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How To Help and How Not To Help?

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I second everyone's comments, and particularly portabella's about everyone differing. For me, it took learning my reactions when NOT to go anywhere near the subject, or me at all at times. It takes listening to what someone is saying, and respecting it. If she says "No", respect that. It only leaves a person feeling unsafe if they think that they are going to be pushed too far, and then it can mean total avoidance of the issue altogether. I know I have personally dreaded 'that question'. The one where someone says "What happened to you, in detail?". Straight away I freak out. The approach needs to be gentle, not so gentle that it isn't even encouraging her to deal with it, or giving the opportunity to. But definitely don't push hard, so that she is pushed over the edge.

I am also another who is really bad at mornings. I don't want to be touched, sometimes I don't even want to be talked to. On bad mornings, anything can irritate me though this could just be my temperament! But mornings are one to watch, sometimes it's too much to start the day off with thinking about things.

Becvan's description of her 'third eye' issue is one I can relate to also. Sometimes I feel unreal, out of body, my senses muffle, and am unable to think. Push it, and for me, it gets worse and I start feeling physically ill.

It's difficult, and takes learning and you might not get it right every time. But knowing that someone is trying, and not giving up on me has always really helped.
 
Thank you once again to all for the splendid comments. Your sharing is invaluable to my husband and myself.

Marlene said:
If you ask her what’s wrong and she doesn’t answer right away, it doesn’t mean she’s not going to. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of time to get your thoughts together and get them out.

This is very true. My husband and I are lacking in patience I fear. We are still working on this point. I am pleased to know however that Evie is not the only one with this issue. Thank you.

paul said:
i find if i get treated like a normal person that i can function better and feel that im not upsetting them, if they are happy then im happy,my life has been great the last couple of weeks because of this and im really hoping that it continues.

Absolutely paul, a very good point. It is vital to be treated as "normal" I believe. PTSD is very grave, but it doesn't completely encapsulate a person.

mac said:
Kathy... that is a tremendous statement.

Yes mac, I was about in tears when I read it, it was so touching!

Bec, your description of the third eye is very interesting indeed. Thank you. Evie does say she's looking down on things occasionally too, and we never quite understood that. An out of body experience makes perfect sense in this regard. I'm pleased it doesn't distress you. It distresses Evie greatly. She feels out of control. I believe she still wishes to be the person she was before, and that must be difficult to deal with. Truly I admire all of you for continuing on with life as well as you do. I'm not sure I would be as able.

Lisa, questions of any kind are difficult for Evie as well. Serious talking requires a lot of effort. This can be hard for those of us not suffering PTSD to understand, especially in our family where everyone is expected and encouraged to be truthful and blunt. I do thank you for reminding me to be gentle in my questioning.
 
Hmm I would probably find it a lot more distressing than I did if I remember the before part.. I'm not sure if having amnesia is a blessing or a curse half the time. It's definately made my acceptance of having PTSD and all the crap that comes with it a cakewalk.. but speaking to people who seem to know me intimately when I haven't got a clue who they are, the inablity to remember what happened to me before I was 14, pretending to "remember" what the heck people are talking about.. can really irrate me.. LOL

I would say (take this as the outsider opinion on this one.. as my situation is unique with this aspect) I think a lot of the distress part on Evie's side is the lack of acceptance. Somedays I just want to be normal too.. but it's my version of normal since I don't really know anything else! My idea of normal is sleeping on a regular basis and not having panic attacks. Everything else I can handle.. LOL

bec
 
Wanted to second my wife's gratitude for the contributions and advice. Much appreciated all.

Bec, question. Curious about this amnesia. How do you manage to deal with your trauma, if you can't recall it? Or has your trauma occurred since then? Please, do not feel obliged to answer if the question causes discomfort. Not intended as such, just interested is all. Hope you are feeling well.

Jim.
 
I have read the original question and not come out... I have not read a response to the thread even though I should be just at least on an editorial level. But this one made me think. And this is a toughie.

You know the real answer is day to day. Sometimes my panic hits so hard and like tonight I want my family to stay away. They left this afternoon and are stopping by soon, then off they go again until it is past bedtime for kids and they will sleep. Today that is what I need. Most often I need them all withins arms reach. I guess I would be a liar if you do not look at it like my family is at my beck and call... My married into family any way, my natural family are horrible and will not own up and I am a thorn for having this. But other times please go away to my family I have now. Today is unique because I just do not cry but it has come so much I want anyone who could see it away.

My episodes come... It blows both ways there too. The other night my husband held me so tight telling me I am safe and telling me how to get through it. He did an excellent job. Other times I need no one touching me or coming close. He gets confused which way to go. I don't blame him as I get confused too. All I can say is listen and ask. If being held and told you are safe, it is OK, this is normal for what you went through and they don't freak out harder then that is what is needed. If you get a violent reaction space is. It is never the same day to day. It make take a few moments of encouragement to see which way it swings.

For me, and just me and my thing, I have been losing a lot of the holding and being reassured. I assume the thing is when they come at first others find it just as disturbing as we do. But naturally others get used to it. Does not matter how long it has gone on it is like the first time out for us.

I would say read into Evie's responses to being there. Holding talking... Don't go off the first impulse reaction but give it a minute or two.

Need to go as right now my space is being done over kill and hubs wanting to spend the night at his parent's with the kids. I guess he does not get I need him but need space from children seeing me like this.

Sorry Kathy, it changes day to day, no standard rule.
 
I have read the original question and not come out... I have not read a response to the thread even though I should be just at least on an editorial level. But this one made me think. And this is a toughie.

Trust my wife to ask the really tough questions! ;-)

Veiled, just read your response and appreciate it greatly, as I'm sure Kathy will as well. Thank you for sharing of yourself. I wish you a good night. Take care of yourself please.

Jim.
 
My night should I hope be OK. Since I cannot let go of my husband to support he has decided to stay home with kids. MIL is out of town and he is afraid his dad can't handle a teen and toddler. I understand but feel myself shutting down as a result. I am sure I will be better tomorrow. I know where my xanax is so if need be I will take it. I had to make a choice hubs and kids gone or all here. I keep trying to tell myself just a couple hours the kids will go down, I just do not want them to see me break down is all.

Just listen to Evie after a few minutes, you will see what is best and again it is different day to day. Be nice if we knew what tomorrow held for us feeling wise but it is not predictable. That and being a mind reader may help LOL...
 
OK, sorry to go post happy here. But the question you posed to bec. I do not have as severe an amnesia case. But I have almost no recall of the things done to me and have absolutely no memory of the fires. He did prison time for arson I heard. I have no recall of him (this is hard but needed) but no recall of him trying to set me ablaze. Flash backs are there and confirmed. The other things he did and I am not as open about is when things got very "weird" (WTF do you call it when it is a much older brother?) I remember and can hear the door shut, I see the door shutting and then total blank.

He was so involved in my life but it is gone. You heal by trying to come to terms with the emotions that come. I am not certain you need the recall of event as the emotions linger no matter what. The pain is there. You have to learn to work that emotional state, mourn. You may not remember what caused the pain but the emotions are stuck. You have to learn to work through that aspect to move on.
 
K Bec now will answer Bec's question...:rofl:

V is right, you have to work through the emotions (not that I have yet.. I will get there though).

Figure I better give the whole picture here so that it makes sense. I'm missing from 14 down. I was first diagnosed with amnesia from trauma at age 15. It was the first indication that I had PTSD but it wasn't followed up on. Anyways, it was unknown then what trauma caused it. My teen years were rough to say the least, as I lived on the streets and was raped at 13. I lived on the streets until I was 16, when I got a job and found a place to pay rent at. I dug myself out of that hole. I've since had oodles of trauma piled on. However, I have gotten a few memories back dating all the way to age 6. I have about a half a day's worth of memories now. The rape is included in that. I grew up in an exceptionally violent home. I was brought on trips where one parent was sleeping around, I was the alibi for those trips. I watched my parents attempt to kill each other, had a relative try and kill us, etc... Not pretty stuff. What I do remember now has no feelings attached to it. There was also lots of emotional abuse. I have "emotional" flashbacks that can be really nasty. The emotions are overwhelming and hit me like a brick wall out of nowhere. That is where my violent episodes stemmed from. I never understood what they were until last July. I still have them and get them.. but knowing that it's a flashback helps me to not get violent when they crash my party. I have to work through those emotions, and with what little I remember, try to attach feelings to the "third person" mode. It's doubtful I will ever get full memory back. I was forewarned as a teen, that the chances of that are slim. However I should get little glimpes once in awhile and I do.

What I find very difficult is having to hide it. I'm very good at pretending that I know who people are or what they are talking about. My closest freinds, Toni and Nic, know about the amnesia.. I tried to tell my family once and they just ignored it. In fact they got pissed off at me. So I just play along with them and everyone else. It's not worth trying to explain to someone that you have no f'king clue who they are.. cause then you get the "surely your family would have mentioned it." Nothing like being made to feel like a liar. I even have some "memories" memorized so that when people mention stories that I have heard repeatedly I can just play along and make my life simpler. I feel really alone a lot of the time. I'm a stranger in a body that other people think they know. Living with this amnesia that I can't talk about and have little support with has alienated me from others. Other people just don't get waking up one day and looking at this person you've been told is your "dad" and not remembering them or anything else. I guess I should consider myself lucky.. I did remember my name.

Sorry that kinda of turned into a pouring out of the situation. I haven't really talked about it before.. well I haven't talked about it other than to mention that I have it. So thanks for asking.. I think I needed to get that out.. since the whole situation is still painful.

BTW, I'm doing much much better now. And thanks so much for the concern. You'd be suprised how much it can mean to us here.

bec
 
Christ bec I wouldn't want to remember all that shit myself. Not that you have a choice. However. Thank you. Pleased it helped to share it. Must be difficult having to pretend constantly. Never ceases to amaze me, the kind of crap some people go through and yet their families refuse to acknowledge it. Some people don't deserve to have children.

Must say well done for getting yourself off the street at 16! Had a couple of foster children who'd lived on the streets. Getting out of that situation is no easy feat with assistance nevermind on your own. That is tremendous! Hope you are proud of yourself. Delighted you are feeling better as well. Take care of yourself.

Jim.
 
Veiled seems you've been through tremendous amounts of shit as well. And from your brother of all people! Have a little sister myself. Can't imagine doing those things to her. Terrible...

I am not certain you need the recall of event as the emotions linger no matter what. The pain is there. You have to learn to work that emotional state, mourn. You may not remember what caused the pain but the emotions are stuck. You have to learn to work through that aspect to move on.

Makes sense. Thank you. Not great with emotions myself I'm afraid. Do hope you've had a good night past.

Jim.
 
Bec and veiled, thank you for sharing your very personal experiences. I'm honoured, and delighted Evie has you both as friends. As my husband mentioned, you have both been through so much - you are truly survivors! I pray both of you are having a better time of things this morning. And veiled, I am relieved to know Evie is not the only one with unpredictable moods. You are absolutely correct, we need to communicate with her daily. I appreciate that practical bit of advice, thank you.
 
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