How to keep your cool when you are being stonewalled.

[Fadeaway]

I never really realized there was a word for what my husband does until yesterday.

He has arguments with me in his head before the topic is ever approached. I have no idea what is going on in his mind. Tonight I came in after cigarette and said something to him I don't even remember what it was and he snapped at me saying "I already told you not to talk to me." I get caught of guard by stuff like this on a fairly regular basis. Turns out he was already preparing an argument over my "nagging" him about leaving his oxygen machine on when not in use because it is skyrocketing our electric bill, versus the cost of me smoking.

I tried to have a civil conversation with him about it. I tried to come up with a compromise and asked him what he thought, and he said, "Well what do you think about subjunctives and ablatives?" So I ask, you don't have an opinion? and his response is "You don't ask my opinion, you asked me what I think which according to the English language are two very different things. When I tired to redirect the conversation he put on his headphones on and said, "I am ignoring you." This gets me very frustrated and emotional.

I can't keep devolving into an emotion state when he does this. But I feel like if I say "whatever, I'll talk to you later." he wins, because there every attempt at a conversation will end the same way. There is no talking about it later. Just a repeat of before. Letting it goes is hard for me, but is that what I really need to do?

 

[gealach]

My mom does something like this. She'll suddenly start talking or asking me about something, but she literally starts in mid thought... something she's already been thinking about... and I have absolutely no idea what she's talking about (''I like the blue one''), and she gets quite snippy and ignorant when I'm confused (''blue? what?''). I have to remind her that I'm not a mind reader, and she started in mid-thought. I will not tolerate her snapping at me. I don't think she realizes she does this, but it's starting to happen more often.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Well, you know your husband is like this. You know he's not going to change. Definitely not on his own. So you can try to change how you respond to him. People like that will word circle you for days just to mess with you.
Can you walk away? Can you tell him to discuss it now or the discussion is over for good?
Can you laugh and tell him he's so cute when he says he's ignoring you?
Can you go to marriage counseling?
Just some ideas.

 

[Fadeaway]

I know he isn't going to change, and that I need to change myself, I just need to figure out how to stop getting so emotional about it. If I walk away, I feel a lot of shame. The thoughts that come in to my head are, "yup, good girl go to your corner because no one wants you around." The roots are in the fact that I was ignored as a child and raised by people who didn't want me around. It pisses me off, because everyone thinks that because I was an only child I must have gotten so much attention, but my human contact as a child was very minimal.

 

[scout86]

There was something you said back in the beginning that caught my attention. You mentioned him 'winning'. Are you sure he's looking at this as a situation where one of you wins and the other has lose too? That seems like a huge problem.

One of the best horse trainers I've ever met used to say he never wanted to set up a situation where there was a winner and a loser. He didn't want to make his horse a 'loser'.

I think the same thing is true for people. At least if they're people you care about. And, if you and your husband don't care about each other (maybe you don't) it a HUGE problem. Isn't it?

I guess what I'm suggesting is to look for a way for this not to be a zero sum game, when one of you has to 'lose' so the other can 'win'. That's not always easy. Sometimes it's not even possible, but it's all I can imagine would work.

 

[Buttercup]

Stonewalling is considered one of the biggest killers of a marriage and of a relationship. (See Gottman if you haven't already)

That being said, I have the same problem. It's hard not to get emotional when being stonewalled. I'm fact, most people do and it's one if the reasons it's so damaging to a relationship.

Another very damaging thing to relationships is to instantly react to situations without thinking it through first and calming down. Another problem I have.

So, all I can say is it's more than ok to wall away and to process and relax and think. Anytime I do that, I calm down within 30 minutes and don't feel so anxious. In this way, you both win!!

And maybe try not to look at it like some competition where one if you is the winner and one is the loser. Try and look at what you can do to make the relationship better. Or at least your own sanity!!