How to deal with lack of potential memories of CSA

[mikke]

I remember always being really sexual since the 2nd grade. I would fantasize about sex in my head during school instead of listening, touch myself at home, and even use objects on myself... just to name a few. I also remember peeing my bed a lot as a kid. But outside of that, I don't remember much of my childhood before 6th grade. One night in high school, I was snooping through my mom's stuff while she was going through a divorce and found their deposition. In it my dad mentioned how I was abused sexually by a family friend. But when I asked him about it when I was 23, he said it was "only a touch on your butt." Now I feel lost and confused. I can't actually remember the act itself, but I feel deep down in my gut that it wasn't just that. There's no way I was experiencing all that I mentioned above and more and it be only that? I even started having these weird dreams this year where a man without a face was penetrating me and I was a child, screaming to stop. But I don't know if these are memories resurfacing or just a silly dream my brain concocted.

So i guess my question is: should I even trust these feelings and memories? I've had this instinctual, visceral fear of men since I was around the second grade. What can I even do about this? I feel like I'm going crazy. All these feelings and memories, but nothing to show for it. I guess my dad could be downplaying it to protect me, but my stepmom always holds it over my head that, "You didn't get abused as bad as me. It wasn't even that bad." Which isn't helping. I don't want to continue to feel this way if there was truly nothing more to it than that.

I feel like I'm teetering on an edge constantly and I don't even know WHY!!!!

 

[Freddyt]

You need to get diagnosed first by a psychiatrist. If there is something that needs attention they will tell you what the general diagnoses is. Then you move on to therapy. For me it started with a trip to my GP, who referred me to the mental health nurse who set up the psychiatrist appointment. He gave me a "generalized anxiety disorder" diagnoses and suggested EMDR as a course of treatment. So I found a Trauma Psychologist who did EMDR and away we went.

As for memories - I didn't remember any of my trauma stuff when we started. It took therapy to get to those memories. Seems fairly common too that people don't remember trauma. There are a lot of other symptoms that go with PTSD like nightmares and more but some (me included) have lived years asymptomatic before something set it off again.

If you do get diagnosed - this place is a godsend. A fantastic resource of people who have been there and done that and can help you when things are not good.

 

[arfie]

"trauma induced amnesia" was my first official psych dx back in 1972. i told my shrinks to stop saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. i couldn't remember any of my childhood, but i knew my contemporary birth family well enough to be convinced that forgetting was the best option available. it wasn't until the middle 80's until i began to understand why my shrinks kept saying, "amnesia" like it was a bad thing. the flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, etc., weren't going away just because i wanted them to.

all these years later, both myself and my pro teams take those emerged memories with a proverbial grain of salt. even untraumatized human memory is not the most accurate recording device ever designed, especially those tricky childhood memories. traumatic memories distort with even greater ease. we believe that an unknowable percentage of my emergent memories have been distorted over time and miles. the best we can do is our honest best with the information that is available to us. we have no intention of taking any of ^it^ to court, so our honest best is plenty.

 

[Mikke]

You need to get diagnosed first by a psychiatrist. If there is something that needs attention they will tell you what the general diagnoses is. Then you move on to therapy. For me it started with a trip to my GP, who referred me to the mental health nurse who set up the psychiatrist appointment. He gave me a "generalized anxiety disorder" diagnoses and suggested EMDR as a course of treatment. So I found a Trauma Psychologist who did EMDR and away we went.

As for memories - I didn't remember any of my trauma stuff when we started. It took therapy to get to those memories. Seems fairly common too that people don't remember trauma. There are a lot of other symptoms that go with PTSD like nightmares and more but some (me included) have lived years asymptomatic before something set it off again.

If you do get diagnosed - this place is a godsend. A fantastic resource of people who have been there and done that and can help you when things are not good.

I was diagnosed with major depressive when I was 12 and then with PTSD due to MST (military sexual trauma) this past year. I’ve been doing EMDR with a trauma therapist for about a year, but I honestly don’t think it’s working? I just kinda… stare at the light and dissociate

 

[Freddyt]

I was diagnosed with major depressive when I was 12 and then with PTSD due to MST (military sexual trauma) this past year. I’ve been doing EMDR with a trauma therapist for about a year, but I honestly don’t think it’s working? I just kinda… stare at the light and dissociate

That is how it works to some extent. Sometimes there is s lot to clear away before you get to the trauma stuff. We got to my first in 12-14 weeks, and the second one that happened minutes later took 3 years of work to get to.
It takes its own time to get to the trauma and if it was repeated trauma it can take even more time.

Keep working and trust the process.....