Relationship How To Get Closure......?

[CateM]

I've been on this forum for a while now and have asked for help and offered my thoughts from time to time. Not wanting to rehash the whole history, my ex left me very suddenly when I believed our relationship was still very much on the up. Of course he came back a month later saying he missed me but just as I thought we were getting back on track I found out he’d been internet dating. I called him on it and apart from one text to apologise I haven’t heard a peep from him since. That was three months ago. To say that it’s been hard is an understatement and every day has been a struggle. I've had longer relationships, I've lived with past boyfriends, but this felt like ‘the one’ and I can’t seem to let go of him.

He’s got issues with trust, control, jealousy…….the list goes on, but he’s also an amazing person and the guy I have cared for more than anyone before.

I'm not great at moving on but this is seemingly impossible and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why it is just so hard. Reading other people’s experiences it all seems to come down to closure, or rather the lack thereof, which is what we’re all missing and is causing us all so much pain.

Closure allows us to literally close a door on a chapter of our lives. In previous relationships I've been able to do this because the end has been thought through rationally and, whilst it hurts, it’s been done with the best intentions and with the sincerest hope not to hurt each other. That’s how it should be done. That’s how you end up keeping important people in your life as friends so it doesn't all seem such a waste of time. This time around it’s so different because I've been left feeling unimportant and discarded, and as if we were nothing. To not be in contact, even if it’s to end it once and for all, is so hurtful.

So how do I get the closure that so many people talk about on this forum? That is literally a question because I truly don’t know how, and I'm worried that until I find the answer I'm stuck. Part of me wants to contact him to force this closure to happen but I know that I'm too stubborn to make the first move and that seeing him will just make things harder because I know I still care…… just don’t know what to do.

I'm not even angry that he broke up with me but I'm furious and heartbroken that he ever came back if he knew wasn't going to stay, especially as all I ever asked for was space to come to terms with it all.

Sorry, this isn't the succinct query I originally intended!

 

[sisu]

I am in your same boat regarding lack of closure and the difficulty in that situation. I am totally okay with not dating him anymore and I am moving on however I feel that I will always have that question in my mind of what really went wrong. I don't know so I can't fix it for my future relationships. I can only believe that this had nothing to do with me or my ability to be in a loving relationship - this was his PTSD rearing its ugly head giving him an inability to be in a loving relationship. And that is so very sad really.

I fear I will be a tough sell on trust for the next man I meet as my trust was so violated with that surprise break up. There was no rational reason and therefore nothing I could do to make it better. So moving on had to be a choice I made for me. I will never get that closure from him.

This forum has greatly helped me move on in my life as well as talking to my friends and family. I have begun talking to someone new and I'm not sure where it will go, I am enjoying the attention.

I hope that you can find it in yourself to choose to move on and make that your closure. Take care CateM!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Same situation, minus an actual break-up. He just cut me out of his life. Lack of closure has made it so much worse than other break-ups. So, I understand, but we have no choise, but to move on. Honestly, do not know how I will ever trust a man again. For me it was already an issue and this has just recemmented that issue.

Hope you find a way to move on and be happy with someone who can let themself be happy with you.

 

[novemberDark]

Closure that's a tough one, still for myself too although it will be a year come Christmas that my ex boyfriend went totally awal out of the blue and there was a complete communication brake down. We had contact after this mostly me calling at least 1x a month.

Its a form of protection but at the same time it stops any little bit of healing the isolating themselves and pushing loved ones away. After many years of friendship ( not.a lot of but always in contact) I got a phone call this time of the year asking to meet up. The intimate romantic relationship started from there and lasted a little over a year. It was after a few weeks that he told me the day he called.he had planned.to commit suicide.

There's differences in personality as we'll involved and its hard to distinguish what is related to PTSD, all I cam tell y is that this man was very open to me about what he felt during what I call episodes. There's numbness and isolation for protection from triggers ( which actually goes.against some healing) bit they cope that way instinctively. Also which I knew beforehand is a symptom of PTSD that the person believes they will not live for very long. He has told me that too and that I have no future with him and would just end up taking care of him. I truly feel that at the start ( when was probably having a 'good' period) he sincerely believed we had a future and really wanted it.badly for himself, unlike yr situation he was talking commitments etc. This is an up and down for.them.though, sometimes living with this condition all one can do is live from day to day.

As a partner that doesn't suffer from the same condition it becomes a roller-coaster ride with condescending msgs and I myself can see why it upset me only now in retrospect.It disabled him sometimes They want but they can't. As he put it "I just want to be Normal". Meanwhile the condition is a normal reaction to traumatic events( in his case combat). As a by stander we look at it from our non roller-coaster perspective and end up feeling.hurt. This man was able to give love and be extremely affectionate to me was able to absorb mine as well, yet there are time of emotional numbness and in those times I knew he could have the ability to consider.my feelings. Regardless of knowing it.still hurts feels like rejecting etc, he.were just human right. Not sure if I will hear from him again but the worry always remains.

Everybody is different so the way they handle there PTSD is different too.Sometimes its to protect.y from getting hurt ( not cause y grief). I can say I feel that way about my experience and that I find some peace I'm this because it was no joyride and often puzzling. Don't get me wrong there were wonderful happy times too. What's sad is knowing tje very thing ( pushing someone away that loves y) is the opposite direction of healing. This is something only they themselves can change. Meantime the only thing you can do is be ok yourself and part of that is letting go to give yourself some closure. Its hard I know it.myself specially when y care and worry because.y really love this person. Very often to the questions why they might not have the answer themselves because.there having difficulty figuring themselves and actions out while there living it.

 

[novemberDark]

I apologies for the typos my phone auto corrects hope you can make.some sense of.my msg

 

[nursenurse]

Closure is something you need to seek within yourself. The cruel reality is that you will never get the closure you need. To seek out the answers from him will just keep the wounds open and oozing longer. He will never be able to answer you in the way you want. He was Internet dating. He has been ignoring you. Among a whole host of other things he has been going to you that are signs of a boor, not signs if a loving partner, whether he has PTSD or not really does not matter. The closer you need is the door on his arse. He is lucky to have had you, too stupid to know that. You are lucky to have the opportunity to move on. Close that chapter yourself. You do not need him for that. It is hard, but you can do it. Maybe a little therapy for you. Good luck, and hugs.