How To Grieve?

[Tinyflame]

I am sorry you had to endure that Prime-no, but I am thankful for you you could get it out, ((((Prime-no).

(PS, I have to learn how to make a paper boat. ;):) )

 

[p-no]

I guess that's it, too. I was always encouraged to never cry, for pain or anything (...).

I wasn't either. And that's something I have been grieving over.

I guess too, I've heard it said 'most tears are selfish'- shed over our own losses, etc.

Of course we shed over our own losses. That is human and totally normal. After all, it's a loss. To me, crying over a loss means that what you have lost was valuable to begin with.

I have not cried enough for others.

I have not cried enough for myself -- in the sense of grieving over what I have had to go through, what might have been. Compassion with oneself, an incredibly difficult task, if you ask me. Crying over being hurt, over my mother never showing interest, over me being a "bad" person, yes. But compassion?

 

[p-no]

(PS, I have to learn how to make a paper boat. ;):) )

Check out "origami instructions" on the web. :) We learn that in kindergarten. :D

 

[Tinyflame]

Heehee, I started in grade 1, that explains it. :laugh: Actually, I remember my mom making them, and I'd sail it down the rain gutter, lol. I should take up origami as a stop-smoking aid, lol. Probably fold a million in a month! :rolleyes:

Seriously though, Prime-no you're right- self compassion- oye.

I like that- that's right about losses, if they weren't losses they wouldn't have been anything to lose. Especially in terms of grief.

Hey- just recalled, too- got advice about a funeral, said that (if I 'melted down' etc, or whatever reaction), "So what?" And that "It just showed what an amazing person (they) were". I don't understand the "so what?", but I try to remember/ think of it that way.

 

[Tinyflame]

I wonder also, if being 'allowed' to grieve not only has to do with self-compassion, but also being afraid to, in that one fears they will fall apart? Or even, for those of us who've heard the, "I'll give you something to cry about", ~threat? :unsure:

 

[p-no]

I should take up origami as a stop-smoking aid, lol. Probably fold a million in a month! :rolleyes:

Not a bad idea, if you ask me! Carry some square paper with you wherever you go, and voilà! :D

Hey- just recalled, too- got advice about a funeral, said that (if I 'melted down' etc, or whatever reaction), "So what?" And that "It just showed what an amazing person (they) were".
I don't understand the "so what?", but I try to remember/ think of it that way.

Maybe by "So what?" they meant: "What's so bad about melting down or whatever reaction?" I mean, really, what is? It's a funeral. It may be difficult time for you, one way or another.

I was dragged to the funeral of the man who sexually abused me as a baby/toddler (and many others before (and probably after)). I was pissed and did not try to hide it much. Of course, people didn't like that. Well, bad luck, I didn't like being brought to his home again and again for him to use me. Just because they didn't (want to?) understand, doesn't mean I was the crazy one!

I often think, when I see people act "crazy": What might he or she have gone through? Although I keep at a save distance, I don't judge anymore. I have learned that there is always a reason; it's just that most times, I won't know it.

I wonder also, if being 'allowed' to grieve not only has to do with self-compassion, but also being afraid to, in that one fears they will fall apart?

Just for matter of understanding correctly: Who is "they"? Do you mean that you would fear they (i.e. your parents who did not encourage you to cry) would fall apart?

The only person I've 'lost' worth greiving for is my inner child, and I think doing the second with a symbol of him would be a bit too much, (...).

When I read this first, something had me come back for re-reading. Took me several re-reads to figure out why. It sounds to me as if your inner child were gone for good. Since you put "lost" in quotation marks I suppose you do mean rather what your inner child has lost, what he had to go through. Is this correct?

 

[Tinyflame]

Prime-no, I agree. If we walked in other's shoes, we might have a true idea of what they were going through. Wow, I have tremendous respect for you that you could even get through that particular funeral- experience. My God, what people put others through, sometimes. :(

I just meant 'they', as in the people or the person grieving. Definitely I would say I fear I will or would fall apart, if the dam breaks, so to speak.

(Just as an aside, and I apologize if this isn't the place to ask this but I can't find a way through the help desk except to create a thread, sorry Muzikluvr, re: grammar, but what is a "hard return (removed)"? Sorry if this isn't the place to ask this, not knowing what it is I just don't want to repeat it. Thanks.)

 

[Muzikluvr]

Hi Junebug,

A hard return is created when you press enter before the end of a line you are typing. Paragraphs are formed better, when you just keep typing and let the computer program wrap your text around for you.

Here is a hard return in the middle of the sentence. When I typed it, to me, it looked like I was
at the end of the text field.

You often put in a hard return at the end of a sentence.
Like the above sentence, and then the next line has no extra space between it and the one above.

And, it's hard to tell if you mean a new paragraph, or not. Paragraphs are usually 3-6 sentences long, rather than 1 sentence each, so instead of adding the extra line space to change this non-conforming structure into paragraphs, I removed the hard return. Also, I assumed that if you had wanted to make them paragraphs then you would have added the extra line space as you have done at other times.

I hope this helps in understanding why I edited your posts. And, it's correct to start a new thread in the help desk to ask questions like this. That's one of the purposes of the help desk.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Muzikluvr, I had no idea. I have been doing it on purpose to make it easier to read, at least, knowing my own difficulties seeing a large block of text, even if it be a continuous paragraph. Thank you! (I thought it possibly meant the symbol "~", but you hadn't edited it out).

 

[bright_morning]

The past few days I've been trying to do productive things, get out and have fun, etc, but today I can just feel that what I need to do is grieve and I will feel better. The problem is my entire life I have kept everything locked up inside, I have a very hard time feeling my feelings, especially my sadness and pain.

Anyone have any tips on how to let myself go there?

I am right there Loner. I too have days where it just comes out, but other days this feeling like a heavy cloud comes over me and I need to find how to move forward in this space as well.

First thing I am doing is to just accept that I don't even know how to grieve and to, in a sense, grieve that as well. I push myself way to hard to do everything perfectly and grief is not quite linear so I am finding it involves much patience with myself. I hope its going well for you.

 

[p-no]

My God, what people put others through, sometimes. :(

That's what I grieve most, I suppose. That all of my trauma was caused by people and I could have been spared. At the same time, it's my life.

I just meant 'they', as in the people or the person grieving. Definitely I would say I fear I will or would fall apart, if the dam breaks, so to speak.

Now I understand. Thanks for clarifying. I think, a big part of grieving is self-compassion, or should be.

I'm only just learning this; it mostly feels good, but totally new.

Have a good day today.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Prime-no, you too. Thank you for all your help and wisdom. I am thinking it helps to go with the flow, perhaps when we're ready or feel safe is when it slips out, in a good way we can manage. (((((Hugs)))).