I told him that I am just integrating now and thinking of them as monsters served the child within when I first started processing 3 years ago but as an adult, that mentality keeps me from moving past the power it once had over me. That does not absolve them of what happened but I no longer need them to apologize or give me what I needed.

I told him that as I progress, my interpretations may change and I may decide to not talk to them at all. Either way, I just need him to validate my reality in the present, even if that might change.

He struggled with that and I understand why.

I did not ask him how I could support him. I regressed and got frustrated. It felt as though he was unraveling my experience of reality but I know that wasn't him who is responsible.

That's a great idea though. I will call my T and ask her tomorrow. She is really great about calling back between sessions.

He did say as long as I know that I have control of the situation and I realize that I'm not going to get the relationship I want with them and asked me to please not share with them how much money he makes. I felt hurt because I felt un trusted by that comment. That has never been a part of our relationship ever but maybe that is a logical fear of his from that past relationship.

I knew I couldn't just expect him to go, "Wow honey! I'm so excited for you that you came upon a realization that made you feel happy. You know I worry but I trust that you know what's best. Let me know if you need anything.", but secretly, I wished that is just what he would've said LOL

I wasn't sure if that is okay to tell him to do? I know that's what I would say because I have previous experience and I know that no matter what, siding with my spouse is always best, but never saying anything bad about their family no matter what because it is none of my business. It would be his choice how he wants to handle them and I would just encourage him to make his own decisions. But that's just me.

He didn't grow up how I did so I can understand that maybe he just doesn't have the tools and can't relate. He is very angry at them and never has met them. Understandably but sometimes, I feel frustrated and inside my head I'm saying, "Hey! You don't get to be mad at them! Only I do!"

 

[rainy_daze]

It's surely okay to tell him and be clear what support you are asking from him, which is for you to decide what is best for you and support you in that decision? I can see it from his point of view, because it sounds like he is worried about you as well as the consequences of you being back in touch with people he knows hurt you, whom he doesn't trust, which I think is sensible. It really does sound like he's trying to protect you.

You're learning to let go of the mentality that has stopped you from moving forward, while simultaneously discussing the idea of getting in touch with your FOO with your husband, while also wondering if telling your husband all the details was maybe too much for him. At least now he knows all the details, it means he understands your family better, which is probably why he is being so cautious. It sounds like a lot to deal with all at once for yourself and your husband though, StrongerNow.

From what you said it sounds like he has tried to prepare you in case you go ahead and meet with your mother, but maybe that got lost when he mentioned the money comment (because that hurt you)? You said "I just need him to validate my reality in the present", do you think he hasn't done that from speaking with him?

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, I have some sympathy for your partner. My husband would flat tell me not to get in contact with my family. Abused children are very loyal. They want to stay with their families. They go through a lot of ups and downs. He probably isn't looking forward to dealing with those ups and downs because he is going to be the one living with the backlash if things go poorly.

I don't know how much is "too much" to share. I write about what is going on with me on a public blog so my husband gets all the nitty gritty intense details I feel like sharing. We don't talk about it much. I just know he reads.

And he's right to say don't tell them what he makes in terms of money. My family was a serious problem. Once I got married they all gave my name to their collections agents because I had a "rich husband". It took screaming and crying at the collections people for months about how I have no contact with my rapist family and I want to stop stop stop stop being called 15 times a day. It was terrible.

Relationships with partners and families are hard. I'm not telling you not to contact your family. I have no idea how intense the abuse is/was. But I have a lot of sympathy for partners who are hesitant.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with your husband. You've stepped away and from this vantage point you only THINK you can have a relationship with them. I thought the same. Tried to let these people back in a limited way. All hell broke loose.

What is your motivation for going back? I think you're playing with fire. All the old feelings will still be there even if you've rationally processed things. Hurt doesn't go away overnight. And why have them in your life at all? Did they apologize? Change? If not, they'll be hurting you again.

 

[DMerish]

What is your motivation for going back? I think you're playing with fire. All the old feelings will still be there even if you've rationally processed things. Hurt doesn't go away overnight. And why have them in your life at all? Did they apologize? Change? If not, they'll be hurting you again.

\

Strongernow,

I've been reading your posts for a while, and feel that I somewhat understand your feeling of missing your family of origin (FOO), and how now that you've processed some stuff and are stronger have the current wish to re-connect. In my opinion, in my experience, despite the work that one has done (i.e. you) relations will not be entirely normal unless the other people have done a lot of work on themselves too - if they have, it's still unlikely your relationship with your FOO will be "normal". In my opinion, the best one can hope for and expect from one's FOO is a degree of respect and to have that I've needed to keep a distance between me and my FOO while developing other relationships that foster feelings with others that resemble the natural and healthy feelings one would have with family members. Just my $0.02.

As far as your husband goes, I would think because of what you've told him about your past and your family that he has concerns about you reigniting relations which might negatively impact the relationship the two of you have together. Oftentimes, supporters (your husband, in this case) can come to a point where they feel they've heard enough and they're unsure how to continue to support you. If you think your husband is at that point, then maybe pull back a little from sharing everything with him that's going on - or deliver information to him in short simple terms, including what it is you'd like from him.

Drew

 

[Abstract]

What is difficult is that each persons family is different and the degree of or type of pathology will differ and I therefore think it isn't possible to tell how bad it would be from the outside without more information.

It also depends on how strong your assertiveness and boundary making skills really are now. They, your family, are unlikely to have changed at all and so it is about us taking responsibility and care of ourselves.

I agree with the others that it can be insidious and it can be the need for a family that drags us back in and that sometimes that can be a negative thing. I would recommend taking very small steps if you do it so that you can monitor what happens.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Thanks everyone for your insight. It helped very much and we were able to figure out how to handle it from your words. Blogging and leaving it open for him to read is a wonderful idea.

And so is not diving back into my FOO.