General How To Know It Is Their Ptsd Or Just Using It As An Excuse

[Anna1954]

I was wondering how does care giver differentiate whether PTSD has kicked in or if it is just bad behavior?

It seems like a fine line between blaming it all to PTSD or whether the person is just being a jerk.

I would like a good explanation from an expert on this question.

 

[sisu]

What is he doing that makes you question whether it is his PTSD or he is a jerk? More information would help answer this question, however there is probably nothing definitive and concrete to say either way. You just have to follow your gut. But no one needs to be abused in any relationship.

 

[Eleanor]

It is a case by case thing. In my case my H dissociates - so it is like he is "possessed" and in a different mindset. It is a bit hard to explain. You could read through some of my old posts to get a sense. I actually have a list of "tip offs" about how to tell he has gone "into and episode" and is not just tired and grumpy. For him, there are key phrases that tip me off "I will not be disrespected" "I'm always wrong." that sort of thing. Also he acts differently, his manners go on holiday, no please or thank you. He cannot take in new information. I can tell from his general demeanor - his face and general stance - that he is probably "gone."

But this may or may not be helpful since not everyone with PTSD dissociates.

We tend to center our understanding around the dissociative episodes, so the other stuff is in the category of "lead up". So for instance, we recognize that crowding will trigger anxiety and irritable behavior. People being harsh with children, or animals will do the same thing. Honestly, the list goes on.

The response at the moment is much the same whether it is PTSD or being a jerk; set good boundaries, do your best to figure out how to de-escalate. And then, talk about it later when they are calm. If they won't talk or take action to correct the behavior - it doesn't matter whether it is PTSD or not IMHO - its not workable and the relationship has crossed the line into abuse.

I'm no expert. But that's my take, for what its worth.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Honestly, I don't think it make a big difference to to the outcomes. The sufferer has to take responsibility for their behaviour, what ever prompted it.

I spent a few years at the begining pandering to him, partly down to his physical dependancy, partly down to my ignorance of PTSD, but in the end he had to understand that whatever the reason I was not a doormat.

 

[ProudWife99]

I'd say that is where trust comes in. Sometimes I seriously wondered, but at the end of the day I stayed with my husband through the thick of it because I KNEW he wasn't a jerk. I knew he wasn't taking advantage of an already crappy situation on purpose. I trusted he was a good man, that he had issues, and that he was working through them. He went to his therapy every week and as long as he did that, I trusted him.

I know it is so different for others, but for me, if I wouldn't have been able to trust that he was a good, kind hearted, compassionate man...I wouldn't have been able to live with the monster he could become.

 

[Srain]

I agree with Pale Warrior, no matter what the Diagnosis, personal responsibility still comes into play.

I have been completely Dissociative, Depersonalized, and at times in psychotic state but in the end I take responsibility - not for what brought these things on but should these things cause harm through me to others. It's not a free ride to behave badly, ever.

This means I owe apologies, need to continue to seek help where and when I can, and try to do what I can to get better. At the same time, I'm not responsible if those around choose not to understand or take care of themselves.

This is my take for me.
Rain

 

[sisu]

Thank you Rain for sharing your take - it really helps when those with PTSD pop over here and give their perspective. And I 100% agree with you - that is where educating yourself on PTSD is so very important. (and having that rhino skin at times :D)

ProudWife99 - I always get so much out of your posts. :)

This forum is AWESOME!! I don't know where I would be without it sometimes....this is my special place where everyone does understand. Feeling thankful today.

 

[Pale Warrior]

This means I owe apologies, need to continue to seek help where and when I can, and try to do what I can to get better. At the same time, I'm not responsible if those around choose not to understand or take care of themselves.

Spot on!

And ties in with what PW99 is saying, taking responsibility can be achieved in any number of ways.

I could not live with someone who behaved badly or disrespected me on the basis that it was PTSD. end of.

My response is, fine, I understand you have PTSD, now what are you going to do about it, how can I best support your efforts and how can we work this out so I am not your whiping boy.

 

[ProudWife99]

Sisu - :D Your take on things has saved me many a headache!

Pale- My God you're smart. I hate that you had to learn through painful experience, but I am so freaking glad I can read your posts.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Thank you PW99, like wise!

To risk a comparison: my first husband was an alcoholic. When I realised this and took stock, he was using the booze to justify his awful behaviour (including trying burn down my parents house) towards me and lying about wanting to give up. Lip service.

I left him and a month later came to me swearing that it had shaken him to the core, he was reformed, sober and sorry. I came back and had to walk 2 weeks later. It was lies. I will not be any one's patsy, fool or stoodge.

It is self preservation, I cannot, and will not, be dragged down. In my book failure = failure to try, not failure to succeed.

 

[ProudWife99]

It is self preservation, I cannot, and will not, be dragged down. In my book failure = failure to try, not failure to succeed.

Brilliant. You are absolutely right. H's willingness to KEEP going to T even though it tore him apart and was difficult made all the difference in the world to me and our marriage.

My relationship before my husband now involved me getting smacked around when my ex was drinking. His bad behavior was blamed on the alcohol. Sometimes it is so difficult to see through all of the smoke and realize what they're saying doesn't compute with what they're doing. If you feel bad about breaking my nose while you're drunk...stop drinking! He was not a nice guy. He actually WAS a jerk.

 

[Anna1954]

Thank you to everyone that posted. I am not saying this man is faking anything or being a jerk. I have read alot about PTSD. I was just wondering if it can be differentiated from other behavior

It is just my my mind inquiring about PTSD.

Thank you so much guys love you.