Relationship How to be his "safe person"?

[Devoted2EV]

If a friend or partner suspected I had a specific mental health disorder and said they had been reading up on it to understand the relationship,. I’d feel bad. Overly pathologized. I’d dunno how he’d take it but that’s what it would be like for me, especially if I was already really shit down and not trying to figure it out myself.

I completely overlooked that notion... thank you for telling me this. I never intended to make it as though I was going to "fix him" or doctor his condition. I guess I wanted to better educate myself but perhaps I should have kept this to myself instead of telling him (I ended up telling him since I tell him every little thing that I'm doing or thinking).

When I told him, he responded dryly and rather coldly. He told me that he needed me to stop and that I need to focus on myself and that what I was doing wasn't about exploring myself. He was pushing me away. He apologized today since he noticed that it hurt me and just told me that he didn't need me to help him or do anything for him. I never meant to make him feel deficient. I guess I was overly zealous in wanting to share and motivate one another.

 

[Buttercup]

I guess I was overly zealous in wanting to share and motivate one another.

Lesson learned. Don't beat yourself up over it. You can show him you learned the lesson and are doing what he suggested. Which is a good suggestion, I might add. You can continue to read and research on your own.

 

[Justmehere]

You meant no harm but to help.

Part of being a supporter to anyone with a mental illness is not just to dive into their struggle but to recognize your own.

When I told him, he responded dryly and rather coldly. He told me that he needed me to stop and that I need to focus on myself and that what I was doing wasn't about exploring myself.

He’s got a good suggestion.

For example:

(I ended up telling him since I tell him every little thing that I'm doing or thinking).

This might be a little enmeshed. You and him might be caught in a cycle where you want to pull in closer and the more you do, he runs away. I could also be totally off on this, but this actually happens for a lot of couples.

This might be a place to work on finding a more middle ground balance.

And it’s totally ok to keep reading up about PTSD and how to be a safe person - but instead of focusing on fixing him, try reading it with a focus of knowing you can’t fix him, but you can change things you do.

There can be a lot of trial and error in relationships. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s great you want to help and learn. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

First off, I think it’s great you are learning about PTSD.

But, you don’t know if he has it or...

I find this to be manipulative.

My point is that if you don’t have core traits of being a good person, ie you naturally don’t lie, then you won’t ever be safe to me.

Teaching someone how to be safe is like teaching someone how to manipulate me into trusting them. This is a no-go for me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My point is that if you don’t have core traits of being a good person, ie you naturally don’t lie, then you won’t ever be safe to me

Being a "good person" and being a "safe" person, for me, is completely different and "good" people (loads of "good" people) feel very unsafe for me. Not everyone is the same but that's me. Actually, for me, if you are too good of a person you will feel unsafe to me automaticlly. I think everyone has different qualities in a person to deem them "safe". For you it is to be a morally good person and not try to manipulate you (or seem like they are?). But for me it's different. For him, different again.

With that said, I don't think one can learn how to be someone's "safe person" without knowing how they define a "safe person" first.

 

[Devoted2EV]

With that said, I don't think one can learn how to be someone's "safe person" without knowing how they define a "safe person" first.

I completely agree, since I would think that the definition of a "safe person" would be varied depending on what a sufferer thinks and deems "safe" respectively.
I can see how someone who seems to have everything going for them or who seems "good" and "positive" could come off as being unsafe since many sufferers experienced trauma at the hands of somebody that was intrinsically supposed to protect or care for them. Whether they are a friend or relative, it's like their title would ward off anything "bad" from ever happening to you. Yet unfortunately, we all know that this kind of entitlement doesn't fully protect us.
According to my SO, everyone is in a gray area for him. As heartbreaking as that is to hear from him, I'm sure it's more gut-wrenching for him to feel that he HAS to create a moat around himself as a means to protect himself.

@EveHarrington For me to learn about the qualities of a safe person and what it means to be a safe person in literature, doesn't mean that it's an answer or a Godsend for me so that I can emulate whatever I find in my readings. I'm that sense, I could see why you'd find that manipulative because it's like putting on an act that may one day come to the end since the curtains can be drawn at any given moment. But my intention isn't to read literature on PTSD and use it as a personal handbook or refer to it as a "how-to". I'm simply trying to educate myself on it since I would consider myself ignorant on the subject. That's all.

It's like learning about anything really. He enjoys basketball for example. I don't. I can't stand sports and would rather play than waste my time watching it on a television screen. But I try to occasionally learn more about his favorite players or follow what happened in the game that night just so that I could try to bond with him. Even though I initially could care less about it when I first started learning more about it, I wasn't about to jump the bandwagon and pretend to know stats on the games for example, or paint my face with team colors lol. Eventually, I actually began to enjoy watching some segments on ESPN or listening to him tell me about this player or that. Why? Because it's HIM. That's what he loves.
With PTSD, I refrain from labeling him as a sufferer because I don't want him to limit himself with a label or condition BUT having PTSD is a part of him somehow, so I want to learn because I love learning about him.

 

[Devoted2EV]

And it’s totally ok to keep reading up about PTSD and how to be a safe person - but instead of focusing on fixing him, try reading it with a focus of knowing you can’t fix him, but you can change things you do.

I love this suggestion, thank you. I never meant to "fix" him but I thought that I could help. I'm learning though that pushing help on someone that hasn't asked for it is not an appropriate approach and that it can push him away instead...I remember that I used to bulldoze my way through by wanting to "help" with everything. I'd make him food (he loves to try new foods), I'd sometimes surprise him with gifts that had either sentimental value or that would benefit him somehow to make his life easier.
I'd compliment him constantly and praise him... this completely freaked him out in the beginning, and so he'd pull away from me. I'd ask him to tell me what I was doing wrong but he couldn't explain it...he just would say that he has low confidence and doesn't take these nice gestures very well.
Naturally, when he told me that, I'd be ten times more affectionate lol. I wanted him to see what I'd see and I really thought that nurturing him with more love and compassion would make him see differently. Now that I'm understanding PTSD better, I'm getting the explanations that I've wanted to know for years...he couldn't express his thoughts into words because there is a trail of shame that instantly clouds him and now I know that because of his trauma, he simply cannot vocalize how he feels or thinks. He's not intentionally withholding his thoughts from me (like I used to accuse him of or suspect). He just cannot say it.. so I'm learning that words are not everything, and that through action and meaning what I say as someone mentioned above, will help me better understand his needs and pace so that he can feel safer with me.

I'm also learning more about myself and what I can do to better my approach, not just with him, but with anyone. It's teaching me about being mindful.

 

[Devoted2EV]

I have a story of my own that has caused multiple problems in my life, specifically with maintaining a romantic relationship with a partner. I'm not going to get into details, but in short, I was molested by two men when I was 6 years old.
I come from a cultural background where any talk surrounding the subject of sex is taboo and shamed. For much of my youth, i buried what had happened to me. I told my mother when I was about 10, and she slapped me and accused me of watching an x-rated movie because of the detail that I went into about my incident. After that, I decided to not ever tell anyone since I was afraid that they'd think I was lying or exaggerating or "bad".
He is the only one that knows...and the way that I told him was completely unexpected. We were working night shift together and I noticed he seemed very off that night. He was avoiding eye contact with me, he only told me orders of what he wanted me to do as he was my manager, and although he seemed troubled, he seemed heavily emotional that evening. I quietly started stocking some product after the store closed, and he came to me after closing the registers with swollen eyes, breathing erratically, and shaken.
We were not together as this was the beginning but it was obvious that we both felt that there was something deeply special about one another. And he just said, "Can you.. can you hold my hand?"
I held his hand and he started to cry. He started telling me about he and his sister, about how they were molested; he told me a little about his mother and how she chose men over her kids and how he took care of her and his sister. Much of what he was saying didn't connect fluidly... I was getting increments of this incident and that on a zig-zagged timeline of his life.

I held his hand and when he got quiet he had this glazed look on his face and looked scared at what he had done and sharply pulled his hand out of mine. It looked like a nervous breakdown, much like what I had when I was in my teens, and I told him that I too had been molested and that nothing is his fault. I know that it's very cliche to say that but I was shell shocked and my own trauma started coming back. He just started to hug me and squeeze me tightly and kept apologizing..I didn't take it romantically. I took it as him looking at me at that moment as if I was his sister and as though he was apologizing to his sister.

It's like we bonded through our traumas... it turned romantic months later. I'll never forget that moment between us though. It's haunting. I don't bring it up as it may trigger something in him.

 

[Devoted2EV]

@Justmehere Im sorry, I don't understand how to quote certain texts at times, but the other you say you mentioned in one of your posts that me telling my boyfriend about every part of my day or thought was a little "enmeshed". I never heard that term before and ignored it but yesterday, I had randomly come across a psychology article that talked about relational enmeshment...

Were you trying to say that I'm enmeshed with him? I thought about how enmeshment relates to me, and I could say that I am somehow enmeshed with my parents who have always been controlling and emotionally rely on me since I was 9 years old.

In some ways, I know that me and my lover have some unhealthy traits about our relationship. Every year, we discuss severing ties, not because of any disputes or because we are not compatible but because of this fear that he has of sabotaging what he has. He'd rather end it prematurely than to move forward where our relationship will get deeper.
When I say I share everything about my day and how I feel with him, most topics are completely irrelevant to him. I just love conversing with him and I love hearing his opinions or when he reciprocates with a thought.
When we go through rough patches where he withdraws from me, he sometimes makes me feel like I'm a bad addiction. He'll say that him leaving has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but think that it does.... yet months later, he always comes back to me, telling me how much he's missed me and how much he values me..how he has nobody else.
I have nobody else that I feel this deeply connected with either but I try not to express that to him because I don't think it's fair since that would be a lot of pressure for him to uphold to. At the times that he withdraws, I admittedly go into panic-mode and I come off as clingy and desperate. I'd always wish him well with his final decisions and wouldn't beg for him to keep me, but inside of me, it tears me apart and I fall into a sadness that is difficult to break throughout the months ahead when these cycles happen.

Based on what I told you, do we both suffer from the pangs of enmeshment? And is enmeshment common for sufferers? After reading a little on enmeshment, I feel toxic to him...many thoughts are running through my mind, wondering if I contribute to any triggers that he has and if he really loves me at all...maybe I'm a bad habit for him and not a relief at all.