Relationship How To Let Go Of Guilt?

[DeedeeRSM]

Hi guys..

Some of you know my story.

I've been apart from my PTSD bf of 3 years for a month now, maybe a bit longer. We have decided that we will stay friends, as I'm the only one that knows of his situation.

What I can't let go of is the guilt.

He doesn't want to be apart. He doesn't want me to date others in the future. Also, he used to be a pretty darn a**hole, having tons of ''female friends'' who I never got to know. Now he says he's isolated and it is because of me. He says he is in contact with no one except for his football buddies and his best friend and he's just at home all day when he doesnt go for a work out or to play football.

He says his isolation is partly my fault for the following:

Whenever I wanted to do something with him during our relationship he used to get either angry, sigh and let me know he's not up for it, say yes and then don't go with me or, if I've asked a 1000 times, just go with me complaining but then end up enjoying it. This also counts for groceries, just anything. The only times we would go out is when he would feel like it and come up with the idea.

On the other hand when his friends ask him to do something, even his friends mothers, he immidiately says yes. His father asks him something he says yes immidiately. It was as if his saying no was only towards me, his tiredness was directed towards me. So I addressed him to this eventually. It came to a point where I'd get angry when he told me ''this and that friend asked me to go here and there and we're going this and that day''. Not because I don't want him to enjoy fun activities with others, but for the fact that he always makes such a big fuss out things when I ask him to go somewhere....

He says it's because he has to arrange things when we go together, I don't buy that since I have repeatedly shown and told him that it's no problem at all for me to be the one arranging things. I gladly do it.

Anyway, he says he ended up going nowhere out of guilt towards me. And that he is now isolated because of me. I don't know how to deal with this. Any ideas?

He has painted this image now for me that he's this isolated person talking to no one and sitting at home all day and it is because of me, though I dont really believe him, the guilt of that is breaking me.

 

[arfie]

During the worst of my own PTSD denial, guilt-peddling was a diversionary tactic. "It is not me. It is you, her, him, them. I would be fine I.F. you, he, she, they would JUST do fill-in-the-blank."

I began to heal when I started to take personal responsibility for my own actions and reactions.

Perhaps if you treat his blame game as a diversionary tactic? Just let that guilt ball fall to the ground and leave it there, untouched. Trust that he will work it out when he is ready.

FWIW: I was so bad on the "if" part of that scenario that I turned "if" into an acronym for "Idiot Factor" and set the goal to "Get the if out of it." Worked for me. I think. It at least puts a ripple in my thought loops.

 

[scout86]

I grew up dealing with "guilt trips" and, without realizing it, took a "vow" about not doing that to anyone else. So, arfie. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that insight! It's a perspective I'd never have thought of on my own.

Coming from the other perspective, "isolating" is a choice. Period! It just IS. You make the choice for reasons, obviously, but it's still a choice and the chooser needs to own it as such. I may chose to avoid interacting with people because some other interaction left me feeling like an incompetent idiot, but it's still MY choice. You can't MAKE him do anything.

I'd look at this as a reminder why he's your EX- bf.

 

[bell]

Also, he used to be a pretty darn a**hole, having tons of ''female friends'' who I nver got to know. Now he says he's isolated and it is because of me

Based on these two sentences alone, I call "bullsh*t."

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He's blaming you for something that is HIS choice. He doesn't care about your feelings, rather he hurts and wants to make you hurt, too. He thinks he can manipulate you into coming back. I think the fact that he never initiated activities with you yet had a ton of other female friends reveals a lot about his feelings toward you.

I advise you to go no contact. It's crap that he refuses to tell anyone of his situation and give you the brunt of the symptoms (again, HIS choice). Its abusive to say "I can't have you but neither can anyone else!"

 

[nursenurse]

If one of your regular friends was blaming you for everything, you would eventually cut him/her loose, the relationship would be too emotionally draining. You are being held hostage, and what is worse, you are describing your self as indispensable "I am the only one who knows of his situation", or something like that. Until he grows up and takes responsibility for his feelings you need to isolate yourself from him. The dynamics are neither healthy nor sustainable in the long run.

 

[Snowangel1225]

You need to cut ties immediately. He has manipulated you for 3 years and is now an expert. He knows exactly where your weak points are and he is pulling all of your strings to try and keep you under his control. It is not healthy for you or for him. He is a grown man....he took care of himself until he met you, he can take care of himself now. Do not allow yourself to be used or abused by him in the interest of his recovery. Do not do for him what he can do for himself. Do not cover up for his mistakes or misdeeds. And do not prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. You are a co-dependent. You should seek counselling if you are already not doing so to help you sort through this. At the very least, look into attending an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You will find other co-dependents there that can help you.

 

[DeedeeRSM]

Thank you so much for your replies.

You all are right, I must cut ties completely, but I still don't want to do any more harm than he already has suffered.
I also notice that me losing my cool when talking to him does both him and myself more harm than necessary.

Spoke to him today, and lost my cool. He said he was in a hurry, he's going out. So I laughed and said aahw cmon you never go out. He said, no seriously, I'm going to football and after that I'm going out with some teammates, to this and that club. For a prevalentines party. So I say seriously?? You never wanted to go out at night in those 3 years because it's crowded and you never did anything for valentines either, I was always the one arranging something. He says, yeah, I can't sit and do nothing right, now that we've broken up?

Immidiately I felt like turning into the Hulk. So I got angry, I told him I think he was a liar, he never once went out with me for a dance because it's so crowded everywhere, and now he can go? He ruined my 2 valentines arrangements in the 2 previous years by causing a huge fight, and he never arranged anything himself for it and now he CAN think of Valentines day and go out??

I hung up and then I realized it's none of my business what he does. I called back to say I shouldn't get angry and we should just not be in contact. He says: It's a joke...I'm not going out, how long have you known me for??

Then I hated him even more, this is the 10000th time he pulls a passive aggressive ''joke'' like this on me. Not only he pulls a joke like this, he holds on to tell me its a joke until I get really angry. I have NO CLUE why he does this. He says something that he knows will make me very very angry because it pushes my buttons, and then he says it's a joke.

Anyway, I texted him I cant deal with these passive aggressive jokes/lies and I shouldnt be angry with him if he decided to now do stuff he never could do with me. I took my blame on that. I feel like I created this mess and I want to get out but anyway I try it's like I stop myself from getting out and the reason is guilt. I must get passed this guilt.

 

[Snowangel1225]

I have NO CLUE why he does this. He says something that he knows will make me very very angry because it pushes my buttons, and then he says it's a joke.

Because it is a game with him. It's his way of controlling you...and it works. You reacted to what he said and allowed him to take control of your peace of mind.

 

[Echo]

He truly doesn't deserve such a kind-hearted person, @DeedeeRSM, PTSD or not. He is a controlling bully, from what you say. We sufferers are not all like that by any stretch of the imagination. My guess is that he would have been like that without the disorder anyway. Please seek out the help of a therapist for yourself to help you really get away from him. What a nasty piece of work!