How To Be More Intimate With My Boyfriend

[Peaches16]

Hi, i suffer with PTSD from a domestic violence relationship 8 years ago. I am now in a new relationship, the first I have been in since then. I didn't realise I had PTSD until I started this relationship which triggered a number of symptoms. For the last 6 months I have been having really bad panic attacks and nightmares. The slightest thing he does will remind me of the previous abusive relationship. I constantly find myself over analysing his actions and worrying if he is the same. I have times I feel sad or angry for no reason. I really struggle to be intimate and show affection, and I feel like I am forever looking for a reason to end things. Which has caused a number of arguments over the few months. After reaching breaking point we decided we both love each other and working together to get through this is what we want. He has now read a number of information online about PTSD, and is now fully aware of my behaviour and symptoms and fully supports me. It's still really hard and we have days we're I stay in bed all day upset but hopefully making slow progress. Does anyone have any advice in how I can become more intimate with him? And build trust up.

 

[Tinyflame]

Statistically, if you didn't heal from the other he might be the same. Hard to seperate worry from factual gut mistrust. i think recognizing triggers is huge, realize what they are & what they do/ don't infer.

Good luck. :hug:

 

[Kolten]

This is a difficult One but seems to be somewhat of a hot point in most relationships. Sometimes the sufferer possibly due to the type of trauma has no desire for anyone to become that close to them because of fear of many things. I'm not an expert but my best advice is good solid open communication about how u are feeling is key. That helps with trust. I think I work into the rest with time and help of a therapist. I would definitely bring this up to my therapist as they will have all kinds of ways to help u reach ur goals there but again good communication is key. I wish u the best of luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

Re-reading , your ex wouldn't have done all that, tht =not the same.

 

[desiderata310]

:O_o:
Therapy?
No, seriously. You're in a much better place than I but something tells me that you would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist who can help you navigate some of these triggers that you're dealing with so that you can proceed to have a healthy relationship with this person.

 

[Peaches16]

I have started emdr treatment with a therapist 3 weeks ago. And will continue to tap into to memories from the trauma over the next 3 months. It's hard and days I really struggle to separate what's real and what's flashbacks but hopefully I'm taking small steps to recovery. Communication helps so much for relationships but pushing myself to tell people about my feelings isn't always so easy. This is an area I need work on.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

The only way that I know, and the way that has helped me, is to give yourself the room that you need, the time that you need, and the honesty that you need. Don't rush because you want to be over it. It only creates insecurity and triggers.

When my goal was to be sexually intimate, or to just show affection, I could not see my real need. In fact, I walked all over my real needs. Sex isn't the goal. Understanding that there is such thing as a physical expression of love is what I needed to see. I did not understand this difference. I didn't understand love and how, in adults who are committed to each other, this love does express sexually. This is not the same thing as just having sex.

I need to give myself the time to see my husband's patience while I healed, and to see his commitment while he waited, and to see his decision to put my needs before his over and over again before I could understand love, and understand the difference between sexual intimacy (or even just touching with affection) that is the out pouring of love, and sex that is about self-gratification, or selfishness.

Until I experienced this change any kind of closeness was wrought with suspicion for me, and came with the expectation of being hurt and used for someone else's gain. It took alot of time to trust. And my husband had to show himself a man of super human self control and self denial. This change has just happened only two weeks ago. But it is phenomenal, and well worth the wait and the honesty it took. And it has remained. It doesn't come and go with my feelings. It has remained.

To sum it up: be really honest about your experience now. Don't try to be someone you're not, but wish you were. Don't push yourself to be healed. Don't ignore the triggers and push them aside. Be honest. Talk about it. You're significant other will be tested. But he has the opportunity to help you in a way that no other has. He has the opportunity to respect you and give you the experience of love through his patience, commitment, self control, and self denial.

I really hope things go well for you. I've only shared what I've found out for myself. It's not the only way I'm sure, just the way it has been for me.

One other thing. My husband and I both love Jesus. We are committed Christians and this had been the glue that has strengthened us through the hard times. Jesus Christ has been the source of my husband patience and understanding, and of my being able to heal and grow. He says, He will lead the blind by a way that they know not and will make the darkness light (Isaiah 42:16). He has done this. I have proved Him and He is true to His word. I have been led through a way which I knew not (healing), and where darkness once was the most beautiful light has risen.

I have tried therapy, but because I live in a rural area, I've found that it is just not practical. I drove two hours to my second appointment to find that my counselor cancelled. So, four hours of driving for a cancelled appointment led me to leave the idea behind. God and Christ have been my/our sufficiency.