How Much To Tell New Partner And When?

[Ice_Fire]

So, I've recently starting dating someone. She knows that I've got a trauma history and that it's from childhood abuse. She also knows that I've just ended therapy (I'm in a really good place and done a lot of processing work), so she's not in the dark. We've known each other as friends for over 12 months now, which is why she is aware and actually said to me that I don't need to worry that I'll "scare her off" because she understands that I have PTSD and sometimes I'm not going to be in a good headspace and that's okay. She's got good boundaries as well, which I respect and I know that she won't take any sh*t from me and vice-versa, I've developed healthier boundaries too.

But, how much detail do I go into? I was sexually abused and at some point (I hope) we are going to have sex. Talking about triggers and whatnot would be sensible, but I don't yet feel particularly comfortable or sure of how to deal with the question "so why is 'x' a trigger? What happened?" I don't want to burden her with the details, or make her afraid of being intimate with me. Equally though, I don't want to have a random freak-out and us not having discussed the possibility first and she ends up thinking she's done something 'wrong'.

How early/late on into a relationship did you tell your partner about your trauma? How much detail do you think is appropriate? She asked me how my ending session with my T went this week and all I could come up with was that it was difficult, but positive at the same time. I can tell she wants to understand the hows and whys of that, but she won't push me. It's not that I don't want to tell her, it's just that I don't think it would even make sense without her knowing the story of why I've been in therapy in the first place.

We've been very open and honest about things so far and I do trust her. I trust her because she's never given me a reason to doubt that trust. And she trusts me. I don't fear that she would abandon me, but I am worried about upsetting her more than necessary.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think it's a good idea to say why things trigger you. Nobody needs to know, not even a partner. I mean explaining the why means you're getting into trauma details. Isn't it enough to simply state what triggers you and leave it at that? If they can't figure out that a trigger means "this happened in my trauma" then why even bother?

I've never told details to a partner. They don't need to be burdened by the details. I think it's cruel to put those thoughts and images into their head. Burdening others to me means they have less capacity to support as they're getting bogged down with emotions related to me being traumatized.

I think you've shared enough with your partner.

 

[illusionist]

I've never went into detail about triggers, my partner just accepted without explanation....I would just say that it was something from the past.

I've always feared being treated like fine porcelain, and putting my partner in a situation where he felt like he was with a victim...so the least said about specific details, the better imo.

If you are asked specifics it is entirely up to you what information you give up, if any.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Thanks both. I think just leaving it at "this triggers me" is the way to go then.

 

[illusionist]

What you may have to look out for, or be aware of @Ice_Fire is that someone knowing to much detail about us may cause us to abandon them...Just something that may or may not affect you.

I know this was a reaction for me when I showed what I considered ' showing weakness ' when my partner did see me at low points....maybe a bit off topic..but I think important, as I was not aware that I would react like that.