how to break out of avoidance

[joeylittle]

What are some of the CD's that were underlying your procrastination?

Well, definitely this one:

First thought: I delay because I think I'll fail and the thought of failing brings up deep shame

I believe that ultimately I'm not capable of succeeding. That I'm somehow hard-wired to fail. This is a major negative core belief for me, and the feelings it brings up are terror, shame, and grief.

I also have a distorted thought that I've never worked to accomplish anything. I can't seem to accept that there's such a thing as a process: steps along the way that lead to accomplishing a thing. I believe that how it works for me is, any task is "not-done" until it "is done". The space in-between - the thing that people call 'process' - is all part of the "not-done" phase. I tend to think that people who talk about 'making progress' are just either not seeing the big picture, or are in denial of the fact that it's not done until it's done. That leads to another major fear, which is that I will be observably wrong - that I'll be one of those people who stupidly calls something 'process' when it's actually just 'not-done', and others will judge and ridicule me for it. And that goes back to the shame and terror around failing.

This is an ongoing thing, I have to challenge it constantly. Intellectually, I can see how it's a massive distortion - but it's so embedded into my world view that I find it very hard to shift the thought.

All this kind of swirls together to become: "I don't know how to start tackling/working on [X], because I only ever get anything done by accident, not on purpose. And once I start, I will never be able to stop - it won't ever get to 'done', because I am doomed to fail."

My default throughout life has been to use other people's needs to set my own deadlines. Then, my fear of failing them/failing to meet their terms can become bigger than my own fear of failure - or, rather, it creates a kind of 'damned if I do and damned if I don't situation, but failing to meet the other person's needs has all the shame/terror of my own failure, plus the terror/shame of their judgement and ridicule being levied against me.

So: it's under the weight of all that shame and terror that I will finally 'start' a thing.

The way I seem to work on this is by prescribing a different course of action for myself, with different thoughts, and a lot of distress tolerance, and working hard to stay present to/be mindful of doing 'progress' actions instead of 'done/not-done'. It hasn't become intuitive yet. I still perceive all of it as living inside someone else's way of thinking. In CBT terms, I'm practicing the balanced thought, but I believe it only around 10%, these days.

It's worse when my depression is bad, like it is now.

I wrote this and an accompanying piece over a year ago - it seems possibly relevant to this thread.
Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

 

[NatBird]

Well, definitely this one:

I believe that ultimately I'm not capable of succeeding. That I'm somehow hard-wired to fail. This is a major negative core belief for me, and the feelings it brings up are terror, shame, and grief.

I also have a distorted thought that I've never worked to accomplish anything. I can't seem to accept that there's such a thing as a process: steps along the way that lead to accomplishing a thing. I believe that how it works for me is, any task is "not-done" until it "is done". The space in-between - the thing that people call 'process' - is all part of the "not-done" phase. I tend to think that people who talk about 'making progress' are just either not seeing the big picture, or are in denial of the fact that it's not done until it's done. That leads to another major fear, which is that I will be observably wrong - that I'll be one of those people who stupidly calls something 'process' when it's actually just 'not-done', and others will judge and ridicule me for it. And that goes back to the shame and terror around failing.

This is an ongoing thing, I have to challenge it constantly. Intellectually, I can see how it's a massive distortion - but it's so embedded into my world view that I find it very hard to shift the thought.

All this kind of swirls together to become: "I don't know how to start tackling/working on [X], because I only ever get anything done by accident, not on purpose. And once I start, I will never be able to stop - it won't ever get to 'done', because I am doomed to fail."

My default throughout life has been to use other people's needs to set my own deadlines. Then, my fear of failing them/failing to meet their terms can become bigger than my own fear of failure - or, rather, it creates a kind of 'damned if I do and damned if I don't situation, but failing to meet the other person's needs has all the shame/terror of my own failure, plus the terror/shame of their judgement and ridicule being levied against me.

So: it's under the weight of all that shame and terror that I will finally 'start' a thing.

The way I seem to work on this is by prescribing a different course of action for myself, with different thoughts, and a lot of distress tolerance, and working hard to stay present to/be mindful of doing 'progress' actions instead of 'done/not-done'. It hasn't become intuitive yet. I still perceive all of it as living inside someone else's way of thinking. In CBT terms, I'm practicing the balanced thought, but I believe it only around 10%, these days.

It's worse when my depression is bad, like it is now.

I wrote this and an accompanying piece over a year ago - it seems possibly relevant to this thread.
Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

"I believe that how it works for me is, any task is "not-done" until it "is done". The space in-between - the thing that people call 'process' - is all part of the "not-done" phase."

@joeylittle
Yes yes yes. I didn't learn how to do things in stages or people made mistakes and could learn from them. The message wad you showed up already able to do the thing or not at all: perfection.

I also find it hard to take an incremental approach

This week with the help of a support worker I have created a schedule that helps me to chip away each day at long term tasks. It's working and I feel a small sense of achievement knowing that I have worked a bit on a goal each day. Much preferred to being in avoidance/exhuastiom or exertion/obsession

I'm sorry hear hear the depression is bad. Sending support and hoping you have what you need to ride this wave

And thanks for the link to the article

 

[Ajtalex011235]

Well, definitely this one:

I believe that ultimately I'm not capable of succeeding. That I'm somehow hard-wired to fail. This is a major negative core belief for me, and the feelings it brings up are terror, shame, and grief.

I also have a distorted thought that I've never worked to accomplish anything. I can't seem to accept that there's such a thing as a process: steps along the way that lead to accomplishing a thing. I believe that how it works for me is, any task is "not-done" until it "is done". The space in-between - the thing that people call 'process' - is all part of the "not-done" phase. I tend to think that people who talk about 'making progress' are just either not seeing the big picture, or are in denial of the fact that it's not done until it's done. That leads to another major fear, which is that I will be observably wrong - that I'll be one of those people who stupidly calls something 'process' when it's actually just 'not-done', and others will judge and ridicule me for it. And that goes back to the shame and terror around failing.

This is an ongoing thing, I have to challenge it constantly. Intellectually, I can see how it's a massive distortion - but it's so embedded into my world view that I find it very hard to shift the thought.

All this kind of swirls together to become: "I don't know how to start tackling/working on [X], because I only ever get anything done by accident, not on purpose. And once I start, I will never be able to stop - it won't ever get to 'done', because I am doomed to fail."

My default throughout life has been to use other people's needs to set my own deadlines. Then, my fear of failing them/failing to meet their terms can become bigger than my own fear of failure - or, rather, it creates a kind of 'damned if I do and damned if I don't situation, but failing to meet the other person's needs has all the shame/terror of my own failure, plus the terror/shame of their judgement and ridicule being levied against me.

So: it's under the weight of all that shame and terror that I will finally 'start' a thing.

The way I seem to work on this is by prescribing a different course of action for myself, with different thoughts, and a lot of distress tolerance, and working hard to stay present to/be mindful of doing 'progress' actions instead of 'done/not-done'. It hasn't become intuitive yet. I still perceive all of it as living inside someone else's way of thinking. In CBT terms, I'm practicing the balanced thought, but I believe it only around 10%, these days.

It's worse when my depression is bad, like it is now.

I wrote this and an accompanying piece over a year ago - it seems possibly relevant to this thread.
Solving the problem: reframing negative thoughts

I totally agree. Whenever I start something, I can’t stop. Whatever it is I am interested in, I do to the extreme. It’s all or nothing to me. I am trying to improve this aspect, but doing multiple things in moderation feels dull to me. I have noticed that I seek novelty. I always felt that any happiness I had was always overshadowed by overwhelming darkness as if something was missing in my life. I had an ex-girlfriend day to me: why won’t you let yourself be happy? At the time, I did not think much of this, but now it became clear how trauma has tormented me throughout my life. I am learning so much about myself, which is helping me take steps to improve my life.

 

[Starfish]

None of this makes sense

Oh yes it does. All you described are symptoms of c-ptsd. You are at the right place here!

So then I am stuck in limbo. Somehow the part of me suffering needs to find the courage to talk but she s just too scared :(

@wishforescape, my experience around speaking to a therapist has been a gradual trust. For quite a few years I did not have the cognitive awareness/language nor trust to speak to a therapist about all that I was experiencing except some of my symptoms, which allowed me to get some meds. I now have so many words for my therapist. Somehow as I kept on keeping on and through time have come to realize the many who experience parallel symptoms (this site has helped immensely).... I have come to realize it is not me making this sh... up but rather me, being traumatized.......otherwise I would not have these symptoms/experiences. Gradually getting the ability to separate this is not who I am but rather a condition I am experiencing (like diabetes). This is not me! Slowly, things are coming together bit by bit, day by day........

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you so much @crushed. I am happy that you have finally found the words in therapy and can finally talk about your experience as much as it sucks.
Thank you for the validation. I feel bad that other people go through the same as me but at the same time I feel grateful to meet other people like me so I feel a little less crazy. I guess I have moved from total denial to wanting to maybe talk about my symptoms in therapy. But there’s still this huge wall between wanting to and being able to while in the therapists office. I am not that close, as much as sometimes I want to just blurt it all out in one session and get it done with!
But I guess when I first started getting these symptoms I was in complete denial. I would not even admit that I had anyway symptoms. I would flat out deny them. So I guess it’s progress?
I guess avoidance is one of those pesky less talked about symptoms.
Good luck in your healing journey.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am starting to wonder if a lot of my problems are caused because of avoidance?
I didn't realize that that's what I have been doing.
I can never admit to a therapist the full range of my symptoms. What I go through day after day. How bad my dissociation and body memories get. The most I have shared I think is by writing in this forum. The thing is once I come out of these episodes, I tell myself I am fine, I made it up, there's no need to talk about it, I am being dramatic.... etc. And yet something seems to be missing. I spend most of my days fighting off this illness, yet I am unable to talk about it to anyone. The most I have said is I have body memories, I have flashbacks, but never ever what actually happens. Where is hurts, what I hear in my head, all the sexual things I relive over and over, how I suck my thumb and cry when it's all over. And yet, I get frustrated after, I tell myself, you see the therapist agrees nothing is wrong with you, he hasn't even really even tried to even talk about your dissociative episodes, it's because he doesn't think they are true....etc etc. Yet, I am too scared to talk about all of these, I am scared to even go see a trauma therapist. I want the validation of how much things hurt and suck and yet at the same time I fear things coming too true, if I talk to someone about it. I feel like I would probably just laugh it off if someone even as much as mentioned the word trauma... like I am being manipulative. Like I can control these things by not talking about them. That by talking about them I am making them real, and the simpliest way for them to not exist and to not have trauma is to not talk about it. Control it, ignore it, avoid it. But there's also this huge fear, fear that a therapist might say, that's nothing, you're imagining it, that doesn't seem like trauma, you're acting, it's not that bad.... I doubt they would say that, but I am so scared that even if there's a 0.0001% chance, it's not worth taking. If someone told me it was all in my head, I think I might collapse, I guess it's kind of important for some part of me to hold on to the truth, even if it stay secret.
None of this makes sense, except that maybe it's a symptom, avoidance... noone really knows....
How to break out of denial and avoidance and admit to yourself and to someone else that what you are dealing with is trauma and everything you have to go through and keep secret is literally f****d up? Makes me want to cry for myself how much I suffer in silence and yet cannot break out of it..

@wishforescape Yes you can break out of it....stay strong and determined.....be consistent...make your own plan and write it down, journal daily-get it out as my T would say, paint, get your meditation, and all the things you know to do. I suffer in silence too, but coming here has been helpful....as was therapy and slowly I'm feeling better.....and I will stop working so hard when I begin to feel contentment on the rise.
Good luck and stay strong.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you @TruthSeeker . Baby steps I guess. I have worked a lot on my depression, coping skills, taking care of myself skills etc and I guess it helps to then even think about dealing with what feels like a huge mountain.
I guess at least I am admitting to myself that I have these symptoms even though I am still avoiding talking about them. At least the will to do so is there. Four years ago I would have flat out denied I have these symptoms.
Coming here and posting makes me feel a little less alone and less crazy.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I'm glad you are here.....when I was advised to check this forum out by my T.....I didn't belong here.......because my denial was strongly protective. More recently I've come to realize I do belong here.....and it is here I don't define myself as crazy -my abusers were the crazy ones......the people who intentionally hurt you....they are the crazy ones, too!

 

[mylunareclipse]

Thank you for your validation. I am glad your T guided you to this site! I still do so sneakily...too ashamed to admit to anyone

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thank you for your validation. I am glad your T guided you to this site! I still do so sneakily...too ashamed to admit to anyone

Stick around, maybe acceptance will rub off (LOL) I personally had to come and go...change names every so often, change icons,.....took me a long time....and I have really only my T to thank for getting me here in the first place. Good luck!

 

[earp]

I haven't let the house since March but I have avoided "life" for nearly 3 years, I use the garden but come inside if I hear a helicopter or my asshat of a neighbour is out. I do not go to CMHT appointments now, the anxiety last time caused my eyes to keep shutting/blinking. I feel safer in my bedroom and spend 99% of my time here, mostly with my dog. I am 38 and only able to hide because I am back living with my mum. I don't feel like life is passing me by and I see no incentive to go outside. I cannot stand the noise, I live in a village but it is still very noisy.

 

[Davide]

I am exactly at that point in my life, where i kinda feel safe about myself but not enough to really live as I wish and do the things I fought for. Avoidance and dissociation are so pervasive sometimes. I am thinkking about opening up on a serie of obstacles I currently have to my therapist, like you. Just to finally be completely emotionally open. I even lied tovhim on a number of things in the past years to present myself in a safer way. I understand your burdain: it is heavy and tiring.
Bit all' of us are extremely courageus and valuable people and just know all' the struggles that we have been throug to arrive were we are. I started remember something about my stories just some years ago, and I was completely broken at first. Bug now I am starting to understand what it is like to live and deserve all' the love and recognition of others. I always keep that in my mind, and I train fiercely: I deserve joy, and I want to find it for me. So i am asking myself: that do i need to feel better? Does this person gives me human closeness, support, respect? Indipendently of what he or she knows about my internal life?

I guess what is helping me is that I am starting to understand that I am the mpst importanti pardon of my life, and that I am valuable and deserving, no matter what. This diminishes my terror.