good thing to remember, We are not alone . I held it in for years and finally it overtook my whole system. I have been learning to trust my SO, we dated years ago and now he is here for me. He was always there for me as I look back at all the photos from long ago. He always cared for me in his own way. I want to blame him a lot for my suffering and wish for more support from him. He has learned how to support me without me losing my dignity and my independence, nor his). I still get angry inside a few times a day when I feel he could try harder. Then my wise mind finally "gets it" that he is supporting me in so many discreet and indiscreet ways(running errands, cleaning the house, cleaning up dog doo, walking my dog for long walks and bicycle runs, lots of hugs and warm feelings from him towards me). Basically there is not anything he can do to take my pain of love-lessness away but I am realizing, the more he is firm that I communicate with him what I am thinking
I also have my kids, daughter-in-law and grandkids who love me unconditionally. I am having my son take over my business and run it as I can no longer do it. I was able to ask him because he has shown nothing but care, concern and compassion as I seem to slowly be losing more neurological functions. I have been trying to call for a neurologist appt. and my mind stops me and confuses me. I asked my SO this morn to ask our mutual friend ,who owned and ran a pharmacy until 7 years ago, if she could come help me.
Now I'm talking about a gal who has owned 2 bakeries and a few other businesses , the last job being assistant to the EMS fire chief of our town, which included a lot of brain and organizational skills. I knew my mind was always challenged but somehow I managed to perform well enough.
I have had to really challenge my feelings when I feel unsupported; I realize the other person is living in their reality and doing the best they can to support me (proven) and they have their own busy life, they need their own personal time......basically giving myself proof of reality to see this is a hard feeling that has to do with a mother that could not love a baby but had 5. A narcissist who could only follow her tendencies. That's what these feelings are about, not my supporters, who are not familiar with trauma to this degree and have proved that they care.
I try to say thank you all the time when family and SO go out of their way for me and try to put myself in their place.
I am basically a hermit who trusts no one and currently am in bed a lot. I have stopped pretending that I can have friends as they are too happy and alive and connected to life. So, to have the few in my life to support me through this time is all I need.
I also find this site helpful, people share the details of their life experience and I see there are a lot of us that are in such pain and confusion daily so I do not feel, in that moment, so afraid....there are many others.
