How To Have Boundaries Around Physical Intimacy?

[lil_fighter]

I find it difficult to identify what is normal and what is not. I am trying to identify boundaries when it comes to physical intimacy. 6 years ago when I experienced an attempted rape but fought the guy off, my PTSD started. I stopped dating for two years and lived a very sheltered life - no social life, just keeping a low profile. After this I was in another situation but instead of fighting back I thought I could pretend it wasn't happening by just going along with it (by not moving at all). That particular situation I can say was forced and violence was involved.

Since these two situations, I have not had that experience but one problem is that when a guy has tried to initiate physical intimacy early on I have not wanted to (or not been able to even know if I wanted to or not - just totally out of touch with my feelings) but have put on a front of being confident and fine with it. I am able to stop things and not go all the way, making polite excuses so I can exercise some form of boundary but I always seem to allow them to do things. I feel like I have a warped sense of what is normal and what is not. I have never wanted anything casual l and have always been clear to the other person that I wanted a relationship but have felt disappointed when the guy has touched me sexually on a date or talked in a certain way. I am now single and having therapy and I am aware that I need to work on this.

How have people who have experienced sexual trauma been able to re-evaluate their own boundaries and recognise what they want and don't want? Is it possible to enjoy physical intimacy? I feel like I never will.

 

[Finchlet2]

This reply is the first time I have ever posted on a forum so I'm really nervous about saying the wrong thing. I was sexually abused from the age of five to fifteen after which I was homeless for eight years during which more similar shit happened due to the lifestyle I was living. I have two beautiful children as a result of attacks. I never let a man get close to me emotionally until I met my hubby just over a year ago but physical intimacy has got harder the longer I've been with him and is currently near impossible. I fancy him f*ck loads and sex with him hasn't been as painfull or hurt as frequently (and his anatomy doesn't help). Six months ago I was able to come regularly so I know it is possilble, in answer to your question, but now I can't bear to get naked in front of him or let him touch me. I do miss it though, kinda why I joined the forum hope this helps.

 

[lil_fighter]

Thank you so much for your post and for sharing your experience. I found comfort in reading about your husband and how you are emotionally close. That inspires me to have faith that I can also open up emotionally to the right person when he comes along. It's also interesting to hear that you have been able to have the physical intimacy too and although it sounds like at the moment you are finding it uncomfortable, the fact that it was only six months ago that you enjoyed that physical intimacy makes me think it is very likely that you can feel that way again. I guess that your husband is caring and makes you feel safe. Perhaps that is the key and having met people who have made you feel very unsafe, your instinct probably told you that with your husband you were safe :)

 

[Finchlet2]

I'm super happy that gives u hope. It took me seven years of bringing my kids up on my own not trusting any adults full stop before I met Ron. During that time I slept around a confusing amount despite it being physically pain full and causing massive flashbacks, I still don't fully understand why I did it to myself. It takes a huge amount of patience and chill to find someone who gets you and to get yourself too but keep trust that it will happen when the times right

 

[katz]

I find it difficult to identify what is normal and what is not. I am trying to identify boundaries...

As sad as it sounds, I have this same difficulty with my husband. I can't get myself to trust him - or anyone. I'm not sure what is "normal". What exactly is intimacy supposed to feel like??

 

[Justmehere]

I struggle with this too. I try to start a conversation before the guy initiates anything - that makes it easier for me to say yes and no once things start. Sometimes I do not know really what I want. I do find it's easier to figure out when I feel emotionally safe - I'll try more things and feel more things more strongly when I feel the freedom to back off at any point.

 

[Friday]

I went very much the opposite route via promiscuity. Which had a super awesome unexpected side effect : Everything sexual is on the table at all times. Not meaning yes is the only answer, but that everything is always up for discussion. Meaning "nope!" is no big deal. From heated glances across a room to mid act... There's quite simply no part of the process that I feel in any way a point of no return. No excuses, no delay, no obligation... if I don't want to? I don't. With no guilt, shame, hesitation, or self consciousness. If I do want to? I do. As long as they do. So it becomes this very dynamic process of connection. Very much a dance of interest. Do I? Do they? Do I? Do they? Very much paying attention to both my own reactions and theirs. There's, quite literally, no pressure. Seduction? Sure. Certainly. But there has to be a fulcrum for that lever to work on. If I pull out that fulcrum, by being uninterested or calling halt? There's nothing for them to work with. Very, very, very much a learned skill.

Am I suggesting you go out and f*ck the regiment? Hell no. But being skilled at anything requires practice, and expect to suck at it, in the beginning. Expect that there will be times when you go past your own boundaries, or react in ways you don't like & aren't comfortable with, or are surprised by something your partner (or would be partner) does and don't respond the way you wish you had later. These are all learning experiences. Ways to learn your own boundaries, and get comfortable inside your own skin, and very direct in your needs and wants. Whether you practice with 1 person a thousand times, or 1,000 people once.

Sex is a lot like throwing a baseball around with someone. There have to be 2 people paying attention, and actively participating, in order for it to work. One person quits playing & the game is over. One person wants you to go long? You're in no way obligated to run back and catch it. Ditto, don't feel like bending over for a ground ball? Eh. It rolls right by. Middle ground? You discuss the different kinds of throws you want to make. Sometimes with words, a lot of the time with body language. It's a constant conversation. That you can always stop. And there's a HUGE difference between an oopsie miscommunication (looked away for a moment, jammed a finger, no not THAT high, too fast/slow, etc.) and someone deliberately throwing at ball at you after you've walked away (dude, I'm not playing anymore, f*ck off), or throwing the ball to hurt you.

^^^
In point of fact? That's part of how I teach my kids to know what they want, and be direct about it... Long before sex is ever in their world view. (And then very definitely practiced more once they start going out with people.) As well as paying attention to what other people want. ANY time there is a question? No is always an okay answer. As is maybe. Or not like that, but like this. And that answer is always fluid/changing. Whether it's you saying it, or someone else. It doesn't matter how much fun you're having, if they aren't, and vice versa. Throwing a ball, pillow fights, sparring, all kinds of fast and slow paced sports & physical activity are ongoing conversations where you HAVE to play to be playing. When either person stops playing? The conversation is over. So if you're having difficulties with boundaries sexually and don't feel quite up to experimenting there? Think of other activities you enjoy that have the same qualities. Sports are an easy one... But there are a lot of other interactive activities you can practice with.