How To Confide In A Partner About Ptsd

[charabanc]

I debated whether or not to post this in the therapy forum, but this seems a more appropriate place for what I'm trying to ask.

I'm a young professional with a good, salaried job, a masters degree, am planning on going back to school for my PhD next year. I support myself and have an active enough social life, and I know how to be comfortably open with my friends about my PTSD and history of abuse in a way that makes me feel advocated for but still psychologically safe. I say all this to convey that I currently coping in ways that I feel are adaptive and productive, that I feel like a capable human being most of the time, but as soon as I get in a romantic relationship and I share the story of my trauma, I turn back into the fifteen-year-old I was when I was first abused--I'm meek, afraid, desperate for approval, and I lose sight of my sense of self and system of beliefs.

In the past, I've been open with romantic partners, maybe even too open, and that has almost always resulted in the partner trying either to "fix" me (my last boyfriend tried to take on a therapist role and forced me to recount in detail the entire history of my abuse, which of course severely retraumatized me) or they suggest that I just need to get over it.

At this point, I've pretty staunchly decided that I'm not going to tell any man anything about me, ever, though I know that's not realistic for the long haul. This is something I'm of course working on in therapy, but I was curious if others had similar obstacles with romantic relationships and how you dealt (or are still dealing) with it? I apologize if this reads as unclear or convoluted at all--I'm having one of those disconnected days where it's hard to focus.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm single as well, with difficulties in relationships. In the past I have been too open with guys, and sometimes it goes ok, sometimes not. I am on disability and as such it's evident that SOMETHING is going on as I don't have a physical disability as well, so I don't have the option of just hiding it all away. I'm trying to find my happy medium. I'll let you know how it goes after the next guy enters my life ;-)

The one good thing about disclosure is that people's reactions can give you a good idea of what kind of person they are. The "get over it" guys really aren't likely to change, as it's a reflection of their overall empathy level, and thus they're not keepers (for me, anyway).

And the guy who wanted the gory details? I'd put him in the sicko category. You're better off without him!

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi charablanc, well it is actually possible not to divulge it at all, though not to hide the symptoms.

I had to wonder what you meant, when you said you were 'forced' to divulge all the details? One is (or at least never *should* be) forced to divulge anything, nor disclose.

 

[charabanc]

I was definitely forced to tell him--it was a really unfortunate situation where he wouldn't let me say no, that I didn't want to talk about it, kept saying things to me like, "You can tell me, but you just won't. You are keeping this from me. You care more about what happened to you than you care about me." Ended up holding me down and made me go through the whole thing. I loved him deeply at the time and thought that it meant that he cared, but now I see how horrible it was and that it's not something I'll tolerate in the future.

It's just so frustrating/disheartening because I've never had an understanding and supportive partner. Says more about who I choose for a partner than anything, I know, but jeez it's hard...

 

[p-no]

I loved him deeply at the time and thought that it meant that he cared, but now I see how horrible it was and that it's not something I'll tolerate in the future.

It's just so frustrating/disheartening because I've never had an understanding and supportive partner. Says more about who I choose for a partner than anything, I know, but jeez it's hard...

Exact same here, charabanc. You are not alone with this at all. Felt as if I was reading my own post, with little details different.

I so much regret sharing everything (everything!) with my now ex husband. He has no sense of confidentiality and he shared my story (oh no, not his, because that would have been embarrassing for him) happily with his affair. I will not tell anyone anymore for a long, long time. "Long time" meaning until I have known the person for years. "Known" meaning spent time alone with the person, with others and in any kind of situation life has in store. Checking up on the definitions and whether I keep my own promises regularly with my t. Period. And have made a decision too that is terribly difficult to stick to but has already proven good: Prefer no partner to a wrong partner (do it, that is!).

Sorry I have no advice. I guess I have learned my lesson well enough last time so that history for once does not have to repeat itself.

 

[p-no]

By the way, maybe a little something as advice. I actually do do something, which is set time limits (feels awkward but helps) before which time I do not tell him this or that and will choose something I want to tell him and will very consciously and later talk to t. about it. Time limits have helped a lot already: I was about to la le le la loooooo.... :whistling: trying to skip one, then didn't. Congratulations to self, by the way. Turned out it was the exact right thing to do since he did something shortly after I had wanted to say something that made me stop the getting to know each other altogether. One less running around with a secret of mine. :tup:

 

[charabanc]

Prime-no, thank you so much for the advice re: time limits! That really speaks to me--I'm very concrete, detail-oriented so tangible goals work best for me (and I suspect a lot of us share that trait). Setting those small goals for myself within the parameters of a new relationship is a great idea. Definitely going to bring it up with my T. I think it would end up help making me feel as though I have a sense of power and agency with men that has been sorely lacking for a very long time--and that's the ideal outcome, right? Thanks again!

 

[p-no]

Glad it's something that might help you! And just wanted to add that that set date actually does not mean that that day I will tell a person secret X, but it just means that certainly until that date I will not and on that date I will start considering, find out what my feelings are toward doing it, etc. It's maybe a bit like an entry in a calendar: that day you look at it and it reminds you to do something. I need that in all aspects of my life. My brain works mainly with reminders, including for example leaving a pullover lying on my bathroom floor to remind me when I come home to do the laundry before it's too late at night. That time limit thing also takes a lot of pressure off me, I must say: for a set time I need not worry about whether or not I should do this or that. I just don't do it.

I used this several times with relationships too (relationships in the general sense): I would say that if this or that doesn't change in the other person's behaviour despite talking it through etc., I would reconsider and see what I would like to do next. One time I left a partner because there was a non-negotiable for me but he had only words for me, no actions until the set time limit expired. One time, I kept a relationship of the more general kind alive because something had changed and improved. It's really like a mile stone at which you come to a halt, sit, breathe, look back, reconsider, and after a while move on.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do nor confide in anyone in my life except close family members. I have learned to be very comfortable with this. i do not have to worry about gossips. I do not have to deal with others discomfort on the subject. I feel at peace about this.

It comes from being so badly burned in confiding to people in hopes to educate them and they would understand me better. My needs. I did not know any better so I learned alot of painful and costly lessons. I speak about it rarely to my family. I like it better this way. It is a boundry that helps me to feel safe.

 

[Sheer Force of Will]

Charabanc, Thank you so much for posting this. It speaks so much to me and I am so glad to hear that there are other people, meaning I am not alone. I am still struggling with the fall out of having shared my story with my boyfriend. I don't want to set time limits, but it is nice to hear that you too, are very concrete and detail oriented. I feel so much better when I have a plan for how things are going to go.

I guess it comes from never having had control in my childhood, but I like to be able to plan for exactly what is coming (read: I want to get to be in charge of what happens to me). It is so hard to recognize that I can't expect that and that means I will get hurt a lot. I have no idea how to deal with this. Thank you for posting this, it helps me to hear other peoples ideas and feelings on this. It helps to feel not alone.

 

[Springer80]

Hi All, This is a very relevant and practical thread isn't it!! I have wrestled (to death) with some of these questions. For instance

Abuse = Can't abide secrets = hate duplicity = stress. NO. Answer must be too....
Disclose everything! = Potential total acceptance = relief/the dream = unconditional love YES (really though, what isn't he telling me) = worry = secret judgement = doubting choice = why would he want to be with me = stress too..NO...Answer is maybe....
Never say anything = all okay unless something goes wrong...(Well that's quite likely) So....
Being outed as a liar = being deceitful = a thing I hate because it make me like my abuser . NO.
Almost being against principle = being forced to live a lie = reminds me of old times.

And around we go!!!!!!!! Infinitum. I too have had some very insensitive and damaging reactions from partners. I am not in a relationsip until I can build a life for myself where I don't feel like a sqare peg in a round hole.

You now the scene at the end of ShawShank Redemption, when Morgan Freeman turns up and Tim Robbins is fixing his boat.I want that (not much I know!!), in a metaphorical sense obviously, although the bay of Mexico would be pretty nice. You know anyone!!!

PS. My friend and I used to joke that the second wave feminists of the 70's should set up a dating website offering there sons up to start a new generation! ;)

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes Springer80 that's the cycle I feel. But I will always be a square peg in a round hole. Or from a different planet.