How To Explain Why I Can't Just Let The Past Be The Past

[stuff]

I love my friends. They are great people, but over the past couple days they have been banding together to confront me on my negativity. I thought I was actually doing pretty well all things considered, but they seem to think that I have a fantastic life and should appreciate it more and that I should be able to just put the past to rest and be happy about my life and carry on.

They know that I have PTSD, but it seems like they really don't understand what it is actually about or what I go through. I was seriously triggered yesterday, and spent most of the day with the shakes and pounding heart etc. I have a friend who has also been through some devastating stuff as well but doesn't seem to struggle with re-experiencing and physical symptoms like I do.

They say they want better things for me, and that I should be using my talents better. They don't understand why I work many part time jobs but don't seek full time employment. I don't know what to say to help them understand without risking alienating them and losing their friendship. I feel like they think I'm phobic and just need to conquer my fears or something, when that really isn't the case. This isn't about fear. It's about struggling with a debilitating disorder that turns my life upside down.

Has anyone else experienced this? What do you say? How do you help people understand that their experiences aren't the same as yours and waking up in the morning is not the same for you as it is for them? I know what my skills are capable of, but when you struggle with a body and mind that will sabotage you on a moments notice, it makes thriving next to impossible. I know their notions are coming from a loving place, but it's really slamming me.

 

[keifer]

I've pretty much quit talking to my friends about this. They listen but don't understand. I don't think they can understand.

This morning I almost cried for no reason. At lunch, I found my safe place to mediate at drill. It was just white noise and I was all alone, quiet!

After lunch we had a meeting. I almost had to excuse myself as I thought I was going to cry. Not the day I wanted to have when I some up!

 

[TandL's mum]

I will not say that I understand because I cannot; I am not you. What I CAN do though, is remind you that your feels are completely valid and that I understand how incredibly difficult this must be for you. My suggestion is to continue to listen to your inner self about what you think and feel is right for you and when your friends; who do love you, they just don't understand because they can't understand, start in with how it's just fear explain to them as best you can what it feels like when you trigger and how that is why you make the choices you do. It isn't because you don't want to or that you are wasting talent or any of that; you make the choices you do because they are necessary right now for you to be the best you that you can be right now. Remember to be kind to yourself.

 

[stuff]

This morning I almost cried for no reason. At lunch, I found my safe place to mediate at drill. It was just white noise and I was all alone, quiet! After lunch we had a meeting. I almost had to excuse myself as I thought I was going to cry.

I can relate to this in a huge way, and it was part of my response in why I can't work a single full time job and work multiple part time ones. I hate how invasive employers and fellow employees can be, especially when you work full time. I don't want to have to explain my situation, and while I know I don't have to disclose, it doesn't stop the barrage or questions about why I'm always crying or miss days from work, or have the shakes. I don't think it's hiding out or hiding from my PTSD or not having enough therapy, it's just what I have to deal with and the "real world" M-F makes it that much harder to cope. Having to be creative in terms of my employment is a struggle, but the full time route quickly turns into hell on earth for me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Politely decline to discuss the issue?

Thank them for their concern and let it go. They won't ever understand.

 

[walledgarden]

If they are still willing to listen, ask them these questions:

If everyday you feel everyone is squeezing on your every inch of skin very hard that you feel very painful, and someone always standing on your chest, will you let this go?

Everyone + Someone = TRAUMATIC MEMORIES.

 

[nursenurse]

I think that we are all hard wired to want approval at some level, and to feel the need to explain ourselves when we think we are in danger of either losing or not gaining it. I think that true freedom comes when we realize that we don't owe anyone an explanation for feeling the way we do. It is too trying and soul sucking whether or not you have PTSD.

When you are in a good place emotionally, re-evaluate your relationships with friends and acquaintances. Ditch those who truly don't get it and cause you pain.

To those who don't get it, but bring other good qualities to the table, just smile and politely decline discussion. Those who aren't true friends will eventually place themselves into the acquaintance category, or maybe even the "See ya!" Category.

To those closest who seem baffled, whom you would really like to understand, some written PTSD info might be helpful for them, rather than verbal explanations ad nauseam from you. You run the risk of sounding and feeling defensive otherwise, and quite frankly, you don't need that, not do you deserve to made to feel that way.

And hold your head high. I think you show great insight into yourself. Many can't say that, whether a Supporter or a Sufferer. :D

 

[ill]

Do they have to understand why you choose part-time jobs instead of full-time employment? Does that impact their lives in some way? Does it matter what the reasons are? It works for you, and that's all it needs to do.

I think understanding is overrated. I don't need my friends or family to understand the ins and outs of PTSD, I need them to be respectful and considerate of me as a person. My friends and family don't need to understand my choices, they need to respect them. What works for them isn't going to work for me, PTSD or not, because I am a different person than they are. If they can't respect the fact that I don't function the same way as they do, that my needs are different than theirs, then I don't feel like I can be in that relationship.

I have had to end a friendship with someone who continually trivialized my PTSD. I articulated a clear boundary: "It hurts me when you say this. I need you to stop hurting me because that doesn't feel like friendship to me." She did not stop saying hurtful things, so I'm no longer friends with her. It sucks, but it was better for me in the end. It's too hard and takes too much energy to have to defend myself with friends, where I need and want to be safe. If I were in your shoes, I would figure out what my boundaries are, I would articulate them, and then I would enforce them. And it wouldn't matter if my friends didn't understand or accept them, because they're what I need and it does not feel friendly to have a friend begrudge you the things you need to survive.

 

[stuff]

Things actually went pretty well. I had a talk with my friends, and explained a bit more. I know they have concern because they care, and I think they understand that I'm not hiding out, I just have a harder time than they realized based on what they see in our day to day interactions. It's been a worthwhile endeavour to talk about it. I feel closer to them for having talked about it. I doubt this would have happened a year or two ago. I would have closed up and wandered away. I guess I have been pushing my boundaries in good ways.

 

[bell]

I feel closer to them for having talked about it. I doubt this would have happened a year or two ago.

Awesome! :)

It's really hard when people want the best for you, except they want the best for you in their perception, not your reality. Sigh. It's so hard because you know they mean well, but will never really understand... which can make you feel more alone than ever. Glad to hear that you feel closer to them now... that gives me hope, thank you!

 

[winterose]

Life is not Oprah moments when living with PTSD. Understanding your life means also understanding the sacrifices you have to make to stay well. Alot of times that doesn't fit in others views of how to live life. If you find stuff that works for you, maintains what you need to, and allows you to have a life..the rest isn't as important. Quality of life isn't something you get, it's something you build. I've let go of alot of people like that in the past year. It hurt. it sucked. It feels lonely. But they also missed out on the new things I can do. They miss out on the smiles and laughter. The successes I have. I live a full life with limitations. And that is all I explain to others now. Hang in there.