How Much More Trauma Can One Endure?

[Jennifer29]

Hi, new here. Feeling hopeless and desperate and just need someone to talk to or maybe just some reassuring words. I was abused as a kid by my stepdad and then raped twice at 17. That is where the onset of my PTSD started. I turned to drugs for a few years, put myself in rehab and haven't gone down that road again.

My psychiatrist signed my disability papers when I was 25 because I was on heavy medication including 12mg xanax a day (I do not see him anymore) and he just felt like I needed a break. Since being on SSDI, I am on less medication, but symptoms have been the same and now they have just recently gotten worse.

In May, I witnessed a murder outside of my kitchen window. In July, I witnessed a kidnapping of an unconscious woman. And just this past Monday, I was in the pharmacy and all of a sudden a man with a shotgun came and stood not 5ft in front of me and demanded "all the opiates." I stood frozen, I didn't know what to do. My boyfriend turned to me and softly whispered "go" since we were standing near an aisle. I still didn't move and once again he had to tell me to go. Finally he had to take my hand and lead me away. We walked slowly down the aisle and when we got to the main aisle of CVS, I bolted for the door while my boyfriend stayed behind to tell people at the front of the store to get out.

I called 911 and was able to scream out his license plate number as he drove away. A car chase ensued through 3 different towns, and the robber started shooting at the cops. He shot one in the chest but thankfully he had on a bullet proof vest. Apparently the guy got out of the car and was still shooting, and the cops shot him and he later died at the hospital.

I currently take 300mg Wellbutrin, 1mg xanax 3x/day, and 0.3mg clonidine to sleep. But since this incident, none of my medication is working. I used to take 4 unisom at a time to try to sleep but would still be up for days. The clonidine is my only saving grace at night. I suspect that since my boyfriend works overnights, that may be the cause of my renewed insomnia?

Either way, this past incident has really messed me up. I keep replaying it over and over in my head 24/7. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't believe that there were actual bullets in the shotgun he was holding in front of me. I have had fleeting thoughts about his death, and how it may have been my fault. He may have gotten away with his stupid drugs had I not had his license plate and told the cops the direction he was heading and could still be alive today. He wouldn't have sent 2 officers to the hospital.

I can't sleep, I am all sorts of nervous/anxious, I have an incurable headache, my chest is tight, I'm scared...and I don't know what to do. The man is dead...why am I still so frightened? Why is this still bothering me so much? I don't know where to place my thoughts. Should I give my psychiatrist a call? She only handles my medications. Her practice does not take Medicare or Medicaid for talk therapy so I am in the process of going through a different place to have home-based therapy.

I mean, even before this I didn't want to leave the house. I'm withdrawn. I don't want to see or talk to anyone other than my boyfriend. But even things with him are strained. He works and I don't, so I should be doing my part of taking care of the house. But I don't. I don't want to do anything but either sleep or watch TV. I only go out if I absolutely have to, like doctor appts, pharmacy, grocery shopping.

I have been hospitalized in the psych unit 3 times for depression. I don't want to go back there. I don't feel like I am going to hurt myself or anyone else. I am just having trouble with my feelings. I don't know what to do. Can anyone relate or have any advice for dealing with this? Thanks in advance xoxo

 

[franciemarnie]

Please please try and find a way to speak with a therapist who specializes in trauma. Not just talk therapy, but healing solutions for processing trauma, like Somatic Therapy and others. You can't talk yourself out of your symptoms.

What you have been thru and are going thru sounds just very very painful on so many levels.

It makes sense to me that the incident in the pharmacy triggered things intensely.

In addition, you were on a high dose of Xanax and now you are on less. You may be experiencing withdrawal which includes intense anxiety and insomnia - indefinitely. I couldn't sleep a wink on Welbutrin and with less Xanax, that may be also influencing your sleep and anxiety levels.

Do some research if you can. There are great articles on the forum on different therapy processes. You might want to read The Body Remembers or Waking the Tiger or In An Unspoken Voice.

The way you are living now sounds very uncomfortable and painful. I hope you find some relief soon!

 

[radicalgratitude]

You did the right thing by calling the police. It sounds like he was incredibly dangerous and you never know how many lives you saved. Also, how you are reacting to the traumas is totally normal and natural. We can't compare ourselves to people who haven't faced significant trauma in their lives. I hope you find a good trauma therapist.

 

[ill]

You are not responsible for his death. I understand why you would feel like that, but you aren't. You didn't shoot him, you didn't force him to shoot anyone else, you had no idea that things would unfold as they did. You had the best of intentions and you did what you thought was right with the information you had. You did nothing wrong.

Given everything you've experienced these past 5 months, there's no wonder you'd be scared. That's a lot of scary, painful stuff! I do wonder if part of the fear is around leaving the house and the potential for danger outside, and I also wonder if some of the fear might be around decision-making. Personally, I have tons of anxiety around decision-making and when something goes wrong, my fear and anxiety can become immobilizing.

Please don't worry about the housework. It's seriously freaking hard to concentrate on doing the dishes when it's taking everything you have to just make it through the day. Let your boyfriend know that things are extra hard and for now, let the dishes be dirty (or buy some paper plates and cutlery). But please let the housework go - you're having a hard enough time right now - and understandably so! - without having to feel guilty on top of it. Do what you can when you can and let the rest go. Please for now just take care of you.

I really wish I had more to offer you, but I hope that you find a good counselor, and in the meantime, please don't hesitate to use crisis lines if and when you need them. And as trite as this may seem, journalling really helps me process and work through things.

I also want to say good for you for making it to your appointments and the things that are most important. I know it may not feel like it, but that can be a tremendous achievement, and I really think with what you've been dealing with, it is. (I hope this doesn't sound preachy, and I'm wishing you all the best.)