How To De-compose

[Sandstone]

I spoke to my possibly ex-therapist this week , and she says part of the trouble is that I sit there looking composed and no-one notices the ghastly turmoil beneath. I think It continues into my appearance - though I no longer wear make up and don't wash as much as I should, I don't actually smell. My home looks reasonable. I loathe housework, so it was set up to need the minimum, and so long as someone does the floors once a week it will go along OK.

So how do I go about looking in need of help. A month after the overdose/car crash, no decisions have been made about any sort of care. A week ago I was handed from Crisis toCommunity, and Community haven't called me. Crisis called yesterday to say had I heard anything and was I OK. I replied I wasn't OK, she asked me about my plans for the weekend ( none), I complained a bit about being left with no plan and rang off. I took 5 Lorazepam and am still woozy this following afternoon. But who would be interested?

 

[Echo]

@stenni - I have this same problem. My therapist says she can see it, but most people won't be able to do so. Whenever I have to apply for help or attend an interview with a doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist, she advises me to ACT how I am feeling. So I put enormous efforts without being able to stop it into appearing normal, rational, eloquent, etc. as I do in a work context, and yet I have to drain my energy resources even further by acting. I don't know what PTSD looks like. My therapist says this appearance of control and composure is in itself a safety mechanism from childhood and I can't help it; it has become automatic. It took me so long to cry in front of her, and I stop almost as soon as I start.

What did help me was to have a letter from her (To whom it may concern) outlining my symptoms. Rather than deal with people face-to-face or over the phone, when I can, I send them this, and then they take it very seriously. I know it doesn't resolve immediate help when you are feeling suicidal, but it might with other things.

Please don't feel alone; we are here on the forum, at the very least, and we care. Please keep talking to us.[DOUBLEPOST=1399122147,1399122053][/DOUBLEPOST]Are the Samaritans a help?

 

[Hashi]

I took 5 Lorazepam and am still woozy this following afternoon.

stenni, I'm concerned. Please don't take any more, or anything else.

how do I go about looking in need of help

Not by taking too much medication.

It would be better to stop washing, brushing your hair or putting on clean clothes and go to your next appointment smelling.

But to be honest, I think only not-very-good therapists would be unable to see beyond the fact that you've managed to have a shower in the last week. What part of overdose/car crash did they not hear? I'm not sure there's much you can do in a situation with such a person/team.

I know that you're trying to get help from the NHS. I'm really sorry that I can't remember if there are any other possibilities for you - charities, private therapy, anything? Could you borrow money (realistically, and not loan shark) in order to have some private therapy?

 

[Sandstone]

My therapist says this appearance of control and composure is in itself a safety mechanism from childhood and I can't help it; it has become automatic.

Just what mine says - I could give you an example of being sexually assaulted in a busy place n broad daylight and no-one being aware because, as she says, we are trained from an early age to act in the acceptable way

But I can't help being aware that on the last two occasions I showed distress , the outcome was the removal of someone I trusted. I cried in front of my Psychiatrist -next appt. was cancelled and I'm told that I will be getting a new one - one day….I ran away from an opticians appt with my support worker and she vanished, never to be seen again, with no explanation

 

[Sandstone]

It took me so long to cry in front of her, and I stop almost as soon as I start.

How I recognise this. I've cried once in front of mine, and she says she has never seen anyone stop and recompose themselves so quickly.[DOUBLEPOST=1399123536,1399123438][/DOUBLEPOST]

Are the Samaritans a help?

I've never tried the Samaritans - I don't want to waste their time when there are supposed to be services dealing with me.

 

[digger]

Crisis called yesterday to say had I heard anything and was I OK. I replied I wasn't OK, she asked me about my plans for the weekend ( none), I complained a bit about being left with no plan and rang off.

By 'rang off' do you mean cut off the call before the conversation was finished? If so, perhaps you could call them back and ask for advice. If they were calling to check on you then it sounds like they haven't completely handed over your care to Community yet.[DOUBLEPOST=1399123753][/DOUBLEPOST]

I've never tried the Samaritans - I don't want to waste their time when there are supposed to be services dealing with me.

They won't view it as a,waste of time. It's what they're there for.

 

[Sandstone]

I think only not-very-good therapists would be unable to see beyond the fact that you've managed to have a shower in the last week.

But it seems I have not very good people on my case . When I said - "I've been driving under the influence of multiple sleeping pills and I don't think I'm safe " they said "You are talking to me quite coherently" and did nothing.

I can't remember if there are any other possibilities for you - charities, private therapy, anything?

. I've been seeing a private therapst, but she and I are agreed that it is too dangerous to go any further with no inpatient facility to keep me safe. She is happy to carry on by phone or email, but only to deal with the day to day struggle for treatment and to reduce risk. I can't currently travel to see her - two long exposed walks and two buses. The only charities I can find are ex-military or single trauma.

 

[Echo]

The Samaritans will not see it as a waste of time. If you are being messed around by the Crisis or Community team, then please ring them. I believe they assign someone on their team to you so that you always speak to the same person and don't keep having to retell your story or explain your state of mind.

It is so easy to fall between the cracks in the NHS provision. Don't let their lack of professionalism stop you from seeking help. It is so important that you take care of yourself.

 

[digger]

Something that I found helpful in the interim between the NHS completely taking the piss, and me being able to get it together enough to sort out private therapy for myself, was I made use of the Samaritans email service. It's not instant in the way that phoning them is, but they do get back to you within 24 hours and I was in pretty much daily contact with them for a couple of months. I found it really useful to have a place where I could just dump the crap at the end of the day so it didn't all completely overwhelm me.

 

[Sandstone]

By 'rang off' do you mean cut off the call before the conversation was finished? If so, perhaps you could call them back and ask for advice. If they were calling to check on you then it sounds like they haven't completely handed over your care to Community yet.

They were calling my husband because he had been calling Community twice a day with no response. Crisis saw the pile of messages and called him to see what he had heard. I then called them back, to find out why a service I thought I wasn't under was involved.

I rang off because I could hear the irritation and frustration in the Crisis nurse's voice as she repeated for the umpteenth time that she didn't know what had happened but a meeting was scheduled for Tuesday. That meeting has been scheduled for the 8th, 15th, 22nd 29th April and each time we've been told someone will call with the decision. Each time no-one has, and when one of the family has chased they have said a decision will be made next week.

Not by taking too much medication.

But taking enough meds to put me to sleep for 3/4 of a day has stopped me ending up in the river.

 

[Hashi]

But it seems I have not very good pepel on my case .

Yes it does. And I'm afraid I think you have to stop expecting help from them.

I've been seeing a private therapst, but she and I are agreed that it is too dangerous to go any further

I've just searched and found a couple of other threads where you mention your private therapy - sorry, should have done that before. In one you mention that the private therapist has a psychoanalytic approach. I understand that there are aspects that have helped you, at the same time in another thread and here you say that seeing her has destabilised you. Neither you or her wants to continue since it seems too risky when you have insufficient support elsewhere.

stenni, I strongly suggest that you find a private therapist who's a trauma specialist and will work actively with you on support, coping and managing. Nothing else for the time being. No exposure therapy, no exploring aspects of your psyche. And not for the purpose of keeping you going while you try to get something from the NHS.

In my view this is the treatment you need. The treatment you need is stabilisation. Not to be propped up while you keep battling for something else.

I honestly think you have to let go of the NHS for the time being. Yes, there are services that are supposed to be dealing with you - agreed. However, they are not. Your contact with them seems to be making you worse and worse, and all your resources are going towards trying to get something from them you can't get. All that seems to be happening is that it's deepening your crisis. You're not able to manage this, you're taking too much medication. It's really worrying.

I suggest you walk away from the NHS for now, and from the person you've been seeing privately, and instead you focus on appropriate private therapy. It sounds to me like you can't afford to do anything else. The roads you're currently on are not leading anywhere good.

 

[Hashi]

But taking enough meds to put me to sleep for 3/4 of a day has stopped me ending up in the river.

OK, but then nothing else is happening to change things in the meantime. It only helps for that day. The NHS is still the same after.

You need skills and support. Not incompetence, invalidation, struggling and nothing else. You need to be getting things in place that can help you so you get to the point of not having to take the meds.

This is why I think you have to direct your efforts away from the NHS. You only have so much effort you can make. If you put that effort into beating your head against a brick wall, you can't put that effort into getting appropriate help somewhere else.[DOUBLEPOST=1399126973,1399126816][/DOUBLEPOST]I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, by the way. It's the NHS holding a brick wall up to your head that's the problem. You're really trying and trying to help yourself. I think their actions/lack of action are criminal really.

I just don't think that will change.