General How to be supportive in a way the counts

[Hopefulspouse]

I’ve been married for a long time. My partner has CPTSD from childhood trauma.
I can give a book about our history of background, but in an effort to keep this brief, I just have one question. Has anyone successfully been able to support their partner and have their partner feel supported by them?

I feel like I do things to be supportive and ask questions in an effort to be open and allow them to talk if they would like. Our conversations always end with you don’t see me I know he is incredibly lonely. I just want to be supportive in a way that matters to him but I am at a loss.

 

[seshprinny]

Wow that is so helpful. I grew up in a very emotionally disconnected family. I’m very uncomfortable with negative emotions and I have begun the work to sit with his trauma and my own. You are right my instinct is to try to fix it.
I have a lot of work to do in this area. Thank you for spelling it out so simply.

Thrilled I could offer some useful insight. I struggle with sitting with negative emotions too, it's an automatic reaction to move away from them. Best of luck

 

[Sweetpea76]

I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong because my love isn’t enough to help.

Girl, that only happens in fairy tales. Mental illness is very much a reality, and PTSD is not romantic in the least little bit. These relationships are work.

 

[Friday]

I keep rereading your response, sweet pea. I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong because my love isn’t enough to help. I keep putting the blame on myself for why he’s unhappy or distracted.

Is your love enough to cure diabetes? Someome can eat all the cake they wants because your love will keep their blood sugar in normal levels?



If so, there’s some medical research facilities you should be on the run from, so quit typing and get the f*ck out fast! Go-go-go!!!

But if not? And you’re like the rest of us? Your love can’t heal ANY medical problem. Including PTSD.

 

[Tinyflame]

I kind of have a different take on this just for me, personally: I take no offence if someone tries to help solve a pblm, because if I could I would, and even voicing how I feel feels like whining. (And am used to not having much resources). I appreciate the presence and care if nothing can be done, but I'd hope to have a way or ideas to solve or change it if there is.

But I am also thinking, maybe ask him what support would look like to him?

I know when I try to support and hear that, it is very difficult. Just as equally however, I have always wondered.. everyone needs support, so what about (yours), or how you feel? And similarly, it actually isn't anyone's requirement to exist just to support them, and not be a partnership. BUt also, what am I doing/ thinking? Can I see it from the other's perspective?

Of course when you love him you want him to be safe and happy. The older I get however I see that a lot of things, like trust, are up to me. I am also responsible to not take it out on someone else, or to apologize when I'm wrong. Otherwise it becomes (my) self-justification and selfishness.

Welcome to you. You have been married a long time, hopefully you can both overcome this. Is he just starting therapy? Maybe it's too much too quickly, or feels otherwise overwhelming for him? (If he is suicidal it sounds he needs help for that first).

 

[Friday]

I think everyone is different and will need unique things to feel heard and validated.

Yep!

If someone did the things you like best in a relationship to me? Best case scenario: We’d break up on the spot. Worst case, violence would ensue, first. Then we’d break up.

PTSD, sooooo many similarities, and so many differences!

 

[Freida]

From the sufferer side...

Maybe I am hanging onto the fact that if I could just do something different that I could help him and his pain would be gone and this life would be a little bit better. It’s pretty self-centered of me.

I don't think this is self centered at all. You want to help, but don't know how, because his issues are affecting YOUR life too. Sometimes we forget that our loved ones fight this battle with us, not against us

Being the designated asshole is no fun.

ya - hubby gets a ton of fallout because he is "safe." He knows what I'm fighting more than anyone else in my life, so I tend to be harsher with him than with others in my life. Then I have to stop and remember - ptsd doesn't make him my personal pinata.

He doesn’t believe them about himself and therefore I’m an idiot if I believe them.

ya --- this makes me cringe because yep. I think the same thing about those around me too. It's all over the sufferer side of the forum -- the question of how our supporters can think we are better than we are.

It just seems wrong to leave someone alone who is hurting and actively says that they are lonely. This disease is backwards and I constantly feel like I am going to in circles.

yep.
I take off because if I don't I'm going to end up saying or doing something that I can't fix later. And before you say "but I will forgive him" that's not the point. The point is that I will know what I did and that will just reinforce the idea that I'm a monster. So it's easier, and safer, to get some distance.