How to Feel Again? - Emotional Numbing

[Mina]

That's a great start, Kunoichi :smile:

Once I went numb, I didn't start feeling again until I was able to acknowledge that what happened to me was scary, difficult, etc. EMDR helped a ton to open the emotional gates again. Now, doing EMDR is like flipping on an emotional switch when I can't tell what I'm feeling or am sort of numb.

The more therapy I go to, the more I talk through things, the more EMDR I do, the more I feel. It does take time.

 

[freya]

I'm thankful for this thread, too...

I think I'm mostly scared of my emotions, of being overwhelmed by them...

I do feel but at times I fall into a pit of despair or grief or confusion that I just can't seem to get out of on my own. I dislike having to call friends, or a professional, to get back to some sort of stability again...

 

[Kunoichi]

Freya,

its not uncommon. i stay numb because otherwise I would end up crazy or in the Loony bin , my T's exact words. But I think us with PTSD, we fail to see that we don't HAVE to be strong on this. We can fall on this and its ok. Its ok to not be "Alright" and have it "all together." I say this and i have a hard time giving myself a break. Ironic right?

I'm numb again now...i went into shocked state due to thinking my abuser had found me (due to a dick on the net)..:(

 

[Dylan]

Freya, I related so much to your desire to not have to get support to (re)gain balance.

I am finding that, for me, it's just not a reasonable expectation that I can stay fiercely independent. I need the support. My therapist once said, "When a person hits a rough patch (one who doesn't even have PTSD), they marshall their resources...they call on their support systems; the greater the distress the wider the net/the louder the call. The problem isn't that you need support, it's that you think you shouldn't". I just wanted so much to be strong.

If I saw someone on crutches trip and fall, would I think them weak for grasping a hand held out to help them up? Would I hold them in contempt if they asked for help?

My therapist put it another way (she was trying to get me to consider medication at the time, but the metaphor is still relevant I think): "You're a little boat, tugging along up the river. You get clogged in some seaweed; you rev and rev and finally get loose. Then you hit upon a log pile up. You slow down, navigate carefully...and get free. Then you're in open water. You hit a whirlpool. Your engine just isn't strong enough to get out. You're spinning out of control, taking on water, about to go down. Suddenly, a barge cruises up with a tow line. After all you've been through, all the effort, all the diligent navigation....don't you deserve that tow-line?" May sound corny, but it helped me. :rolleyes:

-Dylan

 

[Kunoichi]

dylan,

I like those anaologies.

Sometimes i wonder for myself if i shouldn't just take a few months off work and everything to just heal. I don't know...I need the money but I think we could prolly manage even so..maybe if i found like a weekend job or something. I don't know...I might ask my mom about it tho.

Thanks for the analogies..made me feel better about my own healing process!

 

[cragger65]

Dylan, excellent analogy. I never thought of it that way. I know I need help at times, no two ways about it, but with everyday stuff I'm learning to count on me more. There was a time I needed to call my T every other day for extra support. Now I can manage most things until I see her again. I think it's just being realistic about what you really need at this phase, even if it seems extreme or unlike your usual self.

And always reminding yourself of course, "It's going to get better, slow but sure" and it does.

 

[Monarch]

For me work grounds me, gives me something else to think about. If I was home all day I would just be thinking about all the "dark stuff" and that doesn't do any good either. Working has probably saved my life. Dylan's analogy is a good one, life will be up and down and you will learn to ask for help along the way, it is hard but asking for help and accepting it was the best thing I ever did. You aren't going to get better until you ask but then your feet have to do the walking. I go in and out of numbness I think for me it is normal, something else to live with but I focus less on it these days.

 

[sallysellsseashells]

Just to be clear, is this completely about emotional numbness?

 

[Cindy]

Numbing can be a life preserver. It helps us to function through the day.

I wanted to add to this discussion. In one of the responses there was talk of being overwhelmed (well, maybe a few of you). That's exactly the reason for the numbing. There have been times I wish I could just turn on the numbing but I can't.

The reason for my reply is about experiencing the feelings. The most difficult emotion for me is anger. I don't know how to express it or release it. I am not even aware what it feels like. I've had to teach myself what emotions feel like and what they are. From a very early age I learned not to show or express my emotions thus at 51 I am still learning about them.

 

[Kunoichi]

Brings me back to the question: do i tell my bosses about my PTSD? I don't even know if I can go through work today....

 

[Yumeko-chan]

(Odd. The posts I wrote two days ago are only appearing today. Argh. Means no one's gonna notice them.)

Kunoichi --

I would tell your bosses. My boss and my coworkers certainly know, but it's not something that really comes up in casual conversation otherwise. I told 'em once and that was more or less the end of it. On the flip side, however, when I tried to interview for assistant manager back in March I did not tell the interviewer (a store manager at another store) about it and my "fear of yelling," as I call it, out of fear that he'd think "Oh, this girl has psychological problems, no way am I gonna let her be manager."

In the end I didn't get the position because he thought I was "too timid." I guess next time I try out I'll go ahead and tell him, just to get it out there.

But yeah, I guess what I'm saying is, you should tell your bosses. They'll more than likely be more understanding than you think :smile:

 

[Cindy]

I was in your position once. It is a hard decision to make. Mental illness carries a stigma no matter how 'modern' and accepting a boss may be.

As I struggled with the decision my psychiatrist and psychologist were both willing to write letters and do what was necessary for my well being.
My psychiatrist made an excellent point to me at that time - Once the cat is out of the bag there is no putting it back in.

I chose to hang on a little longer to see if the situation triggering me would be resolved. It took another 7 weeks to correct the situation but an additional 8 months for me to recover from the upheavel and triggering episodes.

I don't know if my decision was right or not, I did make it through with a cost to me. But it is not reflected into my future at work.

Your decision. I guess the first thing to ask yourself is -"What do you hope to gain by sharing the information?". Are your expectations reasonable considering your work setting? How receptive would your boss be and/or management?