DID How to ask about alters, grumpy the cat

[aut555]

Sorry, grumpy the cat was just bait.

Yes, l met someone l like as in friends like like and l have a distinct impression that l have spoken to different versions of this person.

How do l nicely ask about DID without coming across as an idiot or insensitive? Yes, l like all of the alters, some more then others. But it's always a surprise on my end, leaves me scratching my head. Can l ask at this point if they have DID or something similar? We have been friends for over a year.

 

[Ronin]

I wouldn't ask at the beginning of that friendship.

It can take years to be aware of the multiplicity, other many years to get cooperative, and yet more years to disclose - not even starting on being at ease *with* the disclosures after.

I'd just ask about preferences for this or that, work at being comfortable with what you're doing together, so that they all feel safe & comfy & in their own skin. Disclosures can come from that with time when comfort zone all around feels present and stable. Make clear you respect & honor wishes of them all as people, having confirmation on how many people you're dealing with living in one body is less mattering than that trust space.

 

[Gs172003]

How can you even tell if somebody has did?

 

[pixel]

I keep every single person in my world at a distance.
Not even at arms length... you can't touch me with a ten foot barge pole :cautious:

Trying to imagine if someone suspected me of the DID, how would i feel... :unsure:

I think I would stop and see you, look you deeply in the eye. My walls & fortifications, however, would remain, as I allowed myself the rare connection of looking inside someone. I would tingle with excitement.

It would feel like someone has just landed on my planet. and wants to actually speak to me.
we will speak the same language.

it would give me so much joy to hear a sincere person ask (in a supportive manner), if I have DID.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I don't recommend asking outright -

My husband still can't really handle the terminology - he'll volunteer hints sometimes if someone gives a sideways glance, such as "There's more than one of me up here," and he'll tap his temple and offer a grin. Usually though that's to make it seem like a joke and "let the other person off the hook" if they're confused. Or he'll be dismissive and say something like "I have episodes sometimes."

But on the whole, my husband is VERY uncomfortable being noticed in his switching. He already feels self-conscious trying to "catch up" if a switch has happened in mid-conversation, or mid-argument, etc. He will be far more likely to try to "fake it till he makes it" in a conversation - using clues and body language to try to pick back up the flow without being noticed.

Inside OUR relationship, he volunteered with other clues to the best he knew how at the time - he didn't know about "DID" or WHY he felt the way he did, but even in his own confusion at the time he'd say things like "I'm a Gemini, and we like change and constant variety to keep things interesting; you never know which one of me you're going to get!" Again, with a twinkle in his eye, like a flirt or grin to "explain" his seemingly opposite extremes, but also "share" the burden WITH me so I would know I just needed to adapt to him. As we grew closer, he confessed once, in a moment of vulnerability and trust, with actual fear in his eyes, "I think there's two of me; I think there's a GIRL inside me!" .. and I remember thinking he was kidding at the time.

As HE became aware that I was seeing and engaging with other "parts" of him, he was VERY watchful of me, keenly alert to any whiff of rejection or judgment etc. And we worked VERY hard on making sure there was no shame inside our relationship - so I gave him complete freedom to just be HIMSELF, whatever he felt that might mean. And as we GREW over time, we learned more about each part as part of my husband's whole self-identity.

But if someone were to ask him outright if he was "DID" or a "multiple" he'd probably deny it. He would perceive the question as a potential threat to safety, and he would probably switch, and his Grumpy side would NEVER intentionally let the other person have information that he felt would make him vulnerable.

If the person asking was trustworthy (which is a HIGH standard to meet in his world), he would be more likely to admit to a "lesser charge" so to speak - for example, he might explain he has some social anxieties, he's a survivor of childhood abuse, he might admit to being easily "triggered" but without offering too much explanation as to what that means for him. Perhaps ironically, he's far quicker to confess himself in LGBT friendly verbiage, if he judges people to be friendly to the LGBT community. It's a safe way to allow his parts (Femmy in particular) to self-express without having to admit WHY he is the way he is, and we find people in general are WAY friendlier to LGBT these days which has made our lives much simpler in some contexts....

As for MY side of things, I used to just observe things TO him - like "Last time you told me that story, you said xyz" (which might have been contradictory, but evidence of either splintered memory or a switch in mid-stream), or "Sometimes you like THIS but other times the very thought of that makes you turn up your nose!" .. etc. But I would always keep light-hearted or information-seeking. So much so that now he has ASKED me to say UP FRONT "I have an information seeking question..." if I can have enough presence of mind to do that. The MAIN thing for us was that he knew I loved him and wouldn't judge him no matter WHAT he could tell me, no matter "who" was out at the time. We had to figure that out little by little - and we had to be VERY open and up front about what kinds of things might be triggers, etc.

I don't know if any of this is helpful?

~WU

PS ~ "Grumpy cat" was GOOD click-bait (LOL), cuz "Grumpy" is the NAME of my man's protector self. ;) So you had my attention right up front!! ;)

 

[Ronin]

How can you even tell

Lots of small things, mostly.

Responding to the same things veery differently when it doesn't seem just a mood swing, recognizing and not recognizing people around that varies by who's up, different mannerisms mostly. Sometimes stereotypically D.I.D. things, like a different voice or eye color, but it's mostly the way D.I.D. people have a check on their body / gestures, posture, mimics & recognition & relating to other people and facts they are 'supposed to know' and access at all times (if they weren't deeply dissociative) that's easy to catch up on.

Plus with some diagnoses / neurodiverse people, it's more common than others (think autism spectrum, although I haven't seen any controlled studies into that, just speaking of experience in those circles. Ditto severe childhood trauma / predominantly incest and sexual abuse histories.)

 

[Muttly]

If someone asked my outright it would scare the poo out of me. There are no friends that I know in real life that know. Many of these friends I have known for year. I have known my boyfriend 3 years (we were friends for years before dating) and I am thinking that at some point I need to tell him, but so far I haven't gotten inside cooperation.

I have one friend that probably knows. He's talked about my "little boy" and done some other things to acknowledge things. At least once he comment on that fact that we used "we". He's made all of that feel safe and he is another person I might tell at some point but I don't know.

And people don't always know they have DID. We were so segregated for so long, I think most of us had no idea. I certainly didn't know.

 

[Gs172003]

I

I keep every single person in my world at a distance.
Not even at arms length... you can't touch me with...

I think it would freak me out. Not that I have it but if somebody asked me something that personal it would upset me.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Muttly - I know my husband would echo all your comments, here! Including the "not knowing" yourself! He struggled, so, with this aspect, and for many years. :) :( And I think it's super sweet that your friend noticed the speaking in "plural" .. !! :hug:

@aut555 - If you want to speak to your like-like friend :) about what you've observed, Muttly's remarks about the friend that noticed the "little boy" and the use of plural pronouns would be a GOOD example of how you could TIP-TOE into the conversation in a KIND way without causing further trauma. Better to be too slow than too fast on this one!

Additionally - notice how Muttly's friend simply making observations - as if it's "no big deal" and perfectly acceptable and SAFE inside the relationship! - has the effect of being acknowledging/affirming? This is how it was for my husband and I, too, especially in the beginning. :)

And I think, as an aside, you make another CRITICAL revelation - about liking ALL of your friend's parts .. My husband and I had a little different situation in that my husband didn't even know all his own parts when we were transitioning from friends to more-than-friends. So we were BOTH kinda discovering as we went. But once we were pretty confident we knew everyone inside, and each part had a role AND a "right" (!) to their own feelings about US as a couple, I knew I couldn't accept a marriage proposal from him until he was in "internal agreement" about moving forward.

Once I was aware "everyone" inside LOVED me and was HAPPY about "us" - even if each part related to me a little differently - only THEN could I in good conscience move forward. Because I didn't want ANY part of my man to feel left out or stepped over or disregarded, even a little bit.

And in the end, this WAITING and uncertainty really paid off, because BOTH of us are confident we have made the right decision in choosing each other. And my willingness to wait helped the rest of my now husband feel SAFE and unpressured in each stage of our relationship development. And the DISCOVERY process was more HONEST, then. :)

As I've met more people through this site and another dedicated to DID and DID supporters, I have heard many SAD stories of relationships where one person was only "in love" with only one PART of the DID person, and that just makes for all kinds of struggle and difficulty, and usually eventually the relationship itself ends up in trauma and broken in the end. :(

And I know I post this a lot around here, but oh dear, to love ALL of him, to HAVE "all of him" inside OUR relationship .. it was SO worth the wait. :) :inlove:

~WU

 

[pixel]

I desperately want it to be more understood/accepted.

Having said that, its a disorder of hiddeness. Lived with this for pretty much my whole life — had no idea — only found out this year. It was hidden from me. I was so relieved at diagnosis that there is such a thing that describes my confusion.
Now i want more awareness because having people see my 'mood swings' and be able to hold very different conversations with me, is confusing to them (the outside people).

We hate answering to a name that is not ours, depending on who is out. It would be great to have people at least get to know our main ANP's. We would like to make friends individually, not covering up and pretending to be one sole identity.

 

[Sideways]

Don't. Pretty much all of my alters would say the same thing - don't ask!!!

Something other than "Do you have DID?" Maybe. Like "I seem to be speaking to angry/party/vulnerable you today...". But straight up, "Do you have DID?"

If the answer is yes: the alter you're speaking to needs to be aware for it to be a safe question and not set off a massive unstable alter turf-war. Could be terrifying if the alter is unaware. Could be that they do, but haven't got to the point of diagnosis, treatment or management. Could be they have a very trusted pdoc who doesn't believe in DID and that makes it a reeeeally sensitive subject. Could be they think it's none of your beeswax and would've told you if they were comfortable telling you.

And if they don't have DID, wow would that ever make things awkward!

If it's impacting the relationship, deal with the way it's impacting the relationship. "Hey friend, you seem to be in a goof headspace today, but last time Insaw you, you were dressed like Alice In Wonderland and seemed a bit confused about the fact that you were 45 years old...Are you under a lot of stress?" Or "You don't remember when we caught up last Thursday? We had coffee for an hour - is there something going on you want to talk about?"

 

[EveHarrington]

If she doesn't know, you could literally be throwing her into hell, where one thing leads to another and she ends up dead, in jail, or sectioned. Maybe I'm sounding dramatic, but I'm not.