Chitoshi
Gold Member
So for the sake of my happiness, I have not told my family (and by extention, my mother) what exactly I am going to therapy for, just that I have anxiety. She has taken this to mean that I have "Generalized Anxiety Disorder," and for most symptoms she would not be wrong because I present with a lot of anxious symptoms. She takes to emailing me articles like "Why We Think Worry Helps Us" from the internet and such. This I don't exactly mind, I know she's trying to be helpful. This isn't what I want to ask the community about. I just want to give some context for what my mother knows so I can possibly gather advice. :)
So anyways, I went to Las Vegas last week for the first time for vacation, and it was super fun. I have two brothers, and I only buy souvenirs for people if I know it's going to get used and not just sit around as a dust collector because it's A. A waste of my money, and B. A waste of their space if I buy something they aren't going to use. As such, I have two brothers. I bought one a raunchy shot glass because he drinks and frequently has friends over and I knew he would get a "kick" out of it and get plenty of use out of it. It's like a $2 single shot glass and if it wasn't a standard one shot size it would be a novelty item. My other brother I had no idea what to get, so I elected not to get him anything and figured I would spend the money I saved in not buying him a useless item to get him something more for his birthday (it's a $2 savings if I'm being "exact," but I'm never exact because the two boys are so different). Either way, I figured he'd want me to spend a little more on something he enjoyed rather than me get him a useless dust collector because that was what I would want. I didn't get my parents anything because whenever I ask they never want anything.
That being said, my mother tends to question decisions I make whenever it isn't the decision she would make. I think everyone probably knows where this is going at this point. Yes. She started out with a text message, "Did you get [your other brother] anything?" Just a simple text message in her eyes, but to me that question is filled with a lot of opinions and judgements underlying it that make me feel anxious, upset, and angry. I already felt a little guilty about not getting my other brother anything from my trip, and being the oldest I've always tried to look out for the both of them equally, but I made my decision and decided that I didn't want to keep the raunchy shot glass and it would get thrown out in my apartment anyways because I have no use for it, so that was that. My mom bring out the worst in me sometimes in that I have a need to justify things I do. I do that when any of my decisions are questioned, and I've been working on trusting myself again and my decisions ever since my rape, and it's been really hard. It's especially unhelpful when the small decisions I make are questioned by my mother. Ever since I can remember she's done this, and being the only girl, the one with an anxious, "type A," high-strung personality (whatever you want to call it) even before my trauma, I've always just wanted to please her. There have always been instances of her being passive aggressive in this way, and I never saw it as abusive, so I really don't think she's trying to be abusive at all, but it's very toxic and I'm actually much more affected by her b.s. than I would normally have been if I hadn't had my trauma that rocked my trust in my ability to make smart decisions. She obviously doesn't know this, but I think I went a bit too far this time.
We've always fought whenever she's asserted herself and her opinion like this, usually after I've said something like what I did today. I told her that "No I didn't get him anything. I figured I'd get him a bigger birthday present," hoping that would assuage her. It didn't, it never really does when she's already made a decision to set herself up to give me her opinion whether I want it or not. I do ask her opinion on occasion and do appreciate when she gives me advice, it's just when I don't want it it ends up like this. Her reply was: "It's kind of awkward to get [one brother] something and not [the other]. Why didn't you just get them both the same thing? Can't do anything about it now."
First of all, can anyone try to work that out for me? I'm stuck on the "why" she even said it. I doubt I'll get an answer from her that isn't a fighting response because I didn't exactly stay calm. She's done this before and will do it again, and for some reason I'm never prepared for it.
Here was my response to her:
"I'm an adult. You don't think I don't know this? I couldn't exactly return it. Stop. You don't help my anxiety. I should have just kept the damn thing here to avoid this. Next time keep your opinion to yourself. Whenever you start with questions like that I'm always anxious and worried about how I'm getting "in trouble" with you. I'm an adult. If I need your opinion I ask for it. Why even ask the question if you're going to make a comment about something I can't change anyways? It's passive aggressive and extremely unhelpful. There's no way that I can make these decisions on my own, then have you give me your opinion and say "Well, can't do anything about it now!" that could possibly change anything except for inserting the thought of "now Mom is mad at me" into my head. It's detrimental to and I would prefer if you would stop because it's unnecessary. Now I'm stressed out, angry, and anxious and it's 3AM and I can't get back to sleep. I've spent my life trying to make you proud of my decisions and I used to need your advice and help with everything because I was still learning how to navigate the world. I am in graduate school, and I'm only about 5 years away from being 30 years old. I'm capable of decisions whether you approve of them or not. Let me be an adult and leave the small things alone so I can make a decision without fearing that it's going to come back from the grave to haunt me via text message. Because in the end it's a stupid small piece of junk and I thought about whether I cared or not if one brother elected to forego a souvenir instead of risking buying me something I wouldn't use and get me something else I would use later, and found that more favorable to me. I'm not a careless decision maker and I do not appreciate my decisions being second guessed. Thank you for understanding this and respecting my decisions in the future."
Here are my questions I guess:
1. How do I respond if she comes back with a fighting response?
2. Her other likely response is a "from-behind guilt" response. How do I respond to that?
3. How do I respond to this kind of thing in the future?
4. Does it make any difference that she's my mother? I can handle my decisions being questioned by others that I'm not so close to and my general attitude is to pretend that I'm telling them to "eff" off because I know how to make my own decisions, but I get "cowed" when it's my mother and have a harder time shaking it off.
5. Any other suggestions?
6. How do I talk to my therapist about this? I've avoided my relationship with my mother so far because I've wanted to continue to believe that she's a part of my support network and not an issue, but this has shaken me up so badly that I'm afraid to admit that she may be detrimental to my happiness.
7. Although my response was a bit wordy and defensive, did I manage to assert myself? How do I continue to do this if I did so? Any suggestions for next time?
I love my mother. We've had our ups and downs and have just started having a closer relationship. I know I probably said way too much to even get a point across. I've never actually said this much or been this firm before, but I have been irritated when she's butted her head into these decisions before, especially when I feel insecure about a decision I've made (probably because I know she's going to comment on it). As a recovering people pleaser, hearing these things from my mother is especially hard because I care more about her opinion than most people.
If anyone has made it to the end of this, thanks for hearing me out. Even if you don't have any advice I appreciate the chance to get this all out of my system and be heard.
So anyways, I went to Las Vegas last week for the first time for vacation, and it was super fun. I have two brothers, and I only buy souvenirs for people if I know it's going to get used and not just sit around as a dust collector because it's A. A waste of my money, and B. A waste of their space if I buy something they aren't going to use. As such, I have two brothers. I bought one a raunchy shot glass because he drinks and frequently has friends over and I knew he would get a "kick" out of it and get plenty of use out of it. It's like a $2 single shot glass and if it wasn't a standard one shot size it would be a novelty item. My other brother I had no idea what to get, so I elected not to get him anything and figured I would spend the money I saved in not buying him a useless item to get him something more for his birthday (it's a $2 savings if I'm being "exact," but I'm never exact because the two boys are so different). Either way, I figured he'd want me to spend a little more on something he enjoyed rather than me get him a useless dust collector because that was what I would want. I didn't get my parents anything because whenever I ask they never want anything.
That being said, my mother tends to question decisions I make whenever it isn't the decision she would make. I think everyone probably knows where this is going at this point. Yes. She started out with a text message, "Did you get [your other brother] anything?" Just a simple text message in her eyes, but to me that question is filled with a lot of opinions and judgements underlying it that make me feel anxious, upset, and angry. I already felt a little guilty about not getting my other brother anything from my trip, and being the oldest I've always tried to look out for the both of them equally, but I made my decision and decided that I didn't want to keep the raunchy shot glass and it would get thrown out in my apartment anyways because I have no use for it, so that was that. My mom bring out the worst in me sometimes in that I have a need to justify things I do. I do that when any of my decisions are questioned, and I've been working on trusting myself again and my decisions ever since my rape, and it's been really hard. It's especially unhelpful when the small decisions I make are questioned by my mother. Ever since I can remember she's done this, and being the only girl, the one with an anxious, "type A," high-strung personality (whatever you want to call it) even before my trauma, I've always just wanted to please her. There have always been instances of her being passive aggressive in this way, and I never saw it as abusive, so I really don't think she's trying to be abusive at all, but it's very toxic and I'm actually much more affected by her b.s. than I would normally have been if I hadn't had my trauma that rocked my trust in my ability to make smart decisions. She obviously doesn't know this, but I think I went a bit too far this time.
We've always fought whenever she's asserted herself and her opinion like this, usually after I've said something like what I did today. I told her that "No I didn't get him anything. I figured I'd get him a bigger birthday present," hoping that would assuage her. It didn't, it never really does when she's already made a decision to set herself up to give me her opinion whether I want it or not. I do ask her opinion on occasion and do appreciate when she gives me advice, it's just when I don't want it it ends up like this. Her reply was: "It's kind of awkward to get [one brother] something and not [the other]. Why didn't you just get them both the same thing? Can't do anything about it now."
First of all, can anyone try to work that out for me? I'm stuck on the "why" she even said it. I doubt I'll get an answer from her that isn't a fighting response because I didn't exactly stay calm. She's done this before and will do it again, and for some reason I'm never prepared for it.
Here was my response to her:
"I'm an adult. You don't think I don't know this? I couldn't exactly return it. Stop. You don't help my anxiety. I should have just kept the damn thing here to avoid this. Next time keep your opinion to yourself. Whenever you start with questions like that I'm always anxious and worried about how I'm getting "in trouble" with you. I'm an adult. If I need your opinion I ask for it. Why even ask the question if you're going to make a comment about something I can't change anyways? It's passive aggressive and extremely unhelpful. There's no way that I can make these decisions on my own, then have you give me your opinion and say "Well, can't do anything about it now!" that could possibly change anything except for inserting the thought of "now Mom is mad at me" into my head. It's detrimental to and I would prefer if you would stop because it's unnecessary. Now I'm stressed out, angry, and anxious and it's 3AM and I can't get back to sleep. I've spent my life trying to make you proud of my decisions and I used to need your advice and help with everything because I was still learning how to navigate the world. I am in graduate school, and I'm only about 5 years away from being 30 years old. I'm capable of decisions whether you approve of them or not. Let me be an adult and leave the small things alone so I can make a decision without fearing that it's going to come back from the grave to haunt me via text message. Because in the end it's a stupid small piece of junk and I thought about whether I cared or not if one brother elected to forego a souvenir instead of risking buying me something I wouldn't use and get me something else I would use later, and found that more favorable to me. I'm not a careless decision maker and I do not appreciate my decisions being second guessed. Thank you for understanding this and respecting my decisions in the future."
Here are my questions I guess:
1. How do I respond if she comes back with a fighting response?
2. Her other likely response is a "from-behind guilt" response. How do I respond to that?
3. How do I respond to this kind of thing in the future?
4. Does it make any difference that she's my mother? I can handle my decisions being questioned by others that I'm not so close to and my general attitude is to pretend that I'm telling them to "eff" off because I know how to make my own decisions, but I get "cowed" when it's my mother and have a harder time shaking it off.
5. Any other suggestions?
6. How do I talk to my therapist about this? I've avoided my relationship with my mother so far because I've wanted to continue to believe that she's a part of my support network and not an issue, but this has shaken me up so badly that I'm afraid to admit that she may be detrimental to my happiness.
7. Although my response was a bit wordy and defensive, did I manage to assert myself? How do I continue to do this if I did so? Any suggestions for next time?
I love my mother. We've had our ups and downs and have just started having a closer relationship. I know I probably said way too much to even get a point across. I've never actually said this much or been this firm before, but I have been irritated when she's butted her head into these decisions before, especially when I feel insecure about a decision I've made (probably because I know she's going to comment on it). As a recovering people pleaser, hearing these things from my mother is especially hard because I care more about her opinion than most people.
If anyone has made it to the end of this, thanks for hearing me out. Even if you don't have any advice I appreciate the chance to get this all out of my system and be heard.
