How To Cultivate A Friends With Benefits

[Candleflames]

It's a rare find when someone can keep up with me too. I've been married for 17 years and he gets worn out at times. Luckily we understand each other's needs and can meet them respectfully. It can be done.

 

[maryiscontrary]

You know, I really admire what you have pulled off. I am going out of country for a month, and when I get back, I will try to get something set up. I have never really been with a man that would really let me explore, save my first ex. I am in all the social cool stuff and have a lot of diverse friends. This is an oil patch. There are a ton of men. But even though the odds are good, the goods are kinda odd. Lots of train wrecks, it seems. And I don't care about race, education, income, or even good looks. But it seems hard, because the men are in very poor physical shape with grody teeth issues, and with jerry springer drama. Or anger issues. You know, low rent. Not good managers of their lives.

 

[Dee Morris]

I can separate sex and love but not if I love the person. Does that make sense? If I go into a relationship with someone that is a FWB relationship from the beginning, then I can separate my feelings. But if I go into the relationship without any clear boundaries about the potential for the relationship and I end up having feelings, I cannot. I have a few people I can call if I need sex but let's be honest, as a rule I can take care of myself a heck of a lot better than any man can. It's the emotional connection that I need but I need to have that emotional connection with someone that can handle my sex drive. I thought I had found that but he turned out to be a huge disappointment.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Dee, boy I can relate to a lot of what you said. I hope this does not seem like a male bashing thread. I love men! But I understand the huge disappointments. Maybe the other posters are right, maybe we are genetically poly. Prolly, beyond the skeletons in the closets, we can find our aunts, mothers, and grandmothers who were exactly the same.

 

[Dee Morris]

I'm tired of being disappointed. This last "relationship" has reinforced my belief that every single man will let me down. So I've decided to take a break from dating for a while. I can't justify continuing to set myself up for disappointment when I only seem to be meeting men who lack emotional integrity. Which means that I seem to have poor judgement in men. I can weed out the obvious "just trying to get laid" guys but apparently I'm not so good at weeding out the "wants a relationship with you and every other woman that catches my attention" guys. I especially hate when they say things that their behavior demonstrates they clearly do not mean.

Then on the other end of the spectrum, I meet guys that would be great boyfriend material but they are way too uptight sexually. I need to be able to explore and still feel safe. Which means that if I am with someone that I fear will judge me for that, I cannot enjoy the sexual experience. If I cannot enjoy the sexual experience, I cannot enjoy the relationship. What's the point otherwise? I can go to dinner and a movie with my friends and be free to explore a relationship that meets ALL or at least most of my needs. I'm not interested in wasting my time on someone that refuses to engage in anything except vanilla sex.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Well, I certainly feel for you there. As I mentioned elsewhere, I have developed iron clad boundaries. This may be an overshoot, but I do not tolerate disrespect from anybody, and I do personal boundaries using non violent communication techniques. This is very important. I do not reinforce ugly behavior for one minute, where I was heavily trained as a child to be a doormat.

So I have quite a heavy burn and churn rate with all sorts relationships right now. Lots of chicken shit cowards, men and women. So few with integrity and true grit. Lots of chaf, no wheat. When I say that most people are really dysfunctional! I am not being arrogant....most people really, really are toxic, and not conducive for a life of recovery or health. It would be like a recovering alcoholic hanging out at a bar, totally toxic.

On the other hand, the friends I do have a really, really fine humans. Total gold. Maybe one day I can find a partner like that.

 

[Dee Morris]

I've been accused of having a hair trigger. Although, at this point I'm finding that I'm being a little bit aggressive in enforcing my boundaries. For example... When I tried a dating site, I was talking to someone I thought was nice. Then he comes out with "we should meet and so should our lips." I went off on him. Telling him he didn't know me to be talking to me like that... in retrospect it was a complete overreaction but that's how sensitive I am to crap like that.