How To Leave An Abusive Relationship Discussion

[sun seeker]

# What were some of the obstacles that you encountered which made it difficult to separate from your partner?

# What kinds of resources or techniques did you use to escape him / her?

# What kinds of resources or techniques do you wish had of been available to you but weren't?

# While you were still living with your partner what kinds of resources or techniques did you use to care for yourself (eg. therapy, talking to a friend, visiting a doctor)?

# After you escaped what kinds of resources or techniques did you use to cope during the healing process? Were these health or unhealthy? What would you have differently?

# Was it worth it in the long term?

1. A well-founded fear that he might take our daughter away if I tried. Also, fear of being alone.
2. I had family ready to take us in. Don't know what I'd have done otherwise.
3. I wished my extended family and friends had been more willing to talk about what happened. It was like once I'd left, for them that whole part of my life was over and I was supposed to get on with whatever came next. Most of them had no idea how to respond to a traumatized person and just ignored the elephant in the livingroom.
Something I know is a deterrent to leaving for lots of people is the worry about how to support the children, and there are resources like subsidized housing that I might have used had I known about them at the time.
4. I tried short-term crisis therapy and started what was supposed to be couples' therapy, but it never got to the point of him attending. The crisis therapy was good for where I was at the time. The couples' therapist was clueless, e.g. telling me to go out and buy myself a present to cheer myself up when I had just told her we had no money to buy groceries.
5. What I used: a women's therapist for me, a play therapist for my daughter, and both were good at the time. The main thing that would have made a difference for me is as above, awareness in family, friends, and the general community of how to treat someone in that situation. A willingness to talk about it instead of sweeping it under the carpet would have been such a relief.
6. Absolutely. I can't imagine where we'd be now if we'd stayed.

 

[sun seeker]

The second problem as I was more worried about my ex than myself.

I've never identified with this when people mention it, but something about you saying that reminds me of how the last thing I did before leaving my husband was to spend most of the small amount of cash I had on hand to leave behind some groceries for him. He was perfectly capable of working and refused to do anything beneath his dignity even if it meant his family going hungry. And yet, here I was worried about him going hungry when I left.

Edited to add: this was several weeks after the time we had no money at all for groceries. I got a part-time job in the meantime, but things were still financially grim.

 

[scout86]

I was worried that mine might kill himself. He was a narcissist. I'm not sure suicide is an option for a narcissist, at least not in that situation. He just knew he could make me feel guilty and responsible and it had worked in the past. (He went on to have a great time telling anyone who would listen and assortment of bizarre stories explaining why I left.)

 

[sun seeker]

He was a narcissist. I'm not sure suicide is an option for a narcissist, at least not in that situation.

Yes, so was mine. I doubt they would act on it though. I hate to say suicide threats are ever manipulation, but in cases like this I'd make an exception. They're superb actors, even make you believe their stories when you've been there all along.

 

[Seagreen]

I wished my extended family and friends had been more willing to talk about what happened. It was like once I'd left, for them that whole part of my life was over and I was supposed to get on with whatever came next. Most of them had no idea how to respond to a traumatized person and just ignored the elephant in the livingroom.

I experienced this too. It felt like once I was free people assumed that everything was now ok, but in reality it was the time when I needed the most support.

 

[Seagreen]

I think some people misunderstood the meaning of this post so I edited it. Same content, just different wording. Hopefully better now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Years ago my husband was a verbally abusive alcoholic. One night he put a shot gun in his mouth and I took the gun away from him and hid it outside while I was calling 911 for help. They took all of the guns out of the house and yes we lost them for good. They also took him to a hospital where the problem could be addressed and he would get help and one of the sheriffs told me to go to a womans shelter.

I always had the kids and me an emergency bag packed in case we had to leave fast. My daughter had pets so no shelter would accept us so we were just driving around. My son opted to stay home.

I went to the bank and withdrew five thousand dollars and we went to a hotel. The next day my husband cancelled my credit cards so I went to another bank and got a new credit card.

I was blessed to have a really good friend who had a guest house we paid rent for. My husband checked himself into rehab and quit drinking and joined AA and we got into a really good marriage counseling group and He really changed his evil ways with me and the kids. I had many happy years with him before he got sick and finally died almost two years ago.

My daughter was in an extremely abusive marriage where she was so brainwashed into believing all the problems in the marriage were hers. Because my husband was so sick all of the time, she hid it from me or I would have gotten her out of there. It took him beating her face when she was sleeping that she called me and came over with the kids.

He had left so they came to my house and they spent the night. Her oldest daughter and I told her to go to the police and she was so scared to.

He had fifty guns in safes and luckily he had left and the cops got there as he pulled home. They arrested him and took all of his precious gun collection. He was convicted and he did six months in jail and and is on three years probation. He filed for the divorce and put my daughter in so much hell in the court proceedings but she got a good lawyer and I payed for the lawyer and she won her freedom form him. In April she will be legally divorced and she can change her last name.

We are in the process of looking for a new place to live because he forged her name on the house payment and refused to sign the house over to her as the court stipulated and the bank would not help her. He is a psychopath I believe, but the two restraining orders she has against her and the other consequences he paid have kept her safe from him. During the divorce proceedings he hired a private detective to follow her around and he found out that my husband died and to scare the crap out of both of us he sent me a mushy sympathy card when he had no way of knowing that. Very scary guy. I am so sad that my daughter did hide this from me.

Her self esteem is up and very good and she is with an ex marine who is a really good and decent man now.

She actually was brainwashed just like I was only I had it better than her. We have made a vow never again to hide anything from each other ever again.

This is my two cents from the peanut gallery for what it is worth.

 

[anonymous]

The things that initially kept me in an abusive relationship changed over time. To begin with it was things like; I didn't think it was that bad, I didn't think he was capable of hurting me, I felt I could manage his behaviour by changing mine. He played pretty heavily on my self esteem from the start. I already had poor self esteem and he only confirmed what I already believed about myself. I thought he was smarter than me so I listened to him. He was also very pushy, he made leaving difficult because he would just keep lobbying different approaches until I agreed to give it another go. He was a convincing liar, he just had no conscience. He was blackmailing me. I worried he wouldn't be able to cope if I left him. He threatened suicide a lot.

Later it was different things that kept me trapped. I was ashamed for having failed so badly at making a life for myself. When we had children I was afraid to leave in case he gained unsupervised access with them. I was afraid he would hurt them. By now I was very aware that he could easily out power me in any way weather mentally or physically. I knew he didn't care about hurting people so long as he didn't get caught. I was afraid that if I asked for help our 2 children would be placed into foster care. I also lost sight of what life could be like without the abuse. I didn't think it was even possible to live differently. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to feel safe.

When I left the hardest things were, living in terror that he would break in and hurt us. I didn't know where he was or what mood he was in anymore. He could show up at anytime and I would be powerless to protect my children. Then there was the debilitation emotional pain. When we were together I didn't have time to be sad. My whole life revolved around keeping him happy. Suddenly I found myself curled up in bed in the middle of the day with two small children who needed their mother. Making police statements and seeking outside support meant it I had to talk about things which were deeply personal and traumatic. I didn't want anyone to know that I allowed myself to be treated this badly. I didn't want to be judged or labelled by society as I saw it. Another big one was that I didn't want to challenge him. I'd learnt quickly to give him anything he wants and not question it. Leaving him and taking the kids was one hell of a fight I was sure I could never win. Finally there was the upheaval of moving house, starting again with nothing and diving into the unknown.

But I did "win" although that is not how I see it. I see it as a tragic situation, a sad man who will never change or know what it is to connect with another person. For myself I see a strong and smart woman who was lucky enough to escape an impossible situation and rebuild a life for her children. I also carry a lot of pain around with me. I would love to get my eldest child's perspective on this but he is only 10.