How To Feel Proud?

[Mallaky]

Lately I have felt down about myself.

The tedium of it all gets to me, and I feel suffocating under my newfound responsiblity for myself. It felt like a very egoistic issue to have, so I have tried to just ignore it. Didn't work. Wrote a letter to a friend today, and the issue became clear to me:

I am making all sorts of progress and feel the responsiblity to continue that path, but I don't feel good about any of it. I don't feel proud about any of my successes, and I believe I should.
I only feel regret and shame for taking so long, for being at a point in my life that "normal" people would have been at half my age.

And without that feeling of proudness, of satisfaction with myself, my fuel is running out. Some days I wish I could stop caring for a bit.

Are you proud of your acchievements? Do you have any idea how to tackle this? Is this familiar? Any input welcome.

 

[barefoot]

I find it difficult to identify my achievements too - in all aspects of life.

Annual appraisals at work..."What were you really proud of this year?", "What went really well this year?", "What were your biggest achievements this year?"... I used to find those questions really mind boggling... My answer was typically, "Er....nothing..."

In therapy - my therapist will mention the "huge progress" I've made in the past 18 months. I just don't see it. I think that's partly because I tend to focus on what still isn't right. Or, as you mention, I just feel the shame of being told that being more present in sessions, for example, is great progress and that I've done really well...instead of feeling pleased with myself about that achievement, I just feel pathetic because "normal people" don't need to get congratulated for keeping their head in the room...they just are present! And I'm still not fully present all the time and sometimes still get spacey/dissociate, therefore, it may be an improvement but it's still not "good enough" in my eyes.

I think it's also because I find it difficult to connect with the feeling of achievement/feeling proud. Sometimes, I can see and understand that something has gone well/that I've done something well or improved at something etc. But it's like I can see that's true on an intellectual level but I don't really then feel the feeling part of the sense of achievement...?

My therapist always says I'm very harsh on myself and that some self-compassion would be helpful. Generally when she says that I just roll my eyes. But I can kind of see, writing this, that maybe a lack of self-compassion gets in the way of being able to feel things like this? Because if I always go to a place of shame or self-criticism, there's not really an opportunity to feel and appreciate positive accomplishments.

Perhaps a good place for us both to start could be noticing things to appreciate? I don't know... It's hard...

Sorry you're feeling on a downer about yourself...fwiw, I think it sounds like you are doing really well with the progress you're making!

Would it be helpful to list the achievements/progress that you're aware of ie intellectually you know it's something you "should" feel proud of? And then when you have the list, could you go to each point and try to come up with something that you appreciate about that item? Or a way that it has impacted you in a positive way?

 

[shimmerz]

I start small. I am proud that, after all of this, I am still alive. No idea how that even happened.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I was taught that feeling pride of any kind is a sin, and so I worked hard to eliminate those thoughts from my mind. After reading and learning so much about mindfulness and true self vs ego self and all that, I'm not sure I want to be able to feel pride (although feeling it and truly being rid of it are two different things anyway).

So...I think now, I mostly look for things I do or achieve or learn that I approve of, as opposed to focusing so much on things that other people would approve of. When I get dressed in the morning...what do I want to wear, not what would look "right" to the people I'll see that day. When I finish a project at work, I ask what do I think about the work I did, not whether anyone else is impressed (although I'm still, of course, very open to feedback from people whose opinions help me improve my work).

It's not so much...what can I show the world about what I've accomplished...but more...what is my own opinion about what I've done. If I look at myself a year ago, what do I see that has changed? Is that the direction I want to go? What do I want to see differently about my life in a year (realistically)? What do I need to do right now and in the coming months to make that happen? My life is unlike anyone else's, so there are no standards except my own (along with reasonable expectations from my DH and kids, of course).

That said, I do get very frustrated with the slow progress in therapy. I totally hear you there. Why do I have to fight so hard just to be present, when that's just natural for other people?

The way I see it for myself...this deep, deep hole I'm digging myself out of, is becoming a well of insight and wisdom that "normal" people just don't have access to. It's an incredibly high price to pay, and I'm not sure I would have chosen it. But here it is. And here I am. What can I do with what I've got?

 

[Tinyflame]

The way I see it for myself...this deep, deep hole I'm digging myself out of, is becoming a well of insight and wisdom that "normal" people just don't have access to. It's an incredibly high price to pay, and I'm not sure I would have chosen it. But here it is. And here I am. What can I do with what I've got?

Sounds wise @DogwoodTree . :tup:

I too, find no sense of pride in what feels like only what should be the norm. If anything, hard for me not to engage in mental self-battery.

Like @shimmerz my biggest 'accomplishment' is probably 'being here', though I don't take credit for that either, & for now probably wouldn't choose it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I should add however, the little things, or that perhaps taken for granted by others, would be 'average' stuff we were accomplishing if we were 'average'. But the ptsd makes us not average. (By analogy, walking a mile with 2 cooperating good legs is different than walking a mile with one very very sore leg that is unpredictable for weight bearing- many falls (& face in the dust!) & getting up again. And takes a lot longer, more effort, more energy, more disheartening, harder to plan around.)

ETA, if I had the courage, I would say, "If you knew how difficult things are for me & how hard I'm trying, you might forgive me more, or condemn me less." But truthfully, I can't even say that to my own self.

Best wishes @Mallaky & all . :hug:

 

[Seasounds]

I certainly resonate with what you wrote.

Re: "feeling regret and shame": Yes, I feel that, especially around the holidays, as other people had the skills to cultivate relationships and family when they were younger; I have only developed those skills in the past decade. I was in a really deep freeze, of the flght, flight, and freeze response to threatening experiences.

Re: I do agree with you about having you and your therapist focus on appreciating 'the right now'. You and your therapist are creating an unintended criticism with a compliment, when you talk about 'comparing' to others. And, certainly it is natural to compare ourselves with others; yet it is a huge trap of self-unacceptable. It has helped me to just turn the focus back to myself. "How am I freer than last year?" "What can I enjoy about myself today?" "What can I do, to feel good about myself today?"

Re:How to move through the tough spot of comparison? First, always, I accept my 'less-than' feelings-to accept myself, where I am at, and, simultaneously, I invite myself to move into a different mindset.

Through time, I noticed that I needed to redefine what pride was. Instead of being better than others, or being as good as others, I changed the meaning, Now, I relate pride to the qualities that I have developed and that I enjoy having. Here are there the roots for authentic self-esteem, that can't be robbed by living in a world of people who did not have significant childhood trauma.

On my worst of days, I rely on a few activities to lift my spirits. I spend time in nature, I do activities that bring me joy, like cooking, writing, listening to music, meeting with a friend, looking at artwork or noticing the natural art, found in the geometrics or colors, that I can see in a park or in neighborhood street..

Also, a therapist helped me make a list of 200 qualities, that I exhibit, 'some' of the time (e.g. thoughtful, diligent, smart, musical, silly, adaptable, etc) Just to change my mood, I will turn on music I like, and recite/sing them while I dance. Or I can recite them, at any time, aloud or silently.

And, like you did, I turn to this forum, to get support and appreciation, from people who truly understand the diligence and the complexity of building a 'Self', that is viable in our culture, satisfactory to ourselves, and that gives us a sense of an inner or outer accomplishment, that may or may not be, visable to others.

And we all get to take a rest, from our full time job of self-growth and self-responsibility. Ahhh, :hug:, (since no emoji for resting in a forest, or resting on the beach, just imagine your favorite setting)

 

[Seasounds]

building on this thread, I just started a new one: see what is one accomplishment that others take for granted?

 

[Panda Bear]

This is very familiar!

I certainly didn't want myself to be proud of the things I could do....and I certainly did not want OTHERS to be proud of me either.

Hearing people tell me they are proud of me for certain things makes my skin crawl, I feel sick! Why would people like me or something about me...or see value in me?? It's such a thick area that I'm not making a ton of progress in.

My T makes a valiant effort to say nice things, it pains me to hear him. I used to tell him to please be quiet or stop.....that I didn't have to listen to him be nice and I didn't ask him to, it was just a way for him to get me to trust him. A lie.

When I've learned to trust relationships a bit, the pride has been a smudge easier to stomach.

 

[Mallaky]

Woah, lots of responses. Awsome.

@barefoot Yeah, I hear you. I don't believe self-compassion is my issue here. I have learned to be very compassionate with myself concerning my flaws and issues, but this is another matter, no? I feel being overly harsh to oneself and not being able to feel good about (unusual?) achievements are different matters. Your reply made me think, that maybe the issue lies that we with PTSD don't have healthy reference points. We cant help but compare ourselves to healthy, normal people because that is who we are surrounded with. What do you think?

@shimmerz Love your post but I think that is not starting small. That is a big big big thing and I can feel that way too. But my issues are with what I consider the smaller things, you know?

@DogwoodTree I disagree vehemently with your ideology. This speech from Sense8 puts it better then I ever could:

For a long time I was afraid to be who I am because I was taught by my parents there’s something wrong with someone like me. Something offensive. Something you would avoid maybe even pity. Something that you would never love. My mom, she’s a fan of Saint Thomas of Aquinas. She calls pride a sin. Saint Thomas saw pride as the queen of the seven deadlies. She saw it as the ultimate gateway sin that would turn you quickly into a sinaholic. But hating isn’t a sin on that list. Neither is shame. I was afraid of this parade because I wanted so badly to be a part of it. So today I’m marching for that part of me that was much too afraid to march. And for all the people who can’t march. The people living lives like I did. Today, I march to remember that I’m not just a me. I’m also a we. We march with pride. So go f*ck yourself, Aquinas.

Really liked your post @Junebug. Its really about PTSD changing the stick we measure ourselves with, isnt it? Hmmm. I wonder if having a real life PTSD support group would be helpfull, unfortunately there is no such thing here. High standards can be delibitating for normal people, no wonder I am down on myself. My pretty normal partner sometimes makes me feel so inadequate, sometimes I feel like the loving thing to do would cut him loose so he can find someone more on par with himself.

@Saetva Thanks. Just thanks. I think you really just hit the nail on the head. It moves my thoughts from self-compassion, which didnt work, to self acceptance. And there I see it. I still consider myself fighting with PTSD instead of living with it. Super duper helpfull, wow. No wonder I feel the way I do. Sometimes I get angry when I am reminded I have PTSD, because I consider "forgetting" it for just a while such a blessing. I really thought I made my peace with it, accepted it, but now I dont think I did. Often I get very confused, cannot remember why I thought I have PTSD, its just hormones or I am just crazy. Its scary sometimes and disorienting. I cannot remember any abuse or traumatic stuff then. This really helped me get a new perspective. Super duper!

@Panda Bear I cannot quite relate to that. The only one who praises me is my husbear, and it makes me feel good. I dont know how I would feel if others did. I very often don't believe him though, thinking he "just says it". If its this way with my partner of 8 years I guess other people's praise would indeed make my skin crawl.

Thanks you all very much. That was very insightfull! Now, to process it all...

 

[DogwoodTree]

I disagree vehemently with your ideology.

Hm, that first sentence you seem to be reacting to is what I was taught by a dysfunctional family who spiritually abused me...I didn't say that's what I believe now. But in case you were responding instead to the rest of my post..

I very often don't believe him though, thinking he "just says it". If its this way with my partner of 8 years I guess other people's praise would indeed make my skin crawl.

...this is more what I was trying to get at, and apparently I didn't do a very good job of it. If I'm not going to believe other people when they compliment me anyway, then why would I bother trying to earn their compliments? Instead, I'm learning to focus on what works for me because it's what I want for myself, not because it will make anyone else happy (which kinda seems where the quote you posted was going, but that person used a much more "in your face" approach to make their statement).

So then, "pride" as I understand the concept (I understand pride to be saying, "I'm better than you"...I understand it as a superiority thing) kinda goes out the window, and maybe I'm then redefining the term for myself while not putting that term on it because the word still scares me.

It becomes more..."Here's where I am. Here's what I've got to work with. What can I do to make the kind of progress I want for my life? And that will be enough."

This whole discussion really gets me thinking about what I understand pride to be. Thanks for that.

 

[shimmerz]

I understand pride to be saying, "I'm better than you"...I understand it as a superiority thing

Interesting take on words. I wonder if defining what pride actually is rather than using a term that we learned (probably by abusers) would be helpful.

noun

1. a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired.
   "the team was bursting with pride after recording a sensational victory"
   synonyms: Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, Link Removed, a sense of achievement
   "take pride in a good job well done"
2. a group of lions forming a social unit.

verb.

1. be especially proud of a particular quality or skill.
   "she'd always prided herself on her ability to deal with a crisis"
   synonyms: be proud of, be proud of oneself for, take pride in, take satisfaction in,congratulate oneself on, pat oneself on the back for
   "Lucas prides himself on his knowledge of wine"