How To Help My Boyfriend Understand

[cookinggal]

Hi. I'm sorry this may be long but I am in a great relationship although I sometimes feel like he doesn't understand what I went through.

He says I know what you went through but he doesn't because I never told him everything. I'm not ready to tell everyone everything, I couldn't even tell the cops everything, I felt too ashamed. I felt alone.

How do I possibly tell him everything? Suggestions would be great

 

[nomedic1]

Letter writing sometimes help takes those strong emotions out of play, makes it easier to tell the whole story.

 

[cookinggal]

I know I did what I had to to survive but I still feel ashamed like I know its just not who I am you know?

 

[nomedic1]

You are right you are stronger now, you need that to be accepted, but you also need understanding for your feelings in the past.

 

[cookinggal]

I really love him and I know he loves me I guess I am just scared to tell him because I don't want him to walk away on me.

 

[nomedic1]

But he doesnt know the whole of you, and without knowing the whole of you he caught love you completely. And if he truly loves you he will stay, he will llove the good and the bad parts of your life.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't think you need to tell him 'everything', until you are ready to do so. Try to tell him as much as you can. Sometimes that doesn't even need to be the cold hard facts of what happened, but more the emotions you went through, and how it makes you feel today.

You have nothing to be ashamed about, although I do understand why you would feel that way. Have you ever told anyone? A therapist maybe? Seeing a therapist might help you to deal with your feelings of shame and embarrassment.

It sounds like he loves you, and wants to understand, but that doesn't mean you should feel forced into telling him things you are not comfortable with. Tell him it's hard for you to explain, and ask him to be patient with you, with regards to details.

 

[cookinggal]

I haven't even told my therapist everything. Part of me feels like I'm the crazy one for asking for directions to point me the right way.

 

[maddog]

I agree strongly with Cherryblossom here. It's up to you what, how much and when you share information about your past, and that includes with your partner, your therapist and everyone else. Yes, there is a point at which I believe it is incredibly important and healing to share with safe and supportive people in your life and this allows them to give you the support and understanding that will further aid your healing.

But timing, and feeling safe and ready in the relationship, is critical, and telling too much before you're ready can be a very destabilising experience for you that would not benefit either you or your relationship.

I do totally understand shame - gosh, believe me I do, and it's hard when shame is part of what holds you back. But shame in itself is something to be worked through, with your therapist in particular, and dealing with that shame so that you can manage it is a critical foundation to work on before you begin to share the things for which you are ashamed.

I say all that to say... try not to put pressure on yourself about what you should do. Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean telling the other person everything just on principle - and that goes for everyone. If he truly does love and support you as you say, he will trust your judgment, and respect your healing, and be there to walk all the steps of this journey with you, even the ones that come before being able to talk about the past.

Maddog