Relationship How To Give Him Security?

[scout86]

There's a difference between being supportive and trying to be who HE wants you to be, as opposed to who you really are.

So any time I go out with friends or talk about them, it's somewhat of a trigger for him.

Take that for example. You have a right to have friends and you have a right to spend time with them. He can choose how he wants to deal with that. But telling you NOT to have friends (or expecting you to figure out that that's what he wants) isn't a very reasonable option.

When it comes to "triggers" there are some things where my therapist says, in all seriousness, "You might want to find a better way to think about that." If this guy is going to be in a relationship, he needs to learn how to trust the person he's in the relationship with. That's not necessarily easy, but it's kind of one of the first requirements. If he's not ready to do that yet, he's not ready for that kind of relationship. By catering to him on this stuff, you aren't "making it worse" but you're reducing the need for him to deal with his own stuff, by going way above and beyond what's reasonable.

 

[sun seeker]

Like Scout86 I also saw a bunch of red flags in your post. I expect everything in you protests against hearing this, but what you are describing is a relationship with a lot of potential for abuse. Actually, it's abusive already. I urge you to consider now, how far you are willing to go with this. What would be the last straw that would make you leave? More name calling? Physical violence? It is possible he wouldn't reach this extreme, but there is just so much of what you describe that is typical of an escalating abusive relationship, both in how he treats you and how you respond to his treatment. That he is a perfect gentleman when not in one of his dark moods does nothing to make me think otherwise. That is also typical of the cycle of an abusive relationship.

Like everyone else, I don't think you can or should try to go any further to convince him that you are trustworthy. You've already done way more than anyone should have to do. Yes, people with PTSD have a hard time trusting others, but we need to take responsibility for the lack of trust. There is no excuse for name calling and manipulation like you describe. You can be there for him while he works out his issues, but it isn't doing either of you any good to let him mistreat you.

I say this from the point of view of someone who was driven to breaking point in an abusive marriage. It's easy to think your situation is different and outsiders can't understand, but the millions of other women who have been through what you are describing do understand.

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

This is going to sound high and mighty and I really don't intend it to be.

I appreciate it, honestly. I don't want sugarcoated advice. I need people to tell me things as they see them. I might not see them because I'm the one involved.

He doesn't like the constant reassurance I think, he likes that he can control you into being always obedient and worried that its your fault. There's insecurity and that is okay but using it to manipulate other people is not.

I never behave like it is my fault. Once he said he believes I "blame it all on him", but I tell him he needs to realize who's making him feel that way, which is himself due to all of his issues. He understands I'm patient and understanding, but I never tell him I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I can see that you love him but 7 mos is not a long relationship in the grand scheme of things. It would be better for you to drop him before this gets even worse. You're already ditching your friends and family for him and its only been 7 months. How much further can you alienate your life for him? Do you have the funds/access to go to therapy yourself? Could help just for you to find your centre.

I know it's not a long relationship, although to him it seems like one. Haha I'm not ditching friends and family completely... The people that are really close to me, he knows not to mess with. He knows that's a line he should never cross. The ones I have minimized contact with are ex co-workers and classmates that I know make him feel uncomfortable, although he never tells me. I don't flat out leave them out of my life, but I don't talk to them as often... I have the funds to go to therapy, but it's a little tough because of my schedule. I'm a full-time employee and student. :/

 

[Em C.]

I never behave like it is my fault. Once he said he believes I "blame it all on him", but I tell him he needs to realize who's making him feel that way, which is himself due to all of his issues.

Yes it is him but this is the kind of thing that does not get better magically. WHat I mean by that is issues like this take years to work on and only if you want to work on it. It doesn't sound like he does. I still think my emotionally unavailable ex bf is the one for me. I 100% love him and bent overbackwards for him. If he said he messed up and wanted to get back together (for the third time) I would probably say yes.

Therapy is something you have to make time for because otherwise you can burn out. I work and am a full time student too so I get how insane it is. Bt I think you really need t because if you aren't careful, it will become something you can't brush off.

Once you hit a year you'll find it even harder to leave even if he is acting worse.

I don't want you feeling stuck.

You can PM me if you want to talk about it :)

WHat you may wanna try is reading the other supporter posts of similar situations and see if in that situation if you think they should leave, I dont mean there is a right or wrong but it could help with perspective

 

[Justmehere]

Should I talk to him about some of his issues in hopes that it will make him work on his traumas? Not sure what to do... I don't really want to stop being supportive, but I definitely don't want to cater to his fears, either. :/

Most people who are not trained in how to handle PTSD, or don't have PTSD themselves - they don't realize that it is actually a disservice to the PTSD sufferer to react and bend to every fear.

The more you can hold boundaries with him, the better it will be over the long haul. Things will get worse at first, but this is how healing with PTSD works.

The worst thing you could do for him is to spend more time figuring out how to scream "I love you" at him. Think of it like this - it's like giving a someone addicted to cocaine more cocaine to numb out the pain of the past instead of letting them hit their own rock bottom and finally stop trying to resolve the pain through drugs or through a new relationship or through other things.

You keep focusing on what you can do, and I can see how much you want this to work and want the best for him. The more you try to adjust to all his fears to this extreme level, the more you pull him away from his work to heal. In the end, you can never ever provide him enough love or security to heal the past trauma. Never. You can't.

Your job at this time is to love him enough to tell him no, to love him enough to tell him enough is enough.

The very best thing that friends and partners did for me was to be safe but tell me no when I wanted them to reassure me a gazillion times that they were safe. This kind of behavior (asking for endless proof that someone is safe) has been shown in studies to actually increase anxiety and fears. The reason why most trauma therapies work is because people face the past, and their fears, with some safety with the therapist, and they stop avoiding the past by trying to make new relationships safe and new relationships to fix the pain of the past.

As long as you are there ready to try and reassure him so much, he will keep using that instead of working on it more deeply in treatment. It's way easier than treatment, but he will also never heal as much as he could.

I tell most supporters to get their own therapy and grow, not reduce, their support networks for themselves. I highly recommend this for you as well. It is not because you have done something wrong, but because loving someone with PTSD is hard and takes lots of high level skills.

If he wants to do couples therapy, then let him and his therapist find the couples therapist (if you are ok with that.) It's important that the couole's therpaist coordinates well with his therapist. However, I don't think this should be your primary focus. Individual support for you is critical.

I know you want to tell us that no he is really different when he isn't triggered and he isn't being abusive to you and etc. You are communicating to a group of people that includes other supporters and many sufferers - including many of us who have survived abusive relationships. It is so much easier to see it from the outside, and there are almost always good times in everybody relationship . It's not just his behavior that makes me concerned things have gone way too far, but your behavior as well. You exhibit some of the behaviors of people who are being treated abusively at times. I think you need to look at why you stay in this relationship when he abandons you so much, to the point you are becoming numb and he is escalating. It's clearly not working for you and doing more of what you are already doing isn't likely to work either.

Many people here have been where you are and tried to bend over backwards and scream I love you to a PTSD sufferer. It does not work and it harms both of you in the long run.

If you insist on staying in the relationship, then the best thing you can do is to let him be responsible for his own healing.

This is incredibly hard to do. Most people can't do it, especially not without any outside support.

The next best thing you can do is to go to therapy, and read up all you can about how to set boundaries. Things will get worse when you start setting boundaries - but that's to be expected and part of the process of healing from PTSD. It is why you will need the support network.

Until you are ready to take these kinds of very hard steps, it is not healthy for you or him to expect your relationship or his PTSD symptoms will improve, no matter what you do. In fact, you should expect that it will get worse as time goes on.

Even with these steps, and lots of treatment and support, this will be a life long battle. It's not wise to stay with the hope of him improving. You can't change him and he may never change. Before you keep investing in the life long battle, it is important to look at why you do these things - for him, or is it more for you to avoid the hellish pain of saying no to him and letting him reach his rock bottom?

The stronger and more supported you are, the better for both of you.

 

[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

Thank you, guys. Really. All of you. ^_^

In all honesty, the reason why I don't feel like I'm in an abusive relationship is because I know it hurts him to cause me any kind of pain. I know he's not doing it intentionally or trying to manipulate me or getting me to be how he wants me to be. It's more of his brain seeing a red flag and going "abort! same thing is gonna happen! run away!" so he tries to push me away. It's even predictable, really. And I've noticed that when gets upset, it's easier to be 'cold' for him via text, rather than personally because once he sees me, he breaks down and apologizes. What does that mean?

Also, when we're together he tells me he feels comfortable and less paranoid and edgy. We hardly have any problems when we're together. It's more of when we're away from each other for days (be it because of work, school, etc.). I guess he gets insecure again.

I will definitely put some boundaries for him, and us, and let him work through them if he feels like it. Fingers crossed, he will start working on his issues. But if it doesn't change or improve at all, or if he behaves the same way again, I will definitely have to walk away, for better or worse. :(

 

[sun seeker]

In all honesty, the reason why I don't feel like I'm in an abusive relationship is because I know it hurts him to cause me any kind of pain.

Sorry, but that doesn't mean he's not abusive. There are likely millions of women who could tell you about partners who cry and apologize profusely and say they didn't really mean it after beating them. I'm sitting here writing this remembering my ex clobbering me and then wanting to get close and tell me he "didn't want to treat me this way." It feels like yesterday. The thing is, not wanting to treat someone badly is different from not being able to control how you treat them. There are some people where it is more obvious, more black and white, like a psychopath who hurts people for fun. That is probably what you are thinking of as an abusive relationship, but those are not in the majority. Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a bad person, but he does sound like someone with serious problems controlling himself. The thing is, if he truly can't control himself, he shouldn't be in a relationship until he learns how.

It's more of his brain seeing a red flag and going "abort! same thing is gonna happen! run away!" so he tries to push me away. It's even predictable, really. And I've noticed that when gets upset, it's easier to be 'cold' for him via text, rather than personally because once he sees me, he breaks down and apologizes. What does that mean?

It means that he is trying unsuccessfully to manage his triggers. He knows certain situations make him feel so insecure that he won't be able to control himself, so he tries to avoid them. He apologizes because part of him does realize his reactions are wrong. The problem is, he hasn't healed enough to let the part of him that knows that take the upper hand. You can't do that for him. If he can get to the point where he can tell you he is being triggered without blaming you for it, it will be a step in the right direction.

I will definitely put some boundaries for him, and us, and let him work through them if he feels like it.

That is very good news. Best of luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I agree with much of what has already been said, but I'll add this (even though its been said before)....

Almost NO abusive person is abusive 100% of the time. The abusive person is able to get close to you with all of the nice, fun stuff and then at a later time the abuse starts. Its often subtle and increases over time. Then, the abusive person will be abusive, only to be nice later (in order to get you to stick around). Its what's known as the abuse cycle.

If he's not willing to get into individual therapy to treat his PTSD, then leave NOW. The thing with PTSD is that it doesn't really get better over time. Its one of those things that actively needs to be worked on, sometimes for life.

I'm quite concerned that you're isolating yourself in order to make him happy. I urge you to NOT tiptoe around his triggers. Its one thing to make reasonable accommodations for a sufferer, its another to start sacrificing parts of your life. A reasonable accommodation is more along the lines of, for example, not being loud or doing things to scare your sufferer if they are affected by such actions. An unreasonable accommodation is isolating their partner from their friends and family.

I remember a friend of mine who dated a guy who had bipolar disorder. He was violent and physically abusive. My best friend and I saw one of his episodes where he flipped out on her and was abusive but then had a breakdown and was crying in her arms saying how sorry he was. We tried to get her to leave with us that night, but she refused. Fortunately she was able to get out of the relationship though. I don't doubt that he was sorry, but that doesn't negate his abusive behavior.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi @lightvine129. I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties in this relationship. I don't know if this will be helpful, but you might be interested to read this:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i’m-proud-of-myself-today-because….49307/#post-787238

It's a thread that I wrote not long ago about the trust/jealousy issues that I am experiencing since I started a new relationship. I posted it online as an attempt to keep myself accountable. I don't believe that I meet the criteria for PTSD, but my T has commented that I have definitely suffered trauma in my last relationship, so in some ways my situation is similar to your boyfriend's. Anthony gives some very good advice in that thread.

I can relate to many of the behaviours and thought patterns that you've described in your boyfriend. I am trying very hard to overcome my issues. I don't do anything extreme like break up with him when the fear gets too great - although I have been very close to doing so a couple of times. What happens is that, when my "anxiety brain" starts panicking, it has a way of making connections (that probably don't exist) and effectively forming a case against my partner, in order to justify breaking it off and running away. Because it feels safer to do that than stay. The way I've dealt with it is to just sit with my feelings for a day or so, and talk to my close friends/family to get a reality check, before I make a knee-jerk decision. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship, but I am glad that my boyfriend has been so patient with me. Which is saying something because he has PTSD himself, and already has a lot on his plate.

I know that the problem lies largely with me, so one thing I AM doing (or at least, trying to do), is take responsibility for my actions. I do not expect my guy to stop talking to his friends or cut down his contact with them. If he did, I think after reading the advice on this thread, I think I would have to tell him not to make allowances for me in this way, because on reflection, perhaps I have acted in a way that encourages him to do exactly that. Need to work on that.

The thing is, I have realised that ultimately, if I cannot resolve these issues, my guy might end up breaking up with me over this. And even though it will break my heart, I think that's fair enough. He shouldn't have to change who he is to accommodate my fear.

I'm more concerned about your behaviour than his - I agree that it is enabling him. As other posters have emphasised above, the bottom line is, whether you can be in this relationship over the long term without becoming damaged emotionally. I have also been on the other side of this equation in my last relationship. I thought I could deal with my ex's crap, but now I'm only just realising how much it messed with my head - to the point that I may well lose my current beau if I can't sort my sh*t out, and soon.

Best of luck to you. Hope you two can find a way to make it work. Perhaps he just needs time, but he needs to be actively working on his issues, and it sounds like he does not have effective management strategies in place at the moment.